I Am- Self Portrait

I Am- Digital Art Self Portrait by Tracey Grumbach

Today I will be posting reader questions (thank you to everyone who sent them!) and my answers to those questions. These are always so much fun for me.

Question 1- What are your favorite apps to use for editing on iOS devices?

Well, it depends what I am trying to achieve. If I am simply editing contrast and color of a photograph, my favorite go-to app is Snapseed. I usually use the adjustment tools in the "Tune Image" section of the app. If I am looking to add texture to my pieces, I will often use Distressed FX, Mextures, Stackables, and Formulas. If I am transferring my photos back and forth between my iMac and my portable iOS devices (iPhone 6S Plus and my iPad), then my favorite app is PhotoSync.  To be honest, though, I often times use upwards of 5 different apps on a single digital art piece, not counting adjustments I do in Photoshop CC as well.

Question 2- You mentioned at you Featured Artist Opening Show that you were going to teach a digital art class sometime this summer.  Is that still happening?

Ugh. No. My summer imploded in a very fast way once I started Chronic Lyme Disease Treatment again in May, so right now my focus is my health. This does not mean, however, that I will not do a workshop. It simply means that I am now looking into fall to do it. Keep your eyes open and thanks for being patient!

Question 3- You said you were on a very restrictive diet because of Chronic Lyme Disease...can you elaborate?

Sure, I'll try! Right now my doctor is looking into food sensitivities that I may have as a result of being ill with several different tick borne illnesses.  These illness can cause your immune system (which largely resides in your gut) to attack food particles and cause inflammation, pain, and a host of other various symptoms. I am currently waiting for the results of a blood test that will hopefully make it more clear which foods are causing an issue for me, but in the meantime I am on a Paleo-like diet consisting of only organic whole foods, not including any grains, legumes, corn, nightshade vegetables, certain spices, dairy, coffee, caffeine, or refined sugars. It was very difficult at first, but as I see my pain levels drop, it becomes easier because I see what an effect it is having on my quality of life. When the test comes back I may be able to add foods back into my diet depending on what sensitivities and allergies show. You can check this out to see a similar diet and better explanation than I can give. I am on this exact diet, but close to it.

Question 4-  How do you stay on such a restrictive diet? Haven't you lost tons of weight and aren't you starving?

Well, it isn't easy to stay on it at all, especially when living with others who are NOT on it and being surrounded by foods I shouldn't have all the time. I stay motivated because I see a difference in my pain levels and quality of life. Secondly, I meal plan and batch cook a lot! If I am caught off guard without food, I tend to cheat and then pay for it in pain, so I make sure I have food prepared ahead of time all the time. Also, when I am out I pack my food to take with me. I show up at parties with my own meals. I take my own food when we stop at fast food restaurants while out doing chores. Being prepared and seeing a difference in pain levels are what make me successful in being so restrictive with my diet.

No, I am not starving at all. Because I make sure to get plenty of high quality protein, I am rarely hungry. Also, I have a very regimented eating and medicine schedule, so my body is used to eating at specific times. Once I went through withdraw from sugars, I haven't had issues with being hungry.

No, I have not lost a ton of weight. Back in 2014 when I first started treatment I lost 48 pounds. Since then I have maintained my weight but recently have lost 5 more pounds. I am thin but not dangerously so. My doctor says my BMI is perfect for my height so my weight is at a healthy level right now. My goal is not losing weight, it is controlling pain. I do, however, get unsolicited opinions about my weight from random strangers who tell me I am too thin, lol.


Question 5- I heard you decided to stop homeschooling and send your kids back to public schools.  Why?

Yes, my husband and I took this decision very seriously. We decided it was the right time to send them back (which was our goal anyway). After a long discussion with the twins themselves, my doctor, and each other, Brian and I think it is in the best interest of everyone for this transition to occur now. I am not going into the nitty gritty details because frankly, it is not anyone's business, but we are all happy and excited for the change. While we loved every minute of homeschooling, the twins and I are happy and grateful for the new experience ahead.

