Sunday, July 20, 2014

Mother Daughter Love

Cape May Point State Park

Get in the Picture, Mothers!

Cape May Lighthouse

Fear is the single most powerful negative force in my life.
I have always had strange, strong fears all my life,
and sometime last year I decided that I was tired of being limited by
my own mind and the fear that lived there.
One of my fears from the past is heights.
There were many things I didn't do and places I didn't go 
because I was afraid of how high it is.
I did go and get some EMDR therapy for PTSD
and in the process of that therapy, I have released many of my fears.

That is not to say that I now LOVE the things that used to scare me.
On the contrary, I still do not like heights.
I feel dizzy and vertigo when I am in a high place
(even the second story of a mall)
and I still feel nervous.
But where that fear used to paralyze me and stop me from doing things,
I now face it head on and do things that I never would have considered doing
prior to this therapy.

When my fearless daughter and I were in Cape May,
she wanted to climb to the top of this 157 foot lighthouse
and while I would rather NOT have gone up there,
I also didn't want to miss out on the experience, views, and most of all
the adventure with my daughter, 
so I said, "Sure, let's go."
( a weak, pitiful, not-at-all-sure voice.)

It was not easy for me, but I didn't let the rising panic
set in and conquer me.
I did need her help and cooperation to make it to the top, though.
I couldn't look up or I would get dizzy...
I couldn't look down or I would get dizzy,
so I had her go in front of me and I just stared straight ahead
at the small of her back and gripped both handrails tightly.
And one step at a time,
199 spiral steps later, 
we reached the top.
She even convinced me to step out into the open air 
(surrounded by a open metal cage)
to get the best views uninhibited by windows.
The sea air rushed to our faces and took my breath away
and I almost didn't go.
But she turned to me, offered me her hand and said,
"You can do it, Mom."
And I did.
Because of her.

It's funny how sometimes as parents we think we are saving our kids
and teaching them about life but more often than not,
I find myself inspired by, learning from, and receiving encouragement from them.
So thankful for this special experience with my daughter.
She may have seen it just as climbing 199 stairs
but I will always see it as the day my daughter led me to places I wouldn't have gone without her.

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