Elf In St. Michael's, Maryland

About this image: I chose this image, an older photo taken back in December of 2010 but reedited in my current style, for today it would have been my father's 75th birthday today. My father absolutely loved the ocean, boating (although he liked power boats, not sail boats), and lighthouses. So, this is in honor of my dad. He is in heaven, but that will not stop us from celebrating his life and memory tonight with a big ice cream party. My father loved ice cream. He was not much of a sweets man...didn't care for candy and lots of cake, but man he loved his ice cream. He loved it so much he actually died with his ice cream spoon and bowl right next to him. He had just finished his bowl of vanilla ice cream when he passed away suddenly in 2014. At least he was a happy man when he left this earth.

I'd like to say thank you for all the well wishes and prayers yesterday. The procedure didn't quite go as easily as expected, but with me they rarely do. It turned out that the bone graft grew a little too thick in order for correct placement of the implants. So, before anything could be done, they had to cut open my gums again and shave the bone down to an acceptable height. Then, the implant base was drilled into the jaw bone, and stabilized with some sutures. I am not in an unreasonable amount of pain for what the procedure entailed and I am thankful for that. I am on bedrest until tomorrow afternoon to minimize bleeding but after that I should be good to go. I return in three weeks for a surgery site check and then hopefully will be released from care three months from then. Thanks again for all the prayers. Even though I was awake for this procedure, the staff  of The Krupp Center in Towson was fabulous and did everything they could to calm my fears, talk me through everything, and make me comfortable. Dr. Krupp is a fabulous and able doctor and I am thankful to be in his care.

My extended family is in need of prayers today, again, however. My husband, Brian's, uncle passed away last night after a long battle with colon cancer. Please keep his family in your hearts as they say goodbye to a loved brother, uncle, father, and friend. Thank you.

Have a great Thursday...the weekend is in sight!

xo

Was That You Passing Me By?- Baltimore Digital Artist

About this image- Back in 2010 I was attempting to do Project 365 where I would take, edit, and post a picture every day for an entire year. I believe I made it through August and then just completely failed, lol. One of the first images I did for this was to take three separate self portraits and then compile them into one image with three different images of me facing in different directions. The exercise was meant to push my boundaries with learning to work with layers in Photoshop.  While going back through the images, one in particular grabbed my attention and I completely altered it to create this digital self portrait. It was inspired, as the title might give away, by reading Never Broken by Jewel.

Today, since the image is of me, I thought I would give a health update for those who follow along with my CLD (Chronic Lyme Disease) journey. If you have been reading my blog for awhile you would know that I was reinfected with another tick bite this past summer and was in treatment again. Well, I am happy to say that I am on my last week of antibiotics! I have been through almost 6 months of treatment again (cycling and pulsing different antibiotics) and I can see an end in sight. Of course, I will be continuing to take suppliments to help my immune system along and continue with my health-conscious eating habits and lifestyle to help my mind/body/soul stay as healthy as possible. But, I am thrilled to be off antibiotics again at the end of the week. I have a love/hate relationship with them and I will not be sad to see those pills gone.

In addition, yesterday, I went to the oral surgeon for a checkup on the jaw infection surgery I had back in September. I am ecstatic to report the bone graft took beautifully and the extraction sites where all the infection was is healing perfectly. The surgeon even said my gums look "amazing." I have the green light to go ahead with the next step of the process which is to have implants placed in the jaw bone so I eventually can have teeth again on that side of my mouth. This procedure will take place in mid-February and then three months after that I will hopefully be able to have teeth placed in the implant bases!

I have some pretty cool news coming to the blog tomorrow, so be sure to check it out! Have a wonderful Thursday and since it doesn't seem like the sun wants to come out on its own, be sure to make some of your own sunshine today.

xo

There Are Joys That Long To Be Ours

Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach of Nine Acres Designs, LLC

There are joys that long to be ours. 

God sends ten thousands truths, 

which come about us like birds seeking inlet;

but we are shut up to them, 

and so they bring us nothing,

but sit and sing awhile upon the roof,

and then fly away.

-Henry Ward Beecher

God is good. This week I went back to one of my doctor's and had a repeat VCS test. The VCS test is a neurological test (although it seems like a vision test) that identifies the potential of biotoxins in the body (produced by mold, Lyme, and co-infections). For the first time, two rows of the test came back normal! Different rows on the test help determine different things and the two rows that improved to normal were indicative that the current treatment I am on for my re-exposure this summer is working! I also increased my score (although still not normal) in two other rows as well. The area I still need the most work, according to this test, is my vascular system. I am still not getting all the blood and oxygen I need to the brain or other parts of my body such as my hands and feet (which I believe why my hands and feet are constantly freezing!) But, this is the first time I have EVER done this well on this test--the doctor and I are thrilled! My husband was with me in the exam room and we all high fived and whooped and hollered that I did so well. It is such a relief after all this time fighting Lyme, co-infections, and then mold that I am getting some positive progress.

In addition to that, there is guarded good news for my cousins' kids who were in a terrible car accident about 10 days ago. My cousin's son has been opening his eyes briefly now for two days. He is still very critical, as is his sister who is still unconscious, but it was a bright light in a long and difficult journey this far. Thank you to everyone for your prayers. They do work. God hears you and He is working miracles!