Question 6- What is your favorite color?

Right now, robin's egg blue and grey.

Question 7- I think I read a blog post that said you are writing for an online magazine now. Which one and where can I see the articles you write?

Yes, I am writing for The Mighty.  I have two articles published at this time and more are in the editor's hands. You can see my The Mighty author's page here which has a link to all the published articles I've written for them. Any future articles I write will show up on that page when they are published.

Question 8- What is your favorite Bible verse?

Right now it is Matthew 14:27.  xo


Thank you so much to everyone who sent in questions! You all are the best.  Feel free to send questions to me at any time and I will write future Reader's Questions posts with the answers!

Have a blessed Tuesday!

Looking West- Self Portrait by Tracey Grumbach

Looking West is the result of a self portrait project I've been working on for a while now. I couldn't get the colors quite right and I wasn't happy with the initial "melting" look I was going for. But, after persistence and effort, I am finally calling it finished. I wanted the entire piece to reflect the contrasts of opposites I feel within myself. Warm colors vs. Cool colors. Straight lines vs. Curved lines. Reality vs. Fantasy. I feel like I two forces fighting with each other inside...Me and Lyme Me, which are opposites in so many ways. I wanted to visually reflect that in this piece. I was inspired to create the stepped, rectangular "melting" red "rocks" in this piece from hoodoos in the westerrn United States. I have always been fascinated by these rock outcroppings and wanted to incorporate the red colored earth and the tall vertical shapes in Looking West. Then, I added the cool colors and the circular "bubbles" to contrast with the tall red vertical spires.  I hope you like this piece.

I enjoyed my mini-vacation visiting my mother in Lynchburg to celebrate Easter. We had a great time as a family and we were sad to leave so soon. After so much preparation for being the Featured Artist for the spring show at Arts By the Bay, preparing for the May 5th Ticked Off event, and preparing for the May 20th Photo Walk Workshop, it was a much needed mental vacation from all the thinking. In addition to all of that, my oldest daughter has her senior prom and graduation from high school, my youngest boy is starting his baseball season, and my youngest daughter is knee deep in concert mode for her last two choral concerts of the year. It is a bit crazy around here, y'all.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

P.S. Please pray for Kimie, a dear friend and fellow artist, who was working with me to create the Ticked Off Lyme Disease Awareness necklaces. She has suffered a severe medical issue and has been hospitalized for weeks now. Her family would very much appreciate any and all prayers for her health as possible. Thank you! All Ticked Off Necklace orders will be postponed until her health is restored. Thanks for understanding!

I Am Wonderfully Made- Self Portrait by Tracey Grumbach

About this image: There are times in life when things that would have taken a long time to learn and accept come much easier and softer. There would have been a time where I would have taken so very personally that friends I have known for a long time have moved on and are no longer wanting to be in touch. To be honest, there was a time when I took everything personally. However, through maturity and through illness, I have learned that all people in my life serve a purpose, sometimes for me to learn from them, and sometimes vice versa. I truly believe that some people will come and go in our lives once the purpose of the relationship is served. People grow, change, move on, and walk a separate path. And that's OK. When I realized this week that friends I have been reaching out to for a while now have no interest in remaining in close contact, I could have been devastated. It hurt at first, to be truthful, but then I quickly realized this is about perspective. Instead of being bitter, I chose to be thankful for having them in my life for so long and for learning the lessons I needed to learn from them. Then, it was time to gracefully set them free. This self portrait was birthed from that experience this week. It comes down to loving myself enough and trusting God that it was time to let go and move on.

Psalm 139:14- I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Have a wonderful weekend! I will be busy with art all day tomorrow. Stop in Arts By the Bay Gallery, voted Harford County's Best Art Gallery, between 11AM-2:30PM to see me and all the wonderful art. Then from 7PM-9:30PM I will displaying art at Bel Air High School for the Susquehanna Symphony Orchestra concert! Hope to see some of you there!

