23/365- September Field of Topaz

Meadow of Golden Rod at Longwood Gardens- Mobile Photography by Tracey Grumbach

"The fields stretched like a carpet of jewels, emerald and topaz and garnet. Everywhere she walked the color shouted and sang around her..."
-Elizabeth George Speare; The Witch of Blackbird Pond

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Walking with two of my friends at Longwood Gardens, we needed to decide which path to take where the trail split. They both deferred to me and at first I was tempted to take the trail I knew well. But then something made me say, "Let's take this trail. I've never been on it before and don't know where it goes."

And so we did. And this is what we found. A meadow carpeted in golden rod and other yellow wild flowers. I'm so glad I took a chance on the trail less taken. The extra steps it took to go the long way around was so worth it. The quickest way between two points is a straight line but sometimes it isn't about speed...it is about the view. I think I will be taking the miandering trails in life a little more often now that I know the rewards...

Have a fantastic Friday. I can't believe another week has flown by!

xo

Single White Rose- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

Out of all the flower and still life shots I took the other day using my tabletop soft box, this one is my favorite. I used a single LED light that came with my soft-box setup to create directional lighting and beautiful shadowing on the rose and the bottle. Then, I took a picture using my iPhone 6S Plus (I didn't have enough energy to climb my studio stairs and work with with my Canon 5D Mark III) and edited it in various apps including Brushstroke, Image Blender, Snapseed.  Next, I beamed it over to my iMac using PhotoSync to tweak it in Photoshop CC. I love the shadows and light and also the painterly quality of the texture. I hope you like it too.

Yesterday was a huge turning point for me as a mom getting ready to send my daughter off to college. While we were sitting as a family at dinner, my husband announced that Brenna, my oldest daughter, now has an address for her home away from home. The apartment complex where my daughter will be living has identified the specific apartment she will get and sent us all the information as well as the lease. I know it sounds weird, adding her Winter Park, FL address into her contact in my iPhone made her move feel so close and so official. It was another level of reckoning in my preparation of watching her spread her wings.

In addition, Brenna and I did a big burst of online shopping together to pick out some essentials she will be needing to furnish her apartment! On the top priority list was bedding, lamps (there is no lighting in the apartment except the bathroom), shower curtain, and a cover for the used couch that was given to her by a neighbor. She has collected a lot of free hand-me-down furniture for the kitchen and living room and we are transporting her own bedroom furniture when we move her. Family and friends have given her some other essentials like bath towels, kitchen utensils and towels, silverware, dishes, etc. I think she is pretty close to being prepared to leave. We are just about 6 weeks away! Crazy. It is a lot for this Mamma's heart to contend with but I am so thrilled for her. Fly, baby girl, fly!

Remember when I told you yesterday that I was signing up for a class to learn how to video, market, and run online art classes? Well, while I was on the website to sign up for that, I came across another fantastic class called "Figurescapes." It is a digital art class that combines abstract iPad drawings of the human form with digital elements to create a final figurative piece. Since I am always on the lookout to expand my knowledge and art repertoire, I signed up for that class too! I am so stinking excited. The good news is that both classes are self-paced and I have access to the lessons online for a lifetime...there is no need for me to feel pressured or stressed about finishing at a certain time. It is perfect for me right now...I can do bits and pieces as I feel up to it and not worry about losing my money if I don't feel well enough for a few days.

Last, today I am humbly requesting prayers today, specifically that my white blood cell count may be high enough to perform the blood test that I desperately need. Last week the lab called my doctor to report my white blood count was too critically low to even perform the test, so after a week of immune boosting medicine, I am hoping today my white blood count cooperates. Thank you!

Have an amazing Thursday...Friday is in sight! xo

Chamomile

According to many of the flower meaning websites out there chamomile represents patience and it also attracts wealth. I think that is a worthy flower to keep around! About a week ago I had to make a stop at Wegman's market and I treated myself to a farmer's bouquet. All week I had planned on photographing it until life happened and all the flowers began to die. That is except, of course, this lone chamomile flower and the beautiful greenery that was with it. So, I decided to go with the shoot anyway, preserving the beauty of this delicate, tiny flower.  One of my passions, now that I can't get out very much, is using my tabletop soft box to do portraits of flowers. They are just so much fun to work with.