A bit about this digital art piece...I was sitting at a stop light on the way home from the doctor yesterday when I spotted these three birds on the roof of building. I grabbed my phone and took the shot. Then, later, I added textures, the tree, and the sun. Then, I digitally painted it a bit for this final result. Here is the original, nasty, horrible photo that was hastily taken out of my truck window and then I turned it into the above. Hope you enjoyed this rare before/after!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Be safe and be kind to each other.

xo

The Road West

Well, yesterday's visit with the surgeon went really well. He removed the sutures and protective membranes in my mouth with no pain at all. He was pleased with how it is healing and said there is no current sign of infection! I am thrilled to have all that stuff out of my mouth; I am much more comfortable. I am still having difficulty eating because I still can't chew on the entire right side of my mouth, but hopefully as the tissues continue to heal that will become easier as well.

Now I just need to wait 3 months and go back for a bone scan of my jaw. They will be looking to see what the bone density is where they grafted the new bone and evaluate any signs of infection (hopefully there will be none!) After that they can tell me if I am a candidate to have implants to replace the teeth that were damaged from the infection and had to be removed. If all looks good, I can then schedule a second surgery to have the posts drilled into the jaw bone.

Thank you for all the prayers. I was nervous about the procedure yesterday, but it didn't hurt at all and it was very quick. Now for the next three months to go quickly and easily.

I hope you all are enjoying the amazing fall weather we are having. The golds and reds and browns seem to shine with their own light at this time of year and I just love being out in it. I was driving home from the surgeon yesterday and a breeze grabbed some leaves and caused a small blizzard of bright yellow leaves to swirl around my truck and it made me smile. I love this time of year.

Have an awesome Thursday. I plan on it. :)

xo

Solitude on the Pacific- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

This image was created using both iPhone Apps, Photoshop PS6, and Painter Essentials 5.

Having a chronic illness is not easy. Not only does it affect me physically, but it affects me mentally. I am not ashamed to say that I can't battle the emotional implications of my chronic Lyme by myself. I need help. I have an amazing therapist that I see who is incredibly supportive and understanding. She has also had Lyme and has been in my shoes. Although she is supportive, she does not allow me to wallow in sorrow or self-pity, not that I am keen to do that anyway. What I also love about her is she believes wholeheartedly in the mind-body-spirit connection and holistic healing. Recently, she recommended a book, Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PH.D., for me to read for homework.

I've just begun the book and already know it is a game changer for me. Funny how you know pretty early when something is going to change your life, and I knew within the first couple of pages that this was one of those things. I highly recommend this book to anyone who believes that our mind/spirit is intimately connected to our health. Myss puts forth the concept (although not a new concept to ancient healing practices) that our biography IS our biology...that our experiences, thoughts, and memories can literally change our DNA to either make us sick, keep us sick, or help us heal. Game changer.

I've always known that mind/spirit can affect your health. It only makes sense, but this is the first time I have considered that our thoughts and experiences actually alter our DNA. I am looking forward to finishing this book and applying the practices to my daily life. I know all the things I need to completely heal from this chronic illness are here...natural medicine, herbs, food, and good mental hygiene-letting go of the past, and moving forward.

If you feel like you are stuck, if you feel like you are always drained of energy, if you feel like you are wallowing in past experiences without being able to move forward, if you feel like you are angry, stressed, and regretful on a daily basis, you must read this book to see for yourself what implications these behaviors have on your health.

Regaining my health is a top priority because all that matters to me is my ability to raise my kids the best I can (my twins have been through a lot in life already and don't need a sick mother), be a good wife, and help others by bringing awareness and a voice to Lyme disease. Nothing else matters. What are you living for?

Read it and let me know what you think.

xo

September Sunday Morning

As September fell away to make room for October, there was a lot going on here at These Nine Acres. Changes are taking place here at the farm. Leaves are beginning to change color and twirl to the ground in the breeze. The last of our pumpkins are turning orange on the vines. The tomato and pepper plants are beginning to slump and offer their last few pieces of fruit. The barn cat's, the horse's, and the dog's coats are beginning to thicken. Our black walnut trees are heavy with thick green nuts falling to the ground. The squirrels are digging and burying food like crazy. All signs that my favorite season is finally here after an unbearably hot summer.

Changes have been going on with me as well. As I mentioned in my birthday post, I am back in full blown treatment for Lyme and co-infections. The good news is that I seem to be tolerating treatment much better this time around. I am still struggling to feel anywhere close to normal and healthy, but I am not deathly ill like the first time I went through treatment. I am not sure why it is different, but I am not complaining. The last time I ended up in the hospital, so I am fine with it going smoother this time around.

In addition, after my trip to California, I had to have surgery again to battle this jaw infection I have been fighting for over a year. Despite antibiotics and an apicoectomy, the infection never was resolved. No one knows for sure, but I believe Lyme and the co-infections, are partly to blame as it has been researched that these infections will hide out at the base of teeth roots. Then, they can wreak havoc on the bone in your jaw, causing bone loss and teeth loss. So, as a last resort, I had to have surgery to remove two teeth, clean out the infection in my jaw, and replace the missing bone with two bone grafts. So, last Tuesday I had the surgery. It will be a long healing process (I have membranes covering the two bone graft areas along with stitches criss crossing the areas to hold the protective membranes in place. I will have this for three weeks and then the stitches and membranes will be removed. Next, I need to wait to see if the bone grafts take properly. If all goes well, months and months down the line I may be able to replace the teeth I lost with implants, but that remains to be seen. I am still dealing with some pain from surgery and some bleeding. I thought the bleeding was taken care of, but I must have moved around too much this weekend and my heart rate got elevated, causing the surgery sites to begin bleeding again. So...I will be trying to keep still a little longer to allow healing to take place. Rest, rest, rest. To be honest, I am sick of rest. I know everyone wants rest, but me?  I just want to get moving again. And really, with 4 kids, it is very difficult to be still.

