Beautiful Beyond Description- Being Comfortable in My Chronic Illness Skin

There is thick crust in the corners of my eyes as I wrangle myself out of bed at 3:30AM. I can't sleep. Again. I'm so tired...bone deep exhaustion and yet sleep is terribly elusive. I tiptoe to the bathroom the best I can with aching joints and stiffness beyond my years, not wanting to wake my sleeping husband. After staring at a blinking clock for over an hour, I can't stand it anymore. I have to get up. I want to crawl out of my own skin. After using the bathroom, wrapping myself in a blanket, and rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I go upstairs and turn on a dim light as not to disturb anyone. The soft glow of my computer screen turns my face into a pale glow, ghost like. And I write.

This is life now. This is me. This is the unpredictable yet predictable daily struggle with a chronic illness. This is where I am left after Lyme Disease and co-infections have redefined my life to a before/after. I am me but not me. I am ugly and beautiful. I am exhausted but wide awake. I hate myself and yet I am totally in love with me. I struggle and I persevere. I lose friends but I gain a tribe.

I took one of those silly online quizzes the other day and my results said I was "An Optimist." I smiled when the description revealed itself because it was accurate (for once!)...I am an optimist. I may play ping pong in my brain with thoughts of despair and triumph, but ultimately I am learning to see the silver lining on a daily basis. I am teaching myself to be confident in this new Chronic Lyme Disease skin I wear. Despite the many challenging things I face each day, even with dark circles under my eyes, and my slow moving, creaky body, I am beautiful. Beautiful Beyond Description.

xo

Once You Get to Know Them

Weeds are flowers too,

once you get to know them.

A. A. Milne

You know the weeds in our lives...those people or events that just seem to cause trouble and won't go away? Well, I believe they are in our lives for a reason. Those thorny people and occurrences are there to teach us a lesson, and if we don't learn our lesson the first time around, those kinds of people and events keep popping into our lives for our own good...so we can learn and move to a higher level of being human. So, actually, with a very small paradigm and attitude shift, we realize that Winnie the Pooh was absolutely right...weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them. They are gifts from a higher being who is trying to teach us something.

This past weekend I had quite the weed sprout up in my life that I unknowingly sowed myself. I made a huge mistake and it involved a lot of tears and a lot of beating myself up on the inside before the grace and kindness of the person I wronged set me free and taught me that I need to forgive myself. 

Many of you may not know that in the past months I have given up real estate photography and have slowed down posting on this blog, slowly stopped doing so much art, and haven't been very visible lately. The truth behind that is I have not been well again and I don't have the health, heart, or energy to pick up my camera, stay up late to practice art, or to run a business. I have cut everything out of my life, pretty much, except homeschooling my children and doing things with my family due to health reasons. Whatever energy I have I want to save for those two most important things. 

So, about 10 days ago I had a request to shoot a sport's team during a game at Ripken Stadium complex. I was so excited because I love sports action photography, so ignoring the latest condition of my health, I said yes. I knew WAY in the back of my mind that it was a long shot that I would be physically able to do this job, but despite hearing the whisper of warning, I ignored it and told this friend/client, yes.  Yes, I would shoot this game.  In my head I had convinced myself that if I rested all week I would be able to do the job. Dates and times were set and I was locked in. 

This weekend, as I was struggling to even walk the distance of my driveway and back, I realized what a horrible mistake I made in booking this job. There was no way I would be able to do this job in a manner that I would be proud of. There was no way I could be out on a sports field carrying a camera and lens that weighs upwards of 15lbs. when I could barely walk my driveway and back. In addition to ongoing Lyme related treatment, I had a recent fall that injured my hand (on which I will have surgery Thursday) and caused a previous painful shoulder to become frozen. What was I thinking?  I thought resting for a week would let me gain all of that back enough to do this shoot? I had lost my mind. 

So, I decided the best thing to do was explain to the client that I had actually lied to myself and him that I would be able to do this job. I had to come clean. I wrote a very painfully embarrassing email to him explaining what I did and what my current medical condition was and asked for forgiveness. I felt terrible for putting him in a bad spot with this team and couldn't forgive myself for being so stupid and short sighted as to believe I could do this. I was sure he wouldn't, shouldn't, and couldn't forgive me because I threw him under the bus. I cried and cried and cried. Not only in anger that I couldn't fulfill my promise, but in humiliation that I had let him down.

Until...until I got his email back. It simply stated:

"...don't feel bad. I completely understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you need anything please don't hesitate to reach out to (us). But don't feel bad, we need you feeling better."