Now that the kids are going back to school in September, I have been getting more and more excited about all the free time I will have to focus on art. I am planning on taking some art classes as well as teach digital art classes. It is funny how the universe works...I just put out there to my husband the other day that I need to figure out how to video tape myself doing the editing process on my iOS devices and on Photoshop so I can do online classes. Well, what should appear in my inbox from another artist (who does online classes)?  That's right, a class about how to record, teach, and market online art classes. Bingo! So, I am signing up for that class and will be working through it this summer from my home. Then, in the fall, I will be searching local colleges to start some hands-on art classes. I am looking for one in particular for art journaling,  mixed media, or collage. I'd consider taking a beginning painting class too. I am so excited to have 6 hours a day to dedicate to resting or art when the fall comes. After two full years of 24/7 with my little ones, it will be a welcome time to focus on healing myself and expressing myself. I think I will be a better person, wife, and mother, and friend for it.

Speaking of painting classes, I am taking Zach and Natalie to their first canvas art class today. I will post pictures to my FB when they finish the project today. I will enjoy watching them and learning from the instructor as well! They are super excited about it. They have 4 classes this summer with 4 different canvases they will paint. Good times.

Just a side note, I've added a section to the blog menu called The Mighty. On that page is a link to my The Mighty author's page where you can find a link to all of my written articles about Lyme Disease and Chronic Illness. So far I am honored to have three published! Two of them were previously published here on the blog but the third one I wrote specifically for The Mighty, so if you'd like to read my latest article, Why Hugging You Is Not Good For My Health, please click through. If you like it and find the article useful, would you please consider clicking the heart on that page or using the social media icons to share it? Thanks! The more I use my voice to help others understand chronic illness or make others feel they are not alone in walking through this, the better!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow to see my favorite flower portrait I took yesterday...a white rose. 

Have a beautiful Wednesday!

xo

Hope

Kousa Dogwood

There was never a night or a problem 

that could defeat sunrise or hope.

Bernard Williams

Hope is knowing the sun still exists even when the night of the new moon wraps your world in total darkness. Hope is hearing a symphony burst forth out of the discord of individual instruments. Hope is thinking you are totally and utterly alone in the world in your experience and finding someone else who understands. Hope is the sound of a baby's laughter. Hope is going to sleep when the bud is tightly closed and waking to the flower spread open in all its glory. Hope is knowing that nothing is impossible in the hands of God.

I'll be honest. There are many times along this journey where I have lost hope. I have reconciled myself to the fact that for the rest of my life I will live in pain and uncertainty, with limited mobility,  and a burden to the rest of my friends and family. When in the midst of so much unrelenting pain, it is easy to lose hope; to see only the darkness; to forget the sun is behind the clouds. But, despite how low I became, I hung onto the my last shred of faith which resided only in God, that He knew the answers and loved me enough to show me the path to healing in His time.

So, when I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday, hope was difficult to find. I have been in Chronic Lyme Disease and co-infection treatment over and over only to relapse again and again. Over the years I have times where I feel close to normal only to fall into pain and worsening symptoms again. I have walked this walk, done all the things I was told to do and still was sick on an almost daily basis. Having only started treatment (again!) a month ago and knowing that things often get worse before they get better didn't help my mental state. Hope was running thin and I could feel depression set in. I wanted there to be new answers, new things to try, new explanations as to what was happening inside my body. However, I felt like I was rewalking the same path I had walked before surrounded by the same scenery.

My prayers for renewed hope were answered yesterday.  After going into more detail with my LLMD (Lyme Literate Doctor) about my joint pain and the history of stiffening, swelling, and pain in every joint including my knuckles, toes, knees, shoulders, hips, back...you name it I had pain in it either currently or at some previous time; he suggested that my pain may not have everything to do with Lyme but with a problem referred to as leaky gut. Sounds gross, right? Well, actually it is gross. Leaky gut is when your stomach becomes damaged from prolonged illness, prolonged antibiotic treatment, or other factors and small particles of food that haven't been digested get passed through a hyperpermeable stomach lining into your blood stream. Once in your bloodstream, these tiny particles can become lodged in your tissues and the immune system then attacks the particles thinking they are bacteria or a virus, causing inflammation, pain, and stiffness (among other problems). This issue can become so severe that it can render patients with such arthritic pain they end up in a wheelchair. So, to see if this is a factor in my situation, the doctor ordered a blood test that will evaluate how my white blood cells react to over 450 individual foods, additives, colorings, molds, functional foods, medicinal herbs and chemical substances. This will tell me what food sensitivities I may have that could cause inflammation and pain. This renewed my hope for better days because it makes total sense to me. I do notice a correlation between eating certain foods and having a flare of my symptoms. So, this may not be the total answer, but if avoiding trigger foods can help reduce my pain levels in the long run, I am willing to do whatever I can to help return my life back to normal.