Was That You Passing Me By?- Baltimore Digital Artist

About this image- Back in 2010 I was attempting to do Project 365 where I would take, edit, and post a picture every day for an entire year. I believe I made it through August and then just completely failed, lol. One of the first images I did for this was to take three separate self portraits and then compile them into one image with three different images of me facing in different directions. The exercise was meant to push my boundaries with learning to work with layers in Photoshop.  While going back through the images, one in particular grabbed my attention and I completely altered it to create this digital self portrait. It was inspired, as the title might give away, by reading Never Broken by Jewel.

Today, since the image is of me, I thought I would give a health update for those who follow along with my CLD (Chronic Lyme Disease) journey. If you have been reading my blog for awhile you would know that I was reinfected with another tick bite this past summer and was in treatment again. Well, I am happy to say that I am on my last week of antibiotics! I have been through almost 6 months of treatment again (cycling and pulsing different antibiotics) and I can see an end in sight. Of course, I will be continuing to take suppliments to help my immune system along and continue with my health-conscious eating habits and lifestyle to help my mind/body/soul stay as healthy as possible. But, I am thrilled to be off antibiotics again at the end of the week. I have a love/hate relationship with them and I will not be sad to see those pills gone.

In addition, yesterday, I went to the oral surgeon for a checkup on the jaw infection surgery I had back in September. I am ecstatic to report the bone graft took beautifully and the extraction sites where all the infection was is healing perfectly. The surgeon even said my gums look "amazing." I have the green light to go ahead with the next step of the process which is to have implants placed in the jaw bone so I eventually can have teeth again on that side of my mouth. This procedure will take place in mid-February and then three months after that I will hopefully be able to have teeth placed in the implant bases!

I have some pretty cool news coming to the blog tomorrow, so be sure to check it out! Have a wonderful Thursday and since it doesn't seem like the sun wants to come out on its own, be sure to make some of your own sunshine today.

xo

SCREAM!

All the war-propaganda,

all the screaming and lies and hatred,

comes invariably from people who are not fighting.

-George Orwell

For someone who died in 1950, George Orwell had a pretty clear vision of what the world was to become. Frightening. 

This piece is a bit out of my comfort zone. But, I wanted to do a self portrait like none I have done before. I did not want it to resemble a photograph at all and I wanted it to be abstract.  I wanted the viewer to feel...to focus on emotion.  Emotion is the centerpiece of this art. All the frustration and hate and violence of late just makes me sick and crazy. I just want to scream, as many other Americans do. SCREAM! is a reflection of the current mood in this country. No matter what side you are on (perhaps that is the problem, we are choosing sides), it seems no one is satisfied and everyone just wants to scream. I've had enough of the screaming...I'm looking for silence.

Here's hoping your Tuesday is full of SILENCE. We need to silence our own heads and our own souls before we can effectively begin to listen to one another. Let that begin today. Practice silence.

xo

Falling Into Myself- A Self Portrait on My 44th Birthday

Well, hello 44. Today is my 44th birthday...pretty unbelievable that in one short year I will be half way to 90. Only 4 short years ago I was only half way to 80. Crazy, right? Very strange to realize that you've probably lived 50% of your life or more already. Some days I still feel like I'm 18 and others, well, I feel like I'm on my deathbed already.

I wanted to wake up joyful and full of thanks this morning. I wanted to feel celebratory and full of life, but it just didn't happen. Today is hard for me, I'm not going to lie. It's hard because I particularly miss my father today. I remember my parents would call me every birthday, each taking a turn on the phone to say their well wishes and the fact that I won't hear his voice today stings.

On top of that, I haven't mentioned (mostly because I wasn't ready to), that I am back in treatment for Lyme and co-infections. Back on antibiotics and anti-parasitic medicine. I've had confirmation from two different doctors that I have been reinfected somehow although I don't recall this tick bite. I'm not sure if it is a reinfection or if it persister cells flaring up again and reproducing. Either way the treatment is the same. Ugh. Not where I thought I'd be 2 years into treatment. So, physically I've been losing weight again, feeling nauseous, and just plain sick. Today is no different despite the calendar declaring it is my birthday.