So, there is the complete health update as of today. Who knows about tomorrow. I would appreciate prayers that healing would take place in my jaw, that the bone grafts will take properly, and that the surgeon got all the infection out. I am losing weight again due to only being able to eat soft foods and with my already restricted diet, it is tough to find things I can eat. Prayers are for sure welcome.

Thanks to everyone who has reached out and offered help with the kids, offered to bring food, and help with house duties. Brian, my teens, and the twins have all been pitching in to get the heavy lifting/vacuuming/etc. done so I don't have to risk bleeding again.

I hope you all have a wonderful beginning to your autumn. Today is sunny...that is a delicious thing, even if I am just resting.

xo

Track 1 Train 2311- Digital Art By Baltimore Artist

This digital art was inspired by a visit to Manhattan College this summer. My oldest daughter spent a week there at a high school leadership intensive for students interested in the areas of Digital Media and Film. While my my husband and I were waiting to collect her things to bring her home, I took a small walk around the outside of the campus. This is the result.

Mark your calendars for November 19, 2016! I am proud to announce Craig "Jake" Jachens, a local wildlife photographer, and I will be hosting a Havre de Grace Photo Walk and Intro to Composition Workshop from 8:30AM-12:00PM. We will be going over a few basic composition suggestions to better your photography and then leading a walk around the beautiful Havre de Grace area helping and guiding you along the way to get the best shots you can get! The advertising isn't out yet, but mark your calendars now! As more information is available, I will be pass it along.

Hope everyone had a fantastic Labor Day. I am dealing with some relapsing health issues right now, so I am taking it nice and easy trying to baby myself back into feeling well. If you are a praying type, please whisper a few words for my increased health. I would greatly appreciate it.  Love to all...

xo

Industrial Storm Rising- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

Industrial Storm Rising

This art was created from a photo taken while traveling up 95 North on my way to New York City this summer. This image was created to portray my thoughts and feelings about the condition of the environment in our country (adding pesticides to the environment that kill our pollinators, spraying our food with glyphosate, chem trails from airplanes, cloud seeding...the list goes on) and also on a more personal level, how those with chronic illness have to live their lives wondering if today will be a stormy day or a good day. It makes it almost impossible to make plans in stone and requires one to live his/her life by "playing it by ear." I hope you've enjoyed this look into Industrial Storm Rising...and hope you noticed I did NOT add birds to this one. On purpose, of course ;)

Have a wonderful holiday weekend and I will catch you on the other side.

xo

Self Portrait With War Paint- My Silent Battle

Self Portrait with War Paint
digital art

My Silent Battle

I have battled monsters too small to see.
I have wrestled with monsters larger than Goliath.
I have fought quiet voices without a face.
I have brawled with voices louder than my scream.

And yet all you see is my weakness.

I am a warrior, a fighter, a soldier, a hero.

I am a champion, even if no one can see.

My silent battle rages on.



Dedicated to all the warriors out there who fight a good fight every single day...no matter what that fight may be. Make it a great day today.
xo

Beautiful Beyond Description- Being Comfortable in My Chronic Illness Skin

There is thick crust in the corners of my eyes as I wrangle myself out of bed at 3:30AM. I can't sleep. Again. I'm so tired...bone deep exhaustion and yet sleep is terribly elusive. I tiptoe to the bathroom the best I can with aching joints and stiffness beyond my years, not wanting to wake my sleeping husband. After staring at a blinking clock for over an hour, I can't stand it anymore. I have to get up. I want to crawl out of my own skin. After using the bathroom, wrapping myself in a blanket, and rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I go upstairs and turn on a dim light as not to disturb anyone. The soft glow of my computer screen turns my face into a pale glow, ghost like. And I write.

This is life now. This is me. This is the unpredictable yet predictable daily struggle with a chronic illness. This is where I am left after Lyme Disease and co-infections have redefined my life to a before/after. I am me but not me. I am ugly and beautiful. I am exhausted but wide awake. I hate myself and yet I am totally in love with me. I struggle and I persevere. I lose friends but I gain a tribe.

I took one of those silly online quizzes the other day and my results said I was "An Optimist." I smiled when the description revealed itself because it was accurate (for once!)...I am an optimist. I may play ping pong in my brain with thoughts of despair and triumph, but ultimately I am learning to see the silver lining on a daily basis. I am teaching myself to be confident in this new Chronic Lyme Disease skin I wear. Despite the many challenging things I face each day, even with dark circles under my eyes, and my slow moving, creaky body, I am beautiful. Beautiful Beyond Description.

xo

Summer Warmth

Summer Warmth
digital art

As July comes to a close in a few days, I sit thinking about all that has happened in this month. I've began treatment for Bartonella yet again and have had a horrible reoccurrence of health issues including a jaw infection (that I had surgery on last year to correct...it's back), severe shoulder pain (now thinking it is a possible torn labrum from my fall in March), and continued pain in the hand that I fell on in March (need another MRI to see if there is debris still in there even after surgery in May to remove it). I feel like this month has been filled with doctor's appointments, MRI's, x-rays, blood-work...rinse and repeat. It could be worse, so I am thankful for the overall progress I've made since learning how to detox better (since I have a MTHFR mutation) and remediating for the mold in the house (I am also HLA Multi-susceptible 4-3-53). I was thrilled to make it to my first Harford Lyme Advocate meeting at Upper Chesapeake Hospital last week to share my story and hear other stories of people with health issues similar to mine. It is great to know we are not alone. If you are interested in coming to the meetings, we meet the third Thursday of the month at Upper Chesapeake Hospital. You can contact me via the contact button for more information.