So, I'm still clinging to the hope that more answers may be out there for me, despite that voice in my head that keeps repeating, "Just give up." Please pray that this course of action may find some relief for me. I have to wait for my next appointment (a month away) to get the results, so in the meantime I am on a severely restricted diet to see if restricting certain foods (such as the nightshade category) will help with my pain levels.

Thank you, as always, for your continuing prayers, cheers, and support.

xo

Strength and Stability- Mobile Art and Photography by Tracey Grumbach

Strength and Stability

Remember, the storm is a good opportunity

for the pine and the cypress to show 

their strength and stability.

-Ho Chi Minh 

For those who don't follow me on social media, I'd like to share the wonderful news that I will have an article published for the online magazine, The Mighty, based on this post I wrote last week. Because of the wonderful encouragement of many people who approached me and wrote to me this week saying how much the blog post helped them better understand the perspective of someone who has a chronic illness, I decided to submit the blog post to see if it could be helpful to larger audience of readers. I was modestly hopeful the editors of this website would see the value in my point of view and in my writing. After just a few days, I was thrilled to hear they accepted my writing for publishing (although it may be a few weeks before it is actually released) and offered for me to be a contributing writer to the website. I was so honored and excited for this amazing opportunity to use my voice to spread awareness and help others. I will let everyone know when the article is live. Thank you to everyone for your undying support in all my ventures. Whether it is for my art, my writing, my journey through homeschooling, or my fight against Chronic Lyme Disease, so many of you have been there to cheer me on and lift me up when I fall. Thank you.

Today I have a doctor's appointment with my LLMD to check on the progress of my treatment plan, see the results of my liver function tests, and discuss the next steps in this phase of my treatment. I would appreciate any and all prayers for wisdom, guidance, and good news. After so many years of a roller coaster ride, staying positive and maintaining hope for a full recovery is extremely difficult for me. Thank you in advance for your positive thoughts, prayers, and vibrations!

Also, today I will be delivering the two pieces of art that were accepted into the Art Without Boundaries Art Show! It is always fun and exciting to be a part of a juried art show and have my work displayed in new places. I was thrilled to find out that one of my dear friends, artist Kara Main, will be showing along with me in the same exhibit. So proud of her! Click on her name to check out her beautiful, thought provoking work.

Have a beautiful Tuesday- smile at a stranger today and make the world just a bit happier.

***Edited to say- the article HAS BEEN PUBLISHED! That was quick! You can read/see the article here on The Mighty. You can see my author profile here.

xo

Fawn Grove Church of the Nazarene

Fawn Grove Church of the Nazarene- Pylesville, Maryland

You know how it feels when you climb into your favorite pair of warm, soft pajamas after a long, cold day? You know how it feels when you read a perfectly entertaining book curled up under a worn, favorite blanket with your pet snuggled in close to you? You know the feeling when you sit with a long time best friend and laugh together over shared private jokes over a warm cup of your favorite coffee?  After 20 years of not having a church to call home, that is how I feel when I walk into the doors of Fawn Grove Church of the Nazarene. It is so good to finally find a spiritual place to call my own and feel perfectly comfortable, warm, and content.

Thank you, Pastor Johnathon and Michele. We absolutely adore you both.

xo

Individually, We Are One Drop

We Are One Drop- Photo by Brenna Grumbach; Edited by Tracey Grumbach

Individually, we are one drop.

Together, we are an ocean.

-Ryunosuke Satoro

It was a bright, perfectly warm day, about 75 degrees, when we stood together on this California beach. We stood in awe as the Pacific waves crashed terribly, forcibly into the rocky cliffs surrounding the sand. The noise was an unrelenting cycle of pounding surf punctuated with the high pitched squawks of seagulls nearby. It was too loud to talk comfortably, so we stood in silence, observing. Our bare feet sunk slowly into the cold, wet sand, eventually lost beneath the ever transforming earth. We squinted, despite wearing sunglasses, as the sun reflected off of the water like a million diamonds floating in the sea, the color of the water so turquoise that we wondered if it were real. The spray and mist from the salty water permeated the air and clung to our skin and hair in micro-droplets, surrounding us in a moisture filled hug from the sea. Negataive ions of crashing water swirled around us, luring us closer to this undulating, breathing giant. We were there together, but separate, lost in our own thoughts and sensory experiences yet united in this common experience, this common place. 