And then I cried all over again in thankfulness of what a wonderful friend he was. Treating someone with chronic illness with such grace, kindness, and understanding means more than you will ever know unless you too suffer from a chronic condition. Once I got his email, I had to make myself forgive myself and stop feeling like a bad person. I made a mistake. I learned my lesson. I won't commit to anything from now on without first being sure I can follow through. No more lying to myself about my condition.

So, this weed that I planted myself turned into a flower right in front of my eyes. I learned two important lessons...don't commit to things you won't be able to fulfill; and most importantly...treat yourself with the kindness, grace, and forgiveness that others show to you.

xo

The Season of Failure

A digital painting of maple seeds, helicopters, if you will,
waiting for the right time to flutter to the ground.

The season of failure is the best time

for sowing the seeds of success.

~Paramahansa Yogananda

It's always difficult to remember this when you are in the depths of struggling. I had a really difficult weekend and was feeling physically and emotionally ragged for a few days. The good news is, I have superpowers and am in total control of my emotional well being. I have the powers of hope, optimism, faithfulness, gratitude, and distraction to keep me in check...to keep from falling too far into the black hole of self pity. I have found that managing expectations has a lot to do with my emotional state.

I'm a go-getter, type A. Always have been and always will be. I don't like that my physical condition limits my ability to accomplish things in the time scale that I set for myself. This weekend I had a list of things I wanted to do with my family to enjoy Mother's Day. I wanted to plant my organic vegetable garden. I wanted to go to a local outdoor market.  I wanted to take a walk at one of my favorite birding spots. I wanted to get the house scrubbed and sparkling for the week; the laundry cleaned, folded, and put away. I wanted to visit my mother-in-law and spend time with extended family. I had my own honey-do list in my head a mile long. And then Lyme happened. What I mean by that is the disease reared its ugly head unexpectedly, as it so often does, and symptoms came crashing to the surface, causing me pain, shortness of breath, lack of energy and patience. All of my plans came to a screeching halt.  The list had to be scrapped. Abandoned. 

And then the self pity sets in...you know how this works...when things don't go your way you do it too.  The "when am I going to get better for good" questions start seeping in, sowing doubt and frustration. Agitation leads to anger and then the feeling of uselessness drowns me. This go-getter Type A person does NOT like to feel useless.  The spiral goes down from there...down, down, down.

What I have realized is I need to start managing my expectations of myself. I need to give my body permission to tell me it needs rest. I need to cut the list apart and distribute it among days, not just hours. 

Easier said than done, though. 

The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success... Just like the maple tree in my back yard, which produces hundreds of thousands of helicopter seeds just hanging on waiting for the right wind, I have to take failures like this weekend, wrap them up and give them wings, allowing them to teach me more about myself...allow them to sow ideas and strategies for future success.

Easier said than done, though. 

But you already knew that. 

xo

Self Portrait 2

Self Portrait 2

Another in my recent self portrait series

How many times have I stood by and watched something from afar that I know I should stop? How many times have I talked myself out of my gut instinct? How many times have I let fear stop me? How many times have I walked by someone struggling and thought, "It's not my problem?" How many times have I not wanted to be nosey so I minded my own business instead of offering help?

Many times.

But not this night.

This night I noticed, I interfered, I had enough, I was nosey, I didn't turn the other cheek, I didn't mind my own business, I stood up for what is right, I pushed through the fear, I didn't talk myself out of it, I didn't turn my head and pretend not to see.

Driving by in Baltimore City, I saw it happen and once I did I couldn't NOT do something. I've been there, where she is, shivering (is it cold or fear or both?) on the corner trying to get away. I've been the negotiator at my own boxing match, trying to get free without harm from someone that was supposed to love me. I've wondered what words will work this time to diffuse the anger that is hurled at me for reasons I can't fathom. I've seen the fear in her eyes from the inside out and remember how the brain and emotions shut off to protect itself...that blank stare. I wonder if she will remember the whole incident or only bits and pieces or only the residual gut ache of fear, desperation, and hopelessness? I wonder if she is already planning how she will respond when he apologizes? She probably is.

I pick up my phone and dial the three numbers...9.1.1.

911. What is your emergency?

I'm at the corner of _____________ and ________________.  There is a male hitting, grabbing, and restraining a female. I need a police officer...

After I hung up the tears came, fast and hot. Why is this such an epidemic in this world? 1 in 4 women will be victims of intimate partner violence in their lifetime. I was that ONE when I was in a long abusive relationship as a teen.