Despite my relapse of health issues, we've managed to have lots of fun as a family this month. My oldest daughter had an amazing opportunity to go to NYC to attend a high school leadership conference in the area of digital media, journalism, and film. She stayed at Manhattan College in a dorm for a week while working with some of the most high achieving teens in the country. This experience confirmed even further that she is passionate and determined to make the film industry her career. We are in full swing of looking at colleges and film schools for her to attend next year. She is getting her senior portraits taken today (sniff!) and we just received confirmation that she will attend half-day high school her senior year while taking college courses the other half of her day at the local college. She is taking television production and hiking her first semester, which she is thrilled about. In addition to that opportunity, our family has had local day trips including to spend lots of quality time together including Independence Day fireworks, a combine demolition derby, and several library programs.

The twins and I have been continuing our homeschooling this summer, just recently beginning third grade for them.  This year has FLOWN by in that aspect. They have made amazing progress and we are all excited for this year. While we school year round, in the summer months we do slow down. We've been knocking out health, reading, math, and mythology and will begin our full-day schedule again at the end of August. I was honored to be interviewed by a local children's magazine about our homeschooling experience and I'm looking forward to that article coming out August 1 in Baltimore's Child magazine, which you can pick up at local restaurants, bookstores, newsstands, and other places distributing free local publications.

My oldest son is doing well and working hard this summer. He has decided to take the fall semester off from college, trying to save money, and then return for the winter semester. He has a wonderful girlfriend that fits in nicely with our family and they have been having lots of fun this summer hiking, kayaking, and fishing.

Professionally this month has been great. I had the honor of selling several pieces of art in the gallery and also a few private sales. It is always an honor to hear how my art personally affects someone. I've had the opportunity to interact with two my my buyers personally and hear the stories as to why my art touched them. I've also had one of my images featured in a Flickr group this month, showcasing pieces that connect health with art. I'm looking for more opportunities to have my art published, so this fall I am looking into submitting to other art magazines again.

My other love this month has been my organic garden. I'm gardening in a raised bed with organic fertilizer (I do have a horse after all) and I have never seen plants this big in my life. I am growing Juliet Roma Grape Tomatoes, heirloom Cherokee Purple Tomatoes, and Beefsteak Tomatoes. I am also growing organic cucumbers, green bell peppers, pumpkins, and strawberries. I began harvesting strawberries in June and cucumbers, peppers, and tomatoes this month. I have one pumpkin that is almost ready to harvest and it is HUGE. I plan on making pie with it. There is no way we will be able to eat all of this produce, so I will be giving lots away to family and neighbors.

That's about it! I am looking forward to an upcoming much needed vacation and then I'll be back at it again. I hope all of you are having a wonderful, safe, healthy summer.

xo

Slowly Sinking, Wasting

But lately her face seems

Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us.

"The A Team"

Ed Sheeran

I've been out of blogging and art for a while, as I am sure you have noticed. Everyone is so kind to contact me in the various ways, checking on me. All is fairly well...there was no particular reason for my absence other than I just haven't been feeling it lately. I haven't felt like writing or doing art in the past month or so, so I didn't. I gave myself permission to take a break. I refuse to put pressure on myself for blogging or creating art, it just doesn't work that way, so I decided that I would write when I good and well felt like it. Anyway, here is an update of recent happenings...

I've been exploring self portraits lately and I am really drawn to this one for some reason. I guess because it visually represents how I still feel some days when I am at my worst. Lately though, it seems as if I've been having a few more good days than I was (YAY!) and my blood work reflects that. My inflammation levels have dropped 4,000 points but they still remain 3x what they should be. My most recent cognitive test also indicates slightly reduced inflammation and biotoxin levels, but there still was no improvement in my oxygen levels. So, that is where we are concentrating at the moment...getting more oxygen to my brain. A new supplement was added to aid in this task, so hopefully I will be able to see the difference soon. Air hunger, exhaustion, brain fog, and word seeking seem to be hanging on tight although my pain levels have been reduced somewhat. The symptoms match what my labs and cognitive tests are showing, so at least that means I am still in tune with my body and interpreting its signals correctly.