I will never forget this moment I shared with my daughter and my husband on a trip we took west to explore colleges back in September. As we were driving along the coast, north to Los Angeles, we spontaneously pulled off at a parking area and got out to explore this beach. This moment is engrained in my mind, which is why this altered photo means so much to me. It was a collaboration of her photograph and my editing, used with her permission and blessing. As she is getting ready to leave for college in less than two months, I want to capture, memorialize, and remember these individual memories I've shared with her. Her absence will be felt deeply here when she is gone, but I am so thrilled for her to spread her wings. A bittersweet dichotomy...

Have a blessed day.

xo

Why I Lie When You Ask Me How I Feel

Lonely Road- iPhone Photography by Tracey Grumbach

Honestly, I totally get it. It makes perfect sense as to why people who know me and care about me ask me how I am feeling every time we talk to each other. In a way it is flattering because people just want the best for me and are hoping that I am starting to feel better while I am in treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease. But if I am completely honest, this question is a trigger for me and here is why....

I am going to lie to you even though I don't want to lie. "I'm fine." or "I'm awesome." or some other version of this answer is typically a lie and I am being sarcastic. One day I hope to give this answer and mean it but for now, it is a lie.

You may wonder why I would lie instead of just telling the truth. Well, for one thing I get so tired of talking about the illness that I just don't feel like going through the list of symptoms I may be feeling at that exact moment. So I say I am fine. When I am around other people I want to talk about normal every day things like everyone else. The weather, world events, sports, our kids, heck, even politics would be a better conversation than how I am feeling. I just want to be "normal" and have non-sick normal conversations.

Secondly, talking about all the symptoms over and over just reminds me how crappy I really do feel and honestly, I don't want to be or need to be reminded. Trust me, I know just how horrible I feel and trust me, you really don't want to know and probably, honestly, don't care.

Another reason I may lie is because I can't gauge just how sincere the question is. Most people just say "How are you?" as a conversation starter and don't actually want to know truthfully how you are feeling. In our society "How are you" is a pleasantry, not a real question. Imagine being in a check-out line at the store and the cashier, who is a complete stranger to you, says, "Good morning, how are you today?" Yeah, they don't really want to know how I am. They don't want me to say, "Honestly, I am barely able to walk, I feel like I am going to vomit at any moment, I have a splitting headache, the soles of my feet feel like they are bruised and have 10,000 needles sticking in them, my joints are so stiff I can barely move, I'm exhausted and want to lie down in the middle of this gross floor, I have 20 different muscles cramping and twitching at this exact moment and I am not sure if I will remember where I am when I am driving home. And how are you?" It just wouldn't be socially acceptable. So, I say, "I'm fine, how are you?"

Another scenario when people ask this question is they don't understand Chronic Lyme Disease. They expect because I am dressed and am wearing make-up that I feel fantastic even if I am dying inside. Lyme is an invisible illness that no one can see. I am desperate to feel normal, so on good days I do enjoy getting dressed and putting make up on. But a "good" day may just mean a day I am not bedridden. It doesn't necessarily mean I actually FEEL good. So, if I am dressed with make up on and someone asks me that question and I tell them how sick I really feel it seems like I am crazy, a hypochondriac, or a liar. So, the best course for me is to say I am fine.

Sometimes, people expect that because I am currently in treatment (on antibiotics and other herbals) that I should feel back to normal in a few days like one does when being treated for strep throat or an earache. They think if I actually have a good day and can go to the store shopping that I am cured. No, no, and no. That, unfortunately is not how Chronic Lyme Disease works.  I can have a decent day only to be followed by a day I can't get out of bed for seemingly no rhyme or reason.  Those who have Chronic Lyme Disease are on long doses of antibiotics (months and months) and are not "cured" in 7-10 days like other illnesses antibiotics are used to treat. We have good days and we have bad days. We can be in remission for months (and sometimes years) only to relapse again. So, it gets confusing to people who haven't lived with the disease to understand that sometimes I can go out and have a nice time and the next day (or a few hours later even) I am in bed unable to function. So, saying "I'm fine" is just so much less complicated than explaining all of this every single time someone asks how I am. Really, it is a conversation killer.