It's a grey day, not very full of sunshine, so I will have to make my own today. I am looking forward to getting my hair cut and colored (my youngest daughter tells me all the time that I am not old because I don't have gray hair, lol). Tonight I hope to spend some time with my family in a quiet evening at home.

Hope you all are successful in making your own sunshine today! I know I will be working on it.
Have a beautiful day, y'all.

xo

**A note about today's self portrait...just a little tidbit I thought you might find interesting...This was made from a picture of me, obviously, but then using apps on my phone, I fractured the image and created the falling in effect. Then, in photoshop on the computer I added the textures, the map, and the blueprint of my office/studio/homeschool space in the upper right hand corner. As I am typing this, that is where I am sitting...in my office, one of my favorite places in my home. xo

You Make Your Mark

Graffiti's always been a temporary art form. You make your mark and they scrub it off.

-Bansky

No matter how hard they try, they can not erase me. They may be able to erase my art, silence my voice, and delete my words; but they will never get rid of me.

 I was in awe, standing in an alley in Baltimore City, just trying to absorb all of the art spray painted there. The paint was fresh. The art new. The pungent smell of paint still lingered in the air like a badge of courage of those risking arrest just to express themselves. The acrid bouquet cut through even the strong urine smell that lingered around the edges of the building. It was like walking into some brightly colored cartoon, the drabness and grayness of the city fading away into this vibrant new world.  A new world where color was king, expression freely accepted, and nothing was permanent. Everything was free flowing and liquid. With the breeze blowing, I almost felt unsteady on my feet. What was this amazing world I had entered?

Standing there, contemplating, I yearned for the ability to camouflage myself into the wall, like a chameleon, by taking on all the beautiful colors I saw there. What if our skin could blend perfectly into the wall and take on the exact art that our shadows were covering? How freaking cool would that be to disappear into this most vibrant, beautiful world? And that is when the idea struck me...I can. I can simply disappear here...and I did.

Hope your Monday and the rest of your week is vibrant and beautiful.

xo

Self Portrait With War Paint- My Silent Battle

Self Portrait with War Paint
digital art

My Silent Battle

I have battled monsters too small to see.
I have wrestled with monsters larger than Goliath.
I have fought quiet voices without a face.
I have brawled with voices louder than my scream.

And yet all you see is my weakness.

I am a warrior, a fighter, a soldier, a hero.

I am a champion, even if no one can see.

My silent battle rages on.



Dedicated to all the warriors out there who fight a good fight every single day...no matter what that fight may be. Make it a great day today.
xo

Beautiful Beyond Description- Being Comfortable in My Chronic Illness Skin

There is thick crust in the corners of my eyes as I wrangle myself out of bed at 3:30AM. I can't sleep. Again. I'm so tired...bone deep exhaustion and yet sleep is terribly elusive. I tiptoe to the bathroom the best I can with aching joints and stiffness beyond my years, not wanting to wake my sleeping husband. After staring at a blinking clock for over an hour, I can't stand it anymore. I have to get up. I want to crawl out of my own skin. After using the bathroom, wrapping myself in a blanket, and rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I go upstairs and turn on a dim light as not to disturb anyone. The soft glow of my computer screen turns my face into a pale glow, ghost like. And I write.

This is life now. This is me. This is the unpredictable yet predictable daily struggle with a chronic illness. This is where I am left after Lyme Disease and co-infections have redefined my life to a before/after. I am me but not me. I am ugly and beautiful. I am exhausted but wide awake. I hate myself and yet I am totally in love with me. I struggle and I persevere. I lose friends but I gain a tribe.