About a month ago I wiped out in the parking lot of a local school. I was calling over my shoulder to my kiddos when I stepped off the curb and onto a rock that proceeded to roll under my foot, causing me to lose my balance. I was able to catch myself with my knees and palms, saving my face from smashing into the ground, but unfortunately, I sprained my left wrist (the ligaments were hyperextended and stretched) and cut up my palm pretty badly. The parking lot was full of debris...you know the corner of every parking lot that collects all the washed out junk...pebbles, glass, leaves, etc.?  Yep, that was the corner where I fell, so the various debris littering the ground wound up in the soft skin of the palm of my left hand. I cleaned it out with hydrogen peroxide, running water, soap, and doused it in antibacterial cream.  I even did epsom salt soaks. However, a month later, I am still dealing with weakness, pain, and a large lump on the pinky side of my palm. The doctor believes there is still debris inside my palm trapped in when the cuts healed over. So, Friday I will be seeing a hand specialist to see what needs to be done. Not what I was hoping for...more medical issues to deal with, but hopefully this will be as easy as numbing my palm, cutting open the wound, and cleaning out whatever is in there.  We'll see. I am desperately praying that surgery is not needed.

In good news, I was honored this week when I was personally invited to attend an upcoming session of the Harford County Council. On May 3, the Council will be passing a proclamation stating that May is Lyme Disease Awareness Month and I was asked, as one of the many Lyme advocates and patients in the area, to attend. If you recall, I had a solo art show back in October and I donated a percentage of the proceeds to fund education, legislation, and advocacy for Lyme sufferers. So, the organization I donated to personally reached out and asked me to be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world. In another post, I will update everyone on all the recent good work this organization has been able to achieve since my show.  :)

I hope everyone is holding on tight during this spring roller coaster weather. It has been interesting to say the least, with 30 degree temperature changes in 24 hours. May you all be blessed this beautiful time of year and I hope to be back posting soon.  xo

P.S.  I will be working at Arts By the Bay Gallery in Havre de Grace this evening from 3PM-7PM...stop in to see my work and we can chat.  

A Chronic Invalid

A chronic invalid has but one thought about his identity: He doesn't want to be a sick man. 

The rest of the discussion seems frivolous to him- an immense privilege of the healthy.

Still, I'm a novelist, and so I pursue it.

Nancy Horan- Under the Wide and Starry Sky

A digital self portrait created from inspiration by the above quote.

Many of you have been messaging me and asking me how my latest doctor appointment went. To be honest, I haven't really wanted to talk about it, so I have been unusually quiet. It just gets so tiresome constantly talking about being sick and why I am sick and why I am not getting better. But, I also know a lot of you follow my journey because you have your own journey to walk and it makes us all feel less alone if we do talk about it, so here you go...

So, because this latest appointment with a doctor who specializes in biotoxins, was very confusing and overwhelming, I am not sure I can explain it all. Basically, I have told you before that I have a genetic mutation that slows down my body's ability to rid itself of toxins, which then complicates recovery for chronic illness patients. Well, after further, more detailed testing, it turns out that I have what's called a 4-3-53 multi-susceptible genotype that doesn't recognize ANY biotoxins in the body...so it actually isn't that my body rids them slower, it is that my body doesn't rid them at all. In addition, the doctor believes I am still being exposed to biotoxin causing elements such as an active Lyme infection or mold because despite being on a drug that should bind to the toxins in my body and flush my system of them, I am not getting better. So, that must mean I am being re-exposed to the toxin causing elements over and over.

We are in the process of having our house tested for mold and I am hoping to get the results by the end of the week. If that test is negative then chances are, by process of elimination, the biotoxins would probably be coming from an active Lyme infection.

Because I have so many toxins floating around freely in my body, my hypothalamus, a section of our brain that controls just about everything, has taken a terrible hit. (By the way, according to the doctor, these toxins can travel to all parts of the body, wreaking havoc and I have already failed a neurotransmitter test showing that neurons in my brain are not firing correctly.) Not one hormone that the hypothalamus produces to control the body's functions came back at normal levels. Not one. That in and of itself has it's own waterfall of complications, one of which is my body is producing WAY too many TGF-B1 proteins (highest level should be 2,382 and mine were 10,220). This means that my own immune system is exhausting me as it takes a lot of energy for your body to produce this much. Also, it means that with that many immune proteins in my body, I present very similarly to an autoimmune patient because they can attack my good, normal cells as if they are intruders (thus explaining why I was at one time incorrectly diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.) AND, it means that with that many proteins floating around in my bloodstream it can cause "clutter" and slow down and nudge out other important "stuff" that should be in my blood.

And, if that wasn't enough, I have an active and current EBV infection (the virus that causes mononucleosis).

All of these issues have caused me to revert back to a "nurture, rest, and rehabilitate" frame of mind and through discussions with my doctor and my family we decided that I needed to stop Homeschool Co-op and real estate photography for the time being. I am still homeschooling as long as I am able but that is my only major commitment right now.

To get a much more precise and educated description of some of what I am dealing with, you can read this blog post by a much more eloquent writer.

To see the same diagram showing the biotoxin pathway that my doctor used to explain all of this to me, click here. Note that every single three-letter substance (VIP, MSH, AVP, etc.) the diagram shows, not one of mine came back normal levels.

And if you could care less, I don't blame you.

No more talk about illness after today for a while...so...I will see you back here tomorrow with another new digital art piece.

The Worst Part of Holding the Memories

The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. 

It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.

~Lois Lowry

A while ago I gave an update on my Lyme treatment. At that time I mentioned having a huge fear related to Lyme but I didn't elaborate.  Today, I am ready to talk about that anxiety. My angst actually has to do with my children and how they will remember me. I am so afraid that because this illness and the repercussions of this illness have sucked up so many years of my life that, in my children's eyes, I will always be remembered as being sick or in pain. I'm terrified my legacy will be illness. When I say this is a fear of mine, I mean I lose sleep and shed tears worrying about this. It is a bone deep fear that sometimes stops me in my tracks.