Last, I may lie simply because I am a people pleaser. I am much less of a people pleaser than I used to be, but I hate to disappoint people.  So, when you ask me how I am feeling and are expecting (and usually I can tell when people are expecting this answer) to hear, "Better!" or "Great!" because of one of the many reasons I've already listed, I just want to say what you want to hear. It is just simply easier, less stressful, and less complicated to let you think I am good.

In all honesty, I hate when people ask me how I am feeling. It is just awkward and confusing for me. What I would prefer is, "What's going on in your life right now?" or "What's new?" or "How was your weekend?" These questions let me avoid all talk of illness and let me answer with things that are happening in my life despite Chronic Lyme. I can guarantee you would like hearing about my kids, my art, my weekend, or my view on world politics better than hearing me lie to you or list all my Chronic Lyme Disease symptoms to you. That I am sure of.

xo

Cyclone

At the heart of a cyclone tearing the sky is a place of central calm.

~Edwin Markham

It is difficult for people, especially for empaths, to not let the climate of today's world, with so many things going wrong and people acting crazy, suck them into the vacuum of hatred and hopelessness. It is imperative for the sensitive, emotional people to find that central calm in the cyclone and center one's self there. Turn off the media. Turn on music you love. Meditate. Pray. Ground yourself. Come back to your center and reconnect with God's whisper. Go to nature. Be still and quiet. Be the calm inside yourself that the rest of the world needs. It all starts inside each one of us. Be the change.

Peace and love.

xo

Freedom

Any people anywhere being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is the most valuable -a most sacred right-a right, which we hope and believe, is to liberate the world.

-Abraham Lincoln

I won't make any large political statements here, but I will say that I fear for the state of our country and something must be done about our current system of government. I'll leave it right there.

This image was created after a field trip with my high school daughter to Washington D.C. The original photo was taken from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and then I created the final product from there. Layers of textures, added birds (it seems to be my signature addition), and digital paintings on top of the photograph gives it this vintage, painterly look.  I hope you enjoy it.

xo

Trespass

Yes, the house must be inhabited, and we will see by whom; 

for imagination is a licensed trespasser; 

it has no fear of dogs, 

but may climb over walls and peep in at windows with impunity.

George Eliot

Yesterday I wrtote a little update about what has been happening over here and I mentioned that I've been scrounging around on Ancestry.com again, digging up secrets about my family. For some reason I am completely fascinated with the stories of my family's past and when I find crime, intrigue, lost love, lies, and buried secrets, it makes the time and effort of digging worth it. 

So, during my research I came across a plea from a woman looking for her husband's paternal family. Apparently, her husband's father left his mother before he was born and never had any contact with him again. She had limited information about her husband's father, but the name caught my eye as being similar to a great-uncle that I didn't know very well but adored nonetheless. I didn't know him very well because he lived across the country in Oregon and so growing up I only saw him a few times. When I was around him, I remember always being in awe because I truly viewed him as a real-life cowboy. He was tall, wide, an imposing figure physically (to my young girl's mind), who always wore cowboy boots and a wide leather belt with a large belt buckle. Despite his hulking appearance, he was always kind, gentle, and in good spirits with me. In my mind he was a man of myth...a hero in a wild west novel. 

Intrigued with this message from 2008, I started digging through Ancestry.com's records to see what I could find and piece together about this uncle I knew more in my child's imagination than in real life and wow...I was shocked at what I found. Apparently, this great uncle had quite a troubled past starting at an early age. The first clue I found was a 1946 arrest record and mugshot from New Mexico when he was just 16 years old. He had "taken a car without permission," according to the charging document, and plead guilty. The interesting part was he gave a fake birthday, perhaps to conceal the fact that he was only 16 at the time, to make it seem as if he were 18. I imagine he didn't want to be sent home as a minor to his mom and dad so he made it seem as if he were of legal age. What I couldn't get over was what in the world a 16 year old from West Virginia was doing in New Mexico at that age, half way across the country from his family? He was sentenced to a year in the penitentiary, but I have no idea how long he actually served.