I took one of those silly online quizzes the other day and my results said I was "An Optimist." I smiled when the description revealed itself because it was accurate (for once!)...I am an optimist. I may play ping pong in my brain with thoughts of despair and triumph, but ultimately I am learning to see the silver lining on a daily basis. I am teaching myself to be confident in this new Chronic Lyme Disease skin I wear. Despite the many challenging things I face each day, even with dark circles under my eyes, and my slow moving, creaky body, I am beautiful. Beautiful Beyond Description.

xo

Leaving the Human Form- How Snapchat Helps Generate Ideas for Self Portraits

I like the idea of being able to briefly morph into another animal. It would be so interesting to escape this human form for a while, would it not? I am not suggesting I would rather be a different animal permanently, but it would be nice to explore options, especially considering the state of the world right now. All the hate, all the deception, all the lies. Sometimes I just want to be something other than human. (Wondertwins, anyone?). Seriously, if I were a fox or a bird or a worm for that matter, I would not have to face this election in November. Ugh.

Many younger people know this already, but some older people asked me where I get the ideas for some of my self portraits. The answer is an app called Snapchat. I am friends with my daughter on there and we crack up at the way it changes our faces and sometimes our voices. I take a reference photo from the app and then digitally paint it, often adding or taking away elements, changing colors, etc. to make it the way I want it. So, now you know how I got the idea for today's image and also this one, this one, and the of me on the sidebar with flowers in my hair. It's fun and it just might make you smile.

Here's to having a beautiful Monday and a fruitful rest of the week. Keep your eyes open for a post coming this week revealing what new artwork I will be submitting for the fall show at Arts By the Bay Gallery. Five new pieces will be going up soon.

xo

Reinvent Yourself: Self Portrait

Here's the shiny secret nobody sitting in a cold clinical office is going to tell us, unless they have lived with cancer themselves: it is not a death sentence. It is, in fact, quite the opposite. No matter how long we get to live, cancer is going to wake us up to life.

_Miriam Boleyn-Fitzgerald

in Bella Grace Summer 2016 edition

Just replace the word "cancer" with "Lyme Disease" and this all still rings true. I define my life by "before" and "after"...Before I got Lyme Disease and After I got Lyme Disease.

After I got Lyme Disease I call "My Awakening" because it has taught so much about myself, life, my family, my friends, and frankly, the world. I have changed so much after putting all the pieces back together that Lyme shattered, you would not recognize me. The world owes me nothing. I am solely responsible for my own happiness and well-being. I took ownership and responsibility for my life. I look to the earth and nature to heal me (with amazing guidance from my holistic Lyme doctor). I choose how I spend my time carefully, as time is the most precious thing I have. I want to live simply and naturally and make steps daily to do just that. I have the power and control over how I react to the stimulus all around me, the sole dictator of my emotional well being. I have choice.

Do you know how powerful that realization was for me? It transformed my life. I know I would be a different person today, a person I like immensely less than the person I am now, if I had never been infected with Lyme. While I don't wish Lyme (or any chronic illness for that matter) on anyone, I am thankful for the way it has changed my perspective on myself, the people I surround myself with, and the world.

We all have the superpower of re-inventing ourselves. I am really the only thing I have complete and utter control of in this world. Me. Myself. I.

xo

I Am the Person I Know Best

I create self portraits because I am the person I know the best.

Self Portrait 2

Self Portrait 2

Another in my recent self portrait series

How many times have I stood by and watched something from afar that I know I should stop? How many times have I talked myself out of my gut instinct? How many times have I let fear stop me? How many times have I walked by someone struggling and thought, "It's not my problem?" How many times have I not wanted to be nosey so I minded my own business instead of offering help?

Many times.

But not this night.

This night I noticed, I interfered, I had enough, I was nosey, I didn't turn the other cheek, I didn't mind my own business, I stood up for what is right, I pushed through the fear, I didn't talk myself out of it, I didn't turn my head and pretend not to see.

Driving by in Baltimore City, I saw it happen and once I did I couldn't NOT do something. I've been there, where she is, shivering (is it cold or fear or both?) on the corner trying to get away. I've been the negotiator at my own boxing match, trying to get free without harm from someone that was supposed to love me. I've wondered what words will work this time to diffuse the anger that is hurled at me for reasons I can't fathom. I've seen the fear in her eyes from the inside out and remember how the brain and emotions shut off to protect itself...that blank stare. I wonder if she will remember the whole incident or only bits and pieces or only the residual gut ache of fear, desperation, and hopelessness? I wonder if she is already planning how she will respond when he apologizes? She probably is.