I wish I knew if the police actually showed up. I wish I knew if they made it on time. I wish I knew a way to stop the abuse without putting myself in a deadly situation. I wish I knew this would be the last time she was hit by someone that is supposed to love her. I hope she makes it out. I did. There is hope, but there has to be a rock bottom and a will to move forward. If I could, I would bottle strength, courage, and fortitude and give it to her.  I'd giftwrap it in love and offer it to her like a lifesaver thrown to a drowning victim.  She just has to grab on.

xo

Looking For My Heart's Desire

If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again,

I won't look any further than my own back yard.

Because if it isn't there,

I never really lost it to begin with.

L. Frank Baum

The Wizard of Oz

As I have gotten older and since I became very ill a few years back with Chronic Lyme Disease, I have had quite the love affair with my own back yard. I really and truly am just so content being here, nestled into my own little nest in the world. I love looking out the windows in the morning, upon the foggy mist that often shrouds our pasture, watching our horse graze lazily on the dewy spring grass. I love drinking my tea on weekends, warm mug clutched in between both palms as I gently swing on the porch swing watching the morning frenzy of birds at my feeder. I love looking out at this scraggly dogwood while I stand doing dishes in my quiet kitchen. It glows bright white, as it captures the first morning rays of light and seems to pop off the deeper darker greens spring is famous for. 

I won't lie, I still have wanderlust...a desire to set out into the world to see as many wondrous things as possible before my time here is finished, but I don't need it. I can be content and in love with my own space. And I am.

xo

Amish Winter Sunday

Regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow are twin thieves that rob us of the moment.

~Amish Proverb

Suzanne Woods Fisher

Amish Proverbs: Words of Wisdom from the Simple Life 

Have a beautiful Thursday. xo

The Orchard

Only when the last tree has been cut down,
Only when the last river has been poisoned,
Only when the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
~Cree Indian Prophecy

Because my mood is dark, I will just leave it at this quote today. I think it speaks well enough on its own.

xo

Disrepair

The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. 

You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poor-house. 

The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. 

I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, 

and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace.

~Henry David Thoreau

I absolutely love this quote. It is so true and you must admit we all know at least one person who finds fault with everything. We all do.  Right?

This piece of digital art is based off of a farm near where I live. Since I have been here...going on 12 years, I have only known this farm to be in disrepair and falling down. But soemthing about it still draws me in. I know, I am weird, but as I said before, moody landscapes and old buildings just intrigue me. A mixture of photograph, digital painting, textures, and stamps, this digital mixed media piece is a favorite of mine. 

Don't be a fault-finder...instead see the beautiful setting sun reflecting just as brightly from the windows of the alms-house. xo

Woodland Fairies

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

~Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

This Is A People Shooting Hat

"This is a people shooting hat," I said.  "I shoot people in this hat."

~Holden in The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

My first piece in 2016, This Is A People Shooting Hat, was inspired by the book The Catcher In the Rye by J.D. Salinger. As a teen, I read the book in high school and always held it to be one of my favorite books of all time. Over time, my memory of the plot details has faded so, not only did I need a refresher of the story line and also I wanted a fresh perspective of the literary themes by reading it as an adult.

I just finished reading the book The Enchanted Life of Adam Hope (Book 1 of my 20 book goal I set for myself in 2016) and my junior-in-high-school daughter was getting ready to start reading Catcher for a literary analysis paper. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to reread the book and share my thoughts with my daughter as we read it together. In Chapter 3 the main character, Holden, has a verbal exchange with one of his classmates about his red hunting hat that he wears. During that exchange, he says the quote above, and it struck a chord with me. Many who have not read the book may take offense to this quote considering all the shootings that have occurred in this country of late, but this quote should not be taken at face value. Holden never shoots anyone in the book and it is merely a glimpse into the cynical mind of a young man who is struggling on the edge of manhood, trying to negotiate becoming mature and independent while still retaining the truthfulness he perceives that comes with youth.  To grow up or not to grow up, that is the question.

While Holden never physically shoots anyone, he does "shoot" them with the internal dialog in his brian. He can't stand grown-ups and his disdain for them is quite apparent throughout the book. I was inspired on many symbolic levels to create an image that portrays his internal struggle between youth and manhood.  See if you can find the symbolism and the visual irony I have at play here.

I hope you enjoy This Is a People Shooting Hat and if you haven't read this incredible novel, I suggest you do. Watching my daughter analyze it in context of the political, social, and artistic climate of the time, is both exciting and inspiring. I am glad I have the opportunity to reread one of my favorites while sharing it with my daughter.

Hugs.  xo

A Tournament of Lies

A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies

Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives

And I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it (It's time I had some time alone)

It's the end of the world as we know it

And I feel fine.