After finding this document, I contacted my mother to ask what she remembered about this uncle of hers. She didn't know a lot of details about his life, but did remember there were many myths and stories floating around about his past. I collected some information from her and other family members who knew him and the stories just got crazier and more interesting.  bigamy...many kids left behind...FBI investigations...arrest...hiding from the law... etc. Wow. 

I am still researching to see if I can find any more proof of his scoundrel days and also to see if indeed my great uncle might perhaps be the father of this woman's husband. Many of the details of his story match dates, times, and locations of my great uncle's escapades, so the chance of this being one of his kids left behind might be true. 

Sometimes when I research my ancestry, I swear I am from a long line of criminals, scoundrels, and trouble makers...from BOTH sides of my family. It sure does make for interesting research!

Have a wonderful Wednesday.  

Rock Presbyterian

Transcript of the Historical Sign on location: Rock Presbyterian Church was founded in 1720 in North Milford Hundred, Cecil County, Maryland. First called New Erection on the Branches of Elk River, then Elk River Church, Great Elk, Upper Elk, and since, 1793, Rock. Present church erected in 1761 and remodeled in 1844 and 1900.

I love old buildings and this church in Fair Hill is no different. I love the stone work and the details that caught my eye one day as I was traveling for a real estate shoot. I caught a glimpse of this beauty out of the corner of my eye down a side road. After my shoot and on my way home, I turned off and took a couple of photos.

If you are interested in the history of this gorgeous church, you can find it here. Have a wonderful Friday. I will be out and about today visiting the Elkton and Havre de Grace galleries that show my work. I hope you all have a great weekend and I will see you on the other side.

The Worst Part of Holding the Memories

The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. 

It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.

~Lois Lowry

A while ago I gave an update on my Lyme treatment. At that time I mentioned having a huge fear related to Lyme but I didn't elaborate.  Today, I am ready to talk about that anxiety. My angst actually has to do with my children and how they will remember me. I am so afraid that because this illness and the repercussions of this illness have sucked up so many years of my life that, in my children's eyes, I will always be remembered as being sick or in pain. I'm terrified my legacy will be illness. When I say this is a fear of mine, I mean I lose sleep and shed tears worrying about this. It is a bone deep fear that sometimes stops me in my tracks.

There are many physical activities that I can not do yet because of this illness. The pain and exhaustion associated with this disease impairs my ability to do strenuous activity. Sometimes it stops me from doing any activity at all. For a previously very active and athletic person, this absolutely kills me. I am also fiercely independent and a Type A personality. I hate to ask for help. I hate needing help. I hate the word "can't" but I have had to become friends with these ideas. I want my children to remember me hiking high points, rafting rapids, shooting sporting clays, swimming in the lake with them. I do NOT want them to remember me in bed, crying, scared, and angry.

So far 4 years have been swallowed by this illness. Two and a half trying to be correctly diagnosed and the other year and a half in treatment. I thought I would be healed by now and I could return to the life I once had but that is not the case. I thought I could get over this misery quickly (within a year) and be back doing all the things I once did. I figured if that was the case, this was just a bump in the road and the kids would forget about it once I was back to my former self. Unfortunately, it hasn't been a bump in the road. It has been a road in and of itself and I don't know where the exit sign is. I so desperately want my kids to remember a vibrant, happy, glowing, healthy, energetic mother. I have been sick for many of their formative years, so their memories of me are, like in the movie Inside Out, tainted with a touch of blue sadness that I will never be able to erase.

So, there it is in the open and raw. I am scared I will be remembered as sick, weak, and unable. I am hoping there will be a turn in my treatment soon so no more time will be dominated by this illness. As long as there is hope, there is life, so I will keep hoping. I have 4 beautiful kids and a husband to make memories with. I am mentally ready to write the next chapter, but I just need my body to catch up.

xo

This digital artwork is a digital mixed media piece including textures, stamps, and painting techniques layered on a base of an iPhone image. The subject is one of my favorites and has appeared in a previous bestseller for me, Snowy Ridge.

Pick Up Now

This image was taken during a much needed detox bath filled with hot water and epsom salts. This ritual means more to me than absorbing the minerals offered from the salts. It also means release of pent up emotions and stress, a deep sigh into the water, which releases soothing negative ions, with the promise of 45 glorious silent minutes to myself.

I often read when I take a detox bath. I submerge my body in the water but I submerge my mind in a pool of words and let them carry me to another time and place where I become one of the characters, free from the pains of this body of mine.

