Silence is Pure

"We sit silently and watch the world around us.  This has taken a lifetime to learn.  It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content.  The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence.  It is a waste, for silence is pure.  Silence is holy." ~Nicholas Sparks The Notebook

Silence.  Pure and Holy.  Prior to becoming sick, I would have laughed at the idea that silence was golden.  I was the type who would be so uncomfortable in my own silence; afraid to be alone, afraid to have only myself as company.  The television, the radio, the kids a constant drone that was welcome, like the ever present cicadas humming in the hot summer evenings.  Youth and a lack of self understanding really caused me to hate silence and I would do anything to avoid it.

And then I became sick.  And I lost my father.  My entire world changed in a blink of an eye.

If anything can cause a before and after effect, chronic illness and death of loved ones can.  I often times find myself defining my life before the illness and my and long diagnosis process and after.  It is very interesting how my perspective on many things have changed after.  One of those things is silence.

Before I couldn't stand for it to be quiet, much less silent.
Now...I can barely stand for there to be any noise at all.

I drive without the radio playing, even when I am alone.
I read or sit or think alone in the house without any background noise such as television.
There are many times when any noise, whatsoever, including a regular volume speaking voice is painful.  The interesting part is the noise seems to not only injure my ears and head, but also my heart and soul.  I don't know how to explain it.

I just can't stand noise any more.

But it isn't just the physical noise...it is the noise of the world...the news, the bickering, the drama, the impatient and unkind humans...I just can't stand it any more.

On days when I feel well enough, one solution to escape the worldly noises is walking in nature.  Sure, there are natural sounds such as the breeze, the whooshing of tall grasses rubbing together, the skittering of squirrels and chipmunks in the crunchy leaves and underbrush, the song birds chirping, or a distant dog barking, but somehow those noises seem soft and comforting.  Soothing.  Welcome.  When I am walking along, I don't really like to see other humans, though.  The thought of greeting them and having a conversation is exhausting and overwhelming.  I just would prefer to be alone and soak it all in.

I truly am a different person now compared to then.  And I am happy for it.