R.E.M

It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Created partially from collage software and partially in Photoshop CS 6 after watching the news and realizing once again why it is I only watch it maybe once a month. Truly, it feels like I don't recognize the world I am living in with all the hate and destruction swirling around us on a daily basis. 

Civil unrest. ISIS. Politics. Mass killings. Refugees...it goes on and on and on. 

I turn it off.  I turn it all off and risk being ignorant to the world's issues. I am choosing to stick my head in the sand just for a moment of sanity. No wonder the stress level in our country is palatable. It is all bubbling beneath the surface, rising over and simmering, threatening to explode as all of the media outlets spoon feed us the bitter taste of hate. When it does boil over...it will be the end of the world as we know it...and I don't think I will feel fine. 

Going back to my happy place, now.

I Am Reborn

Each night, when I go to sleep, I die.

And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.

~Mahatma Gandhi

It's so refreshing to know that every day is a new day; a new opportunity to become your best self. What a blessing that we get to renew our faith, continue or change our journey, turn a new leaf, and come closer to our authentic self with each rising of the sun. Night is cleansing. Night is quiet and pure. So thankful that I am reborn each and every time my eyes close and then open again.

xo

Adventure of Perception

Imagine an eye unruled by man-made laws of perspective, an eye unprejudiced by compositional logic, an eye which does not respond to the name of everything, but which we must know each object encountered in life through an adventure of perception.

~Stan Brakhage

Passage Into Self Awareness

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.

~August Wilson

Going Back to My Roots

I know it's gotta go like this, I know 

Hell will always come before you grow 

Trouble found me, trouble found me 

 I'm going back to my roots 

Another day, another door 

Another high, another low 

Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom 

I'm going back to my roots.

Roots by Imagine Dragons

I truly will be going back to my roots this weekend...I am headed south to Lynchburg to visit my mother. I am very much looking forward to seeing and spending time with her. I haven't seen her in quite a while. We will be spending an early Thanksgiving together since she didn't want to travel here to Maryland for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will go to her for an early Thanksgiving and she will come to us for Christmas.  

Homeschooling is going really well. The kids and I have adjusted well and have settled into a beautiful routine. I couldn't be happier with their progress and I get to spend tons of quality time with them. I do miss having an occasional day to myself, but 95% of the time it is tons of fun. I have my first homeschool review on December 3 and I am looking forward to it. I have all my ducks in a row and I am already organized and prepared to show the twins' progress.

A quick reminder that even though I will be out of town and can't be there myself, a new show reception is happening tomorrow, Friday, November 20 from 7-9PM at Arts By the Bay Gallery in Havre de Grace, MD.  I have 5 pieces showing...4 digital art and 1 photography piece. There are over 40 artists showing work there and you simply must stop in to see all the wonderful local art. Start your holiday shopping early! If you'd like to stop in while I am there, I will be working Sunday, the 29th at noon.   Stop in and see me and we can chat about my pieces!  One of the pieces showing, Say Geronimo, is one of the artworks featured in the winter issue of Artful Blogging!  Stop in and I can show you the framed original and the magazine article as well. 

This digital mixed media piece is a compilation of 4 different photographs, 4 different textures, two different digital stamps, and many adjustment layers. I created this piece in my mind when I first heard the song Roots by Imagine Dragons. It is one of my favorite songs now and I couldn't wait to make my vision come alive on the screen. I hope you enjoy it. 

Have a wonderful evening and I will see you soon...

The Sea Calls Tenderly

The sea calls tenderly to me; a liquid whisper.

The equator draws me, traces my soul and
centers me with her siren voice; tempting me to her bosom.

The brisk, diminished day of Autumn
Drives me away with urgency
Lest my bones chill too soon and paralyze me.

"Hurry," she urges.

The sweet coercion futile to contest.

And so I go, trustingly,
To join the reverie at the center of the earth.

Time

Time doesn't love you anymore 

But I-I-I I'm still knocking at your door.

~Mikky Ekko

When time doesn't love you anymore...a digital collage created from public domain elements, my own digital collection, and textures. I then applied a digital colored pencil technique (as opposed to painting) on part of the image to give it a more mystic feel. This piece created itself in my head when my daughter introduced me to the song Time by Mikky Eckko and this is what I visualized.  I truly loved the process of making this jump from my brain to the screen. A huge thank you to all the other artists and photographers out there who donate images to the public domain and allow collage artists to use pieces and elements of your work for our creative processes!

A detail view of the elements in the mixed media piece, Time.

Have an amazing Thursday, y'all!