I pick up my phone and dial the three numbers...9.1.1.

911. What is your emergency?

I'm at the corner of _____________ and ________________.  There is a male hitting, grabbing, and restraining a female. I need a police officer...

After I hung up the tears came, fast and hot. Why is this such an epidemic in this world? 1 in 4 women will be victims of intimate partner violence in their lifetime. I was that ONE when I was in a long abusive relationship as a teen.

I wish I knew if the police actually showed up. I wish I knew if they made it on time. I wish I knew a way to stop the abuse without putting myself in a deadly situation. I wish I knew this would be the last time she was hit by someone that is supposed to love her. I hope she makes it out. I did. There is hope, but there has to be a rock bottom and a will to move forward. If I could, I would bottle strength, courage, and fortitude and give it to her.  I'd giftwrap it in love and offer it to her like a lifesaver thrown to a drowning victim.  She just has to grab on.

xo

Slowly Sinking, Wasting

But lately her face seems

Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us.

"The A Team"

Ed Sheeran

I've been out of blogging and art for a while, as I am sure you have noticed. Everyone is so kind to contact me in the various ways, checking on me. All is fairly well...there was no particular reason for my absence other than I just haven't been feeling it lately. I haven't felt like writing or doing art in the past month or so, so I didn't. I gave myself permission to take a break. I refuse to put pressure on myself for blogging or creating art, it just doesn't work that way, so I decided that I would write when I good and well felt like it. Anyway, here is an update of recent happenings...

I've been exploring self portraits lately and I am really drawn to this one for some reason. I guess because it visually represents how I still feel some days when I am at my worst. Lately though, it seems as if I've been having a few more good days than I was (YAY!) and my blood work reflects that. My inflammation levels have dropped 4,000 points but they still remain 3x what they should be. My most recent cognitive test also indicates slightly reduced inflammation and biotoxin levels, but there still was no improvement in my oxygen levels. So, that is where we are concentrating at the moment...getting more oxygen to my brain. A new supplement was added to aid in this task, so hopefully I will be able to see the difference soon. Air hunger, exhaustion, brain fog, and word seeking seem to be hanging on tight although my pain levels have been reduced somewhat. The symptoms match what my labs and cognitive tests are showing, so at least that means I am still in tune with my body and interpreting its signals correctly.

About a month ago I wiped out in the parking lot of a local school. I was calling over my shoulder to my kiddos when I stepped off the curb and onto a rock that proceeded to roll under my foot, causing me to lose my balance. I was able to catch myself with my knees and palms, saving my face from smashing into the ground, but unfortunately, I sprained my left wrist (the ligaments were hyperextended and stretched) and cut up my palm pretty badly. The parking lot was full of debris...you know the corner of every parking lot that collects all the washed out junk...pebbles, glass, leaves, etc.?  Yep, that was the corner where I fell, so the various debris littering the ground wound up in the soft skin of the palm of my left hand. I cleaned it out with hydrogen peroxide, running water, soap, and doused it in antibacterial cream.  I even did epsom salt soaks. However, a month later, I am still dealing with weakness, pain, and a large lump on the pinky side of my palm. The doctor believes there is still debris inside my palm trapped in when the cuts healed over. So, Friday I will be seeing a hand specialist to see what needs to be done. Not what I was hoping for...more medical issues to deal with, but hopefully this will be as easy as numbing my palm, cutting open the wound, and cleaning out whatever is in there.  We'll see. I am desperately praying that surgery is not needed.