I am very protective of this time because I know how good it is for my heart, soul, mind, and body. This year I am minimizing in all aspects of my life, including stress. If you've never tried an epsom salt bath, I highly recommend it.

Sending peace and love.

xo

For the Inactive Windmills

For the inactive windmills, even the winds from the bird wings is a hope.

~Mehmet Murat Ildan

Hope:

1.  to cherish a desire with anticipation

2.  to desire with expectation of obtainment

3.  to expect with confidence

For such a small word, it holds not only the world on its shoulders, but also the slow burning glimmer that lives inside each soul. Four letters spells out such a broad, sweeping concept. 

Even the winds from the bird wings is a hope...

Keep hoping because as long as hope is alive, so are we.

xo

P.S. Here's to hoping we get some snow soon, y'all.  You know I love the white stuff.

Zen

This morning my youngest son, who is 8 but thinks and acts like he is 35,  dropped a full, unopened gallon of milk on the floor. It exploded with quite a dramatic flair as the bottom of the jug split open, causing the liquid inside to gush onto the floor. He stood there with his bottom jaw slack, not moving...frozen and staring at the dam of milk breaking and flooding onto the dry, thirsty wooden planks that make up our kitchen floor.

I remember thinking the "gunk, gunk" sound of the milk being released from the jug onto the floor sounded strangely like a thirsty co-ed gulping swallows from a beer bong at a college frat party. I quickly jumped into action, scooping up the damaged jug and what very little was left in it and placed it into the sink where the remaining contents could safely empty down the drain. As rage was starting to rise in my throat, (I was not yet fully awake and had yet to have my morning coffee) I reminded myself that although he was careless and was in a rush, causing this terrible mess, he was still an 8 year old boy who didn't do this on purpose. My instinct was to scream, yell, and throw the roll of paper towels at him. The acid of unsaid curse words burned my mouth as I sighed, asked him what he could do to fix this situation, and carefully handed him the paper towels.

I then instructed him how to wipe up large amounts of liquid (NOT swishing the paper towel around spreading the milk even further, but let it slowly absorb into the towel), how to properly wipe up the remnants of the sticky mess (including the cabinets which received quite a splash of milk themselves) with a wet paper towel, and then how to mop the floor. It turned into quite a learning experience for us both. Me, a lesson in patience and grace...him, a lesson in slowing his roll, thinking before doing, and how to effectively clean up a royal mess.

I am happy to report there were none of the proverbial "tears over spilled milk" from either of us and we got through this mess building a better bond for me having controlled my temper and my mouth.

As we began school, about a half hour later, I still had a pit in my stomach formed from the heat of anger that was not released (thank goodness) into the air. Shortly after, I came across an article about a breathing technique called the 4-7-8. 4 counts of inhaling, holding it for 7 seconds, and then releasing it, exhaling, for 8 seconds. I did this 5 times, each time concentrating on releasing the knot in my stomach during the exhale and I felt so much better afterward. This technique has been tucked into my repertoire of how to control the flashes of anger, a side-effect from the neurotoxins that live in my brain.

Oddly enough, we are studying fables in reading right now and I am pretty sure we could turn this incident into a fable with a moral. Perhaps, "Think before you speak." or maybe "Think, plan, do instead of do, mess up, clean up."  ;)

Have a very Zen-like Tuesday.

If Your Daily Life Seems Poor

If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; 

blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches...

~Rainer Maria Rilke

I absolutely love the travels my job takes me on. I love to be in my truck, traveling to a new location, taking in all the scenery around me while tracking down my destination like a hound on a rabbit scent. For some reason, I have always been attracted to moody landscapes and dilapidated buildings, even as a young child. I've always held an eerie fascination for them that I've never been able to quite explain. I am always on the lookout for such landscapes...it calls to my soul. 

If only I could stop and interview these places, this land, this building. What have you seen in your lifetime? What blood has been spilled here? What love has sprouted and multiplied here? Spill out your stories to me.

I've been on a landscape kick for a while now and I plan on following this recent calling, especially in this dreary winter landscape which creates in me a moody, emotion filled response. I hope you enjoy this series and will look forward to seeing more in the short future. 

xo

The View from The Walters

I am currently working on a new piece that is more detailed and more work than anything I have done previously...so it will take a while. In the meantime, please enjoy this view out the window of the Walter's Art Museum in Baltimore, Maryland.