There are many physical activities that I can not do yet because of this illness. The pain and exhaustion associated with this disease impairs my ability to do strenuous activity. Sometimes it stops me from doing any activity at all. For a previously very active and athletic person, this absolutely kills me. I am also fiercely independent and a Type A personality. I hate to ask for help. I hate needing help. I hate the word "can't" but I have had to become friends with these ideas. I want my children to remember me hiking high points, rafting rapids, shooting sporting clays, swimming in the lake with them. I do NOT want them to remember me in bed, crying, scared, and angry.

So far 4 years have been swallowed by this illness. Two and a half trying to be correctly diagnosed and the other year and a half in treatment. I thought I would be healed by now and I could return to the life I once had but that is not the case. I thought I could get over this misery quickly (within a year) and be back doing all the things I once did. I figured if that was the case, this was just a bump in the road and the kids would forget about it once I was back to my former self. Unfortunately, it hasn't been a bump in the road. It has been a road in and of itself and I don't know where the exit sign is. I so desperately want my kids to remember a vibrant, happy, glowing, healthy, energetic mother. I have been sick for many of their formative years, so their memories of me are, like in the movie Inside Out, tainted with a touch of blue sadness that I will never be able to erase.

So, there it is in the open and raw. I am scared I will be remembered as sick, weak, and unable. I am hoping there will be a turn in my treatment soon so no more time will be dominated by this illness. As long as there is hope, there is life, so I will keep hoping. I have 4 beautiful kids and a husband to make memories with. I am mentally ready to write the next chapter, but I just need my body to catch up.

xo

This digital artwork is a digital mixed media piece including textures, stamps, and painting techniques layered on a base of an iPhone image. The subject is one of my favorites and has appeared in a previous bestseller for me, Snowy Ridge.

Pick Up Now

This image was taken during a much needed detox bath filled with hot water and epsom salts. This ritual means more to me than absorbing the minerals offered from the salts. It also means release of pent up emotions and stress, a deep sigh into the water, which releases soothing negative ions, with the promise of 45 glorious silent minutes to myself.

I often read when I take a detox bath. I submerge my body in the water but I submerge my mind in a pool of words and let them carry me to another time and place where I become one of the characters, free from the pains of this body of mine.

I am very protective of this time because I know how good it is for my heart, soul, mind, and body. This year I am minimizing in all aspects of my life, including stress. If you've never tried an epsom salt bath, I highly recommend it.

Sending peace and love.

xo

Live!

Some think it is silly, but I don't care. Some think it I have no fashion sense, but what they don't realize is that it has nothing to do with fashion. That black plastic bracelet with bold block letters spelling out L I V E in white is a mantra. It is a mission. It is my daily reminder that no matter how tough things are, I have to get up and LIVE. I wear that bracelet everyday to give myself a gentle mental nudge to get up, go out, love my family, look for beauty, try new things, push fear out the window, and live every day to the fullest.

That hasn't been the easiest thing lately. I have had a major setback in my health, as I've explained recently, but the good news is we have figured out (we think) why I have plateaued, which I have also explained recently. My doctor has worked with and conferenced with others in the medical field and they have come up with a new treatment plan for me that they feel pretty confident about.

The discovery of this genetic problem has caused me to have an epiphany, not unlike when I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and I totally changed the way my family and I eat. Now that I have revamped my eating habits and completely transformed my body and food related health, it is time now to change my living environment. Since this genetic mutation makes it much more difficult for me to rid my body of toxins, I need to eliminate as many toxins in my environment as possible. So, I am ready to start transforming how I clean, cook, bathe, and do laundry in my house. This process will take place slowly over a period of time, because things like this can be expensive to implement at first, and it can be overwhelming if I try to attack it all at once.

The first major two major things I plan on changing (and have begun already) is to only use cleaning products that are 100% natural and organic. To hell with chemicals. Baking soda, vinegar, essential oils, water, etc. are the only ingredients we really need to have a sparkling home. My local natural market sells many options for cleaning and so far I have been thrilled with the results. Good bye Scrubbing Bubbles, hello nature at its best. The second major thing I will change is my laundry detergent and softeners. Do you realize the amount of chemicals, dangerous ones at that, that you we are exposing ourselves to?  It is insane. So, up next is laundry supplies, again, all natural organic choices will be taking over for the nasty chemicals I wear everyday incorporated into my clothing.

Next, I have revamped my personal care products. The biggest issue for me was deoderant. Almost all brands of popular deodorants contain aluminum, which some say have a link to breast cancer and Alzheimer's. The studies vary in their conclusions, but I am not willing to take the risk, especially considering my body has trouble ridding itself of metals. I have already switched over to a natural crystal stick that works by killing odor causing bacteria instead of clogging sweat pores with chemicals. I've already switched to all natural, organic soaps made from coconut oil...much better than the fragrance and chemical filled junk you find in the store. Now I am researching natural shampoo and conditioner alternatives. It is a slow process, but a journey well worth taking.

I truly believe God has provided us with all the materials we need on the Earth to heal our bodies and take care of ourselves. I intend to go back as close to nature as possible. To me, my mantra, LIVE, depends deeply on me making this switch...not only for me but also for the health and well being of my family.