In good news, I was honored this week when I was personally invited to attend an upcoming session of the Harford County Council. On May 3, the Council will be passing a proclamation stating that May is Lyme Disease Awareness Month and I was asked, as one of the many Lyme advocates and patients in the area, to attend. If you recall, I had a solo art show back in October and I donated a percentage of the proceeds to fund education, legislation, and advocacy for Lyme sufferers. So, the organization I donated to personally reached out and asked me to be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world. In another post, I will update everyone on all the recent good work this organization has been able to achieve since my show.  :)

I hope everyone is holding on tight during this spring roller coaster weather. It has been interesting to say the least, with 30 degree temperature changes in 24 hours. May you all be blessed this beautiful time of year and I hope to be back posting soon.  xo

P.S.  I will be working at Arts By the Bay Gallery in Havre de Grace this evening from 3PM-7PM...stop in to see my work and we can chat.  

A Chronic Invalid

A chronic invalid has but one thought about his identity: He doesn't want to be a sick man. 

The rest of the discussion seems frivolous to him- an immense privilege of the healthy.

Still, I'm a novelist, and so I pursue it.

Nancy Horan- Under the Wide and Starry Sky

A digital self portrait created from inspiration by the above quote.

Many of you have been messaging me and asking me how my latest doctor appointment went. To be honest, I haven't really wanted to talk about it, so I have been unusually quiet. It just gets so tiresome constantly talking about being sick and why I am sick and why I am not getting better. But, I also know a lot of you follow my journey because you have your own journey to walk and it makes us all feel less alone if we do talk about it, so here you go...

So, because this latest appointment with a doctor who specializes in biotoxins, was very confusing and overwhelming, I am not sure I can explain it all. Basically, I have told you before that I have a genetic mutation that slows down my body's ability to rid itself of toxins, which then complicates recovery for chronic illness patients. Well, after further, more detailed testing, it turns out that I have what's called a 4-3-53 multi-susceptible genotype that doesn't recognize ANY biotoxins in the body...so it actually isn't that my body rids them slower, it is that my body doesn't rid them at all. In addition, the doctor believes I am still being exposed to biotoxin causing elements such as an active Lyme infection or mold because despite being on a drug that should bind to the toxins in my body and flush my system of them, I am not getting better. So, that must mean I am being re-exposed to the toxin causing elements over and over.

We are in the process of having our house tested for mold and I am hoping to get the results by the end of the week. If that test is negative then chances are, by process of elimination, the biotoxins would probably be coming from an active Lyme infection.

Because I have so many toxins floating around freely in my body, my hypothalamus, a section of our brain that controls just about everything, has taken a terrible hit. (By the way, according to the doctor, these toxins can travel to all parts of the body, wreaking havoc and I have already failed a neurotransmitter test showing that neurons in my brain are not firing correctly.) Not one hormone that the hypothalamus produces to control the body's functions came back at normal levels. Not one. That in and of itself has it's own waterfall of complications, one of which is my body is producing WAY too many TGF-B1 proteins (highest level should be 2,382 and mine were 10,220). This means that my own immune system is exhausting me as it takes a lot of energy for your body to produce this much. Also, it means that with that many immune proteins in my body, I present very similarly to an autoimmune patient because they can attack my good, normal cells as if they are intruders (thus explaining why I was at one time incorrectly diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.) AND, it means that with that many proteins floating around in my bloodstream it can cause "clutter" and slow down and nudge out other important "stuff" that should be in my blood.

And, if that wasn't enough, I have an active and current EBV infection (the virus that causes mononucleosis).

All of these issues have caused me to revert back to a "nurture, rest, and rehabilitate" frame of mind and through discussions with my doctor and my family we decided that I needed to stop Homeschool Co-op and real estate photography for the time being. I am still homeschooling as long as I am able but that is my only major commitment right now.

To get a much more precise and educated description of some of what I am dealing with, you can read this blog post by a much more eloquent writer.

To see the same diagram showing the biotoxin pathway that my doctor used to explain all of this to me, click here. Note that every single three-letter substance (VIP, MSH, AVP, etc.) the diagram shows, not one of mine came back normal levels.

And if you could care less, I don't blame you.

No more talk about illness after today for a while...so...I will see you back here tomorrow with another new digital art piece.

Passage Into Self Awareness

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.

~August Wilson

August 2015 Lyme Update

In