Have a wonderful Friday and a safe, happy weekend.  xo

Spiraling

Spiral staircase inside the Walter's Art Museum, Baltimore City, Maryland
Photographed with iPhone 6S plus

I probably shouldn't be giving an update on my Chronic Lyme treatment today because I just am not in a positive frame of mind. I was going to just skip writing this altogether but then I realized that I am entitled to be truthful; not whiny, but truthful.

So, here is the truth. I am not getting any better since the last update. In fact, I may even be worse. I am still in a plateau and that is so excruciatingly frustrating that some days I just want to give up. At the beginning of this journey, I was expecting to be completely better this far along in the process, so the fact that I am far from the end of this marathon is defeating. But, I can't give up. I have a husband, 4 kids, a mom, a brother, and friends that are relying on me and looking to me to be strong and keep going. So, here I am.

In January I began a few new things to try and help my healing along. I began a regimen with an outstanding and highly recommended acupuncturist. I have gone a few times and will continue to go once a week at least through January and then will reevaluate how often I need/should go. I also went for my first visit with a doctor that specializes in bio-toxins. She gave me a neurological assessment to see if the neurons in my brain were firing correctly or if neuro-toxins were interfering. The results were really terrifying for me as I didn't test well at all which means there is something still interfering with my brain function. She is also aware that I have a gene mutation for the MTHFR gene, which causes a sluggish detox in my body but doesn't think that is causing the whole issue. Clearly something either in my body (bacteria, parasites, or viruses) or in my environment (ie: mold) is still causing me issues with neuro-toxins, so she sent me for a whole new slew of blood work that won't be back for a few weeks. Hopefully the blood work will help us identify what specifically is causing the neuro-toxins and I will be able to eliminate them from my body/environment. In the meantime, I am continuing to eat whole organic foods, take my medications and supplements, and rest.

So, I am dealing with pain, word loss, brain fog, exhaustion, and the likes on a daily basis. I am not whining about it. I am just simply stating fact. I still get up every day. I still homeschool the twins every day. I still work every day (either real estate photos or art). I don't let it stop me, but it does slow me down.

I will continue to speak out, be truthful, and try to help more people who are in my shoes. Just this week I had another friend who reached out to me because she had a positive Lyme test. Because she has been following my story, she was suspicious about her symptoms and requested a Lyme test from her doctor. She was one of the "lucky" ones whose test came back positive on the first try. It is always bittersweet to hear someone say I am the reason they were diagnosed because while I am so glad speaking out and being public about this terrible disease helps bring the issue to everyone's attention, I never ever want anyone, even my worst enemy, to have to suffer. And those with Chronic Lyme suffer. Every. Single. Day.

It is my duty to pass on the knowledge I and others have accumulated through our research and our own journey. It is my duty to help others in this situation know they are not alone. It is my duty to keep trudging through to be a role model for others who want to give up.

One day I will blog about my biggest fears regarding this Chronic Lyme journey I am on. But for now, this is enough.

Beauty

This beautiful scene was taken at the Walter's Art Museum in Baltimore. The sculpture in the middleground is L'Amour et l'Amitie´, which translates to Love and Friendship. To read more about this sculpture, feel free to visit Walters Art Museum website.

My new fix lately has been listening to the podcast TED Radio Hour. Since I have 4 kids and a job that requires me to be in my vehicle a lot, I have become hooked on listening to audiobooks or podcasts via my iPhone hooked into my SUV speakers. It sure beats listening to most of the music stations in Baltimore which repeat the same 15 songs over and over and over again. But I digress. TED Radio Hour has so many interesting topics and I love the way they integrate many TED talks spanning years into one radio show united by a particular topic. If you have not had the opportunity to try it out, I highly recommend it.

One recent topic of the TED Radio Hour podcast was Beauty. It was fascinating to hear varying opinions about what beauty is, how we define it, and whether beauty is essential to our survival. These podcasts really open my mind and guide me to view topics from different views. Here is the podcast, Beauty, for your listening pleasure.


After listening to this podcast, which referenced the movie, The Soloist, I went to my local library and borrowed the movie. It was a very powerful movie based on the true events of an LA Times journalist becoming friends with a homeless man who was a Juilliard trained violinist. This movie, as well as the podcast, reinforced and opened my mind about the meaning and importance of beauty in our lives.

I hope this little peek inside the Walter's Art Museum brought a bit of beauty into your life today. Have a wonderful weekend.  xo