One Way

Along the access road at Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas, Nevada

Lately it seems as if my fight against Lyme and co-infections is going one way...the wrong way. It started about three months ago when all of the sudden my high of feeling the best I felt in years did a brisk turn for the worse. Since then I have been heading downhill, regaining many of the debilitating symptoms that plagued me early in my diagnosis.  No one but my closest friends and family really knew this as I don't usually talk about it publicly. I plaster a happy face on and try the best I can to live as close to a normal life as possible while behind closed doors I cry and struggle to dress myself, wash my own hair, or drive due to the level of pain I deal with on a daily basis.

Then came the trip to Vegas. I knew I wasn't feeling my best, and against my better judgement, I really pushed myself and ended up in the hotel room bed, sick for the last two days I was there. I was completely incapacitated and almost couldn't make the flight back to Baltimore. Not the smartest move ever.

In the two weeks I've been back I've seen my doctor yet again and have again changed up my treatment plan. Our options are getting thin, kind of like the Raven's depth chart (had to throw in a bit of football humor in there) because I have not responded to many of the treatments and I am allergic to many antibiotics. We've almost run the gamut of choices as far as treatment options goes. So, hopefully this combination of herbals, supplements, and medications will be up to the task of making me better. 

Nearing Red Rock Canyon during our tour in these three wheeled scooters

In the meantime, I've had some genetic testing done and the results were depressing. It turns out my treatment is even more complicated because I have a homogeneous (double mutation...one from my father and one from my mother) MTHFR A1298C gene mutation which basically means (from what I understand so far) that my body can only get rid of toxins at an efficiency rate of 7%-10% of a person who has no gene mutations. Toxins include the dead Lyme and co-infection bacteria, heavy metal exposures, pesticide exposure, pollutant exposure, etc. Since I can not efficiently rid of these things from my body, it continues to build up in my system and make me sicker and sicker. It can also increase levels of inflammation in the body, and decrease mineral absorption, both of which is NOT helpful in my recovery. There is more scientific mumbo jumbo to it that is over my head right now, but so far that is what I am understanding.  So....this mutation could very well be another roadblock to my full recovery. If you are fascinated by this, feel free to read more here. The good news is my doctor is aware and on-board with researching what this means to better my treatment. He is smart and caring and knows exactly what I am going through which is more than I can say for every doctor I had seen for the two and a half years prior to getting diagnosed.

That is not the only gene where I have a double mutation, I found out to my dismay, but I have no idea yet what the implications are for those specific genes. Now I am worried that I passed down the mutations to my children and wonder what the health implications may be for them in the future.

And to kick me while I am down, I received a letter from my insurance company stating that they will no longer cover the ONE prescription drug I take simply because I take it in a much lower dosage than the "normal" dosage and therefore order it from a compounding pharmacy. I only take ONE pharmaceutical medication (the rest I take are herbals or supplements) and they refuse to cover it. Unbelieveable.  Then what good is all of the thousands of dollars my husband pays into our coverage?  They pay for NOTHING related to my Lyme treatment.  Not.  One.  Red.  Hot.  Cent.

So, the bottom line is I have not been around as much as I'd like to.  Exhaustion, pain, and a downright pissy mood has kept me isolated and hiding for much of the past week.

I will take this opportunity to thank everyone who called, texted, emailed, visited, messaged, or wrote on my private Facebook wall checking in on me.  Your concern, your encouragement, and your love are very much appreciated.  And while I couldn't possibly personally respond to so many of you individually, I hope you know that my heart swells with your prayers and love and you are heard and appreciated beyond measure. Some days I can't even summons a voice for fear of breaking down into a hysterical sob so I just don't talk at all (Elizabeth!).  Just know even if I don't call or respond, it is not out of lack of friendship, it is a lack of ability to form a voice through the tears.

I won't promise updates at this point...I just don't know when I will feel myself again, so I will post when I have energy for it.  In the meantime, I am sending my love and well wishes to all of you!  Hoping fall is being kind to you and I hope to be back up and running again soon.  xo

Better Keep Yourself Clean and Bright

Better keep yourself clean and bright; 

you are the window through which you must see the world. 

~George Bernard Shaw

Someone asked me the other day how I can stay so positive when I am in the midst of so much pain and confusion caused by Lyme. The question took me off guard because in general I am a very positive person, but not a very patient one (with myself). I guess the answer is I truly, deep down in my heart and fibers of my soul, believe that whatever you send out into the world you get back. If I am moping around grumpy all the time, how could I expect to have a beautiful day? I'd get on my own nerves, much less all the other people I love and care about. It's not something I have to think about most of the time, I am just happy.

There are dark days, though. Don't let me kid you about that. There are days when I am angry, sad, feel sorry for myself, don't see the light, and want to quit. On days like that I tend to be snappy and curt; short and impatient with everything around me. Those days I feel like I am living in someone else's body, watching myself from afar and I don't recognize myself. When I find myself lost in the dark hole of despair what brings me around is usually two things...sleep and my kids. I find a high correlation between lack of sufficient sleep and a hopeless feeling. So, with a good catch up on sleep, some rest, and looking in my children's faces, I am often rescued from my own darkness. 