When We Drove Past the Farm in Autumn

There is something so comforting to me about this time of year. I love the fresh chill in the air, the sound of combines working late into the night,  and the smell of the damp earth heaving a sigh before a long winter's rest. Plumes of smoke rise from bonfires, surrounded by families telling ghost stories and roasting marshmallows together. The birds become active again, some beginning their commute south while others frantically gorge on autumn seeds and grain to fill up for the long winter creeping in. This time of year seems to give us permission to exhale, to stop and look around us, and appreciate the bounty the earth has given us over the past many months. I so appreciate Mother Nature's hard work providing us with her fruits.

Sitting in the passenger side, I rode by a local farm the other day. I snapped an iPhone image of the golden cornfields blurring by me with the farm and silo in the background, partly obscured by the tall, dry cornstalks.  I didn't think much of it until later when I looked back at the image and was inspired by the gorgeous tones of the season and decided to create it into this piece. Just looking at it makes me happy, and I hope it does you too.

xo

Friends That Blow Bubbles Together Stick Together

I am so glad I finally found time to create again. I have been so swamped with homeschooling, work, and construction that I haven't been able to dedicate time to creating lately. When I came across this vintage girl and her adorable dog, I couldn't resist even though it took me days to complete. My Lyme is acting up and I am having trouble with my fine motor skills in my hands again. So, it takes me a long time to complete a piece like this one, working 15 minutes at a time, giving my hands plenty of breaks in between. Controlling a mouse is an arduous task when my hands are like this. Heck, even typing is an issue.

Things aren't going to be slowing down much, so I've got to grab time when I can. My work will be featured at The Gallery at 122 Main until October 31 (to benefit The National Capital Lyme Association)  and I will be showing some new pieces at Arts By the Bay in November (more details coming about that later). I am taking a trip to Las Vegas next week (hoping to get some great photography opportunities) and my Artful Blogging article comes out November 1. After all of that we enter Thanksgiving and Christmas rush! Being busy is good, I just have to remember what my body can handle and take care of myself, a feat I am not always very good about. I am adding some "bucket list" items to my professional list, so I will be working towards making those goals come true. One is to enter a juried show and another is to make it on to a show like PBS's Artworks. Lofty dreams, but the only way to achieve them is to go for it!

This piece was created with many, many layers. It started with the vintage girl and her pup. I removed them from the background of the original vintage photo and then painted them in photoshop to add color to the black and white original. Then, I collaged in a found background (from a public domain site where artists share their work for others to use) and then changed it a bit to fit my needs. Next, I created the floor using several textures and then painted it in Corel Painter Essentials. I imported the floor into photoshop as another layer, combining it with the background wall. I then imported a picture of a chair and balloon, modified it to fit my needs, layered the girl and pup on top, and then added the bubble gum. I added shadows and light in photoshop, and then I layered three papers: a postcard with child writing on it; the word "secrets" cut out from a magazine (can you find it?); and an old stamped library due date plaque from the back of a book. This gives the piece the mixed media feel I was looking for. All of my pieces have a much deeper meaning to them than their quirky, sometimes whimsical surface, as does this piece. I will hold the meaning close to my heart unless you ask me in person and I will tell you the story.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday...hoping to be able to blog and create a little more this week!  xo

Transform Decay Into Something Generative

"It's art that pushes against psychological and social expectations, 

that tries to transform decay into something generative..."

~Jerry Saltz

One of my favorite ways to create is to just scan through elements of media I have and start selecting things and placing it on my digital workspace. I don't necessarily know where I am going or why, but as I select items and move them around, I start to build on a concept that forms slowly, as if I am birthing the piece one mental contraction at a time.

For this piece, it started with color. Something about the warm colors fit my mood, so I just started browsing my media files and selecting pieces that were red, yellow, and orange. I began layering them and moving them until I came up with a visual I was comfortable with. I then tweaked color saturation, and contrast before adding one last layer of texture...a chalk-like texture, and I knew I was finished.

My friend asked me the other day how long it takes me to finish a piece. I had a difficult time answering because some pieces come together and just work very quickly...and by quickly I mean in a few hours. Some take days...sometimes weeks...because I have to walk away from them. I know they aren't finished because they don't FEEL finished although I couldn't verbalize why. I just can feel when a piece is finished and sometimes it can take weeks for me to work with it to figure it out.

I'm getting excited about my solo show coming up on October 2...it for sure will be a great experience. I am not finished matting and framing all of my pieces so it is down to dropping the art off and having it hung! There is something different for a digital artist to see your work in print on beautiful archival, high quality art paper. It makes the color come to life and pop off the page.

Have a fabulous Tuesday.  xo