Besides, everyone has problems, not just me. My problems are no worse or no better than everyone else's, mine are just different. My friend said the other day that she didn't like complaining about her health to me because I have it so much worse. Truthfully, I don't see it that way. I don't compare my health issues with anyone else's and never think, "Oh, I have it so much worse than you." I don't pity myself nor do I ever wish this disease was someone else's. Everyone single one of us has a burden to carry and this is mine and I am ok with that. I wouldn't want anyone else to carry it...ever.  Which is why I am speaking out about it and trying to educate everyone about the early signs of Lyme, the alternative options of testing, and clearing up misconceptions like the one I ran into last night.  

I was eating dinner with my daughter when a waiter asked me if I had celiac because I could not eat gluten. I replied that I did not have celiac, but that I do have Lyme which causes me to have a strict diet to control inflammation in the body, therefore I can not have dairy, gluten, or alcohol. His reply was to ask if that was the "disease where once you take the tick off your body you get better?"  It is shocking to me that people who live in an epidemic area such as this still don't know anything about the disease. I want to correct that so people don't have to suffer in pain and fear for years like I did. Of course, 14 months ago I had no idea about this disease and I lived here all of my life, so I guess that should be a clue that education is of paramount need. 

On another note, I have been on a creative manic this week and have more digital art to share!  Tons of ideas are flowing...now if I could only add 12 hours to the day.  

Hugs...

Walking Dead

A fun image I took while on vacation in Rodanthe. I thought the people in the street looked like
the Walking Dead...not that I would know because I hate that show!

Yep, that is what I have felt like lately. I know I haven't posted consistently in a while...unfortunately that has to do with many factors, including a relapse of Lyme.  I truly have so much going on that I feel like I am drowning if I don't take each second by itself.

The art show to benefit Lyme education, research, legislation, and support is coming along. I have identified and printed all of my pieces and now am in the process of matting and framing the work. In the meantime, I have been finalizing details with National Capital Lyme Disease Association, which is the group that I am donating a percentage of the proceeds from this show to, and coordinating last minute details with the gallery. So, full swing preparation is at its height!  I hope to see everyone there on Friday, October 2 from 5PM-8PM, open house style. More information coming soon in the form of an ad.

In addition to those preparations, I, of course, have been homeschooling my kids. They are on Day 41 of lessons and it is going really well. I am proud of both of them and how well they are doing. It does, however, take a large chunk of my day where I am totally focused on them, so my days just got shortened for other endeavors.

Construction is going slow but well. The studio/office is now primed and ready for paint. The other construction on my house continues as well...stone is going up on the foundation and porch pillars, the workout room and new mudroom are getting primed...lots going on. There just isn't enough time in the day. Thank God for friends who are willing to help!

With the transition of seasons comes another whole mess...going through fall clothes for the young ones and sorting out what they have and what they have outgrown over the year. I have to do the same with my clothes as I have lost so much weight I am still having to buy new clothes and pass on others.

There is one other HUGE event that getting ready to take place, but unfortunately, due to contracts, I can't tell you what that is about until after the fact. It is amazingly exciting and I am looking forward to it, but it is overwhelming me tremendously as I have to prepare my home for guests in a very short time. More info about that to come as I am allowed to share.

Anyway...just wanted to check in as I have had many people send me messages checking on me. Thank you! I appreciate your concern...I'm ok, just trying to live life the best I can each day :)

Hugs to all!

August 2015 Lyme Update

In Treatment- Self Portrait

August 9 was the one year anniversary of my Lyme being diagnosed. My world changed in that moment, some things for the good and in other ways, my life became horrific, although not as horrific as not knowing what was slowly killing me. I had my every-two-month checkup with my doctor yesterday and I am disappointed with where I am. Unfortunately, since last visit, when I felt at my best in two years, I have nosedived into feeling very much like I did prior to treatment. After analyzing my symptoms and my treatment plan, my doctor believes the reason for my descent is the change in treatment we implemented last time. Two months ago we agreed to switch my anti-microbial herbals so that I could hopefully benefit from pulsing the treatments every two months, but unfortunately, my body did not care for the new herbals and was not reacting well to the change in treatment. So, I have slowly declined into misery, pain, confusion, and dizziness. Many of my original symptoms have reappeared such as joint pain, muscle twitching, yeast overgrowth, brain fog, and fatigue. It has become so bad that I couldn't even drive myself to the doctor yesterday. When I came home, I ate lunch and then slept the rest of the day and all night last night.

The blood work I had done was a mixed bag of good news and bad news. The good news is that it indicated my adrenal glands are functioning much better than they were last year. My doctor has even cut back the medication I take for adrenal support to half of what I was taking. Also, the test that shows how well my immune system is functioning was better than it was 7 months ago, so some improvement has been made.  However, the bad news is the immune system indicator is actually still lower than when I started treatment and not even half of where a "normal healthy" person's should be. That is concerning. So, of course, we will be giving my immune system support while trying to continue to find and kill all the bacteria hiding in my body. I still have a very long road ahead of me and while I am so disappointed and discouraged that I am not where I want to be, I am not giving up. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, eat what I want, drink what I desire, and give the finger to all the meds I take. But I can't. I know I can't. I have 4 kids to take care of so I will continue to power through, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not-so-gracefully (more like a toddler in a candy store screaming and throwing a temper tantrum) and try to make progress.

So, there you have it...the good with the bad, the pretty with the ugly. Interesting how almost everything comes in pairs of opposites like that...yin and yang.

Have a wonderful day and if you are a religious person, I would appreciate any and all prayers for healing and strength as I stare down my second year of treatment. Thank you in advance...love to all.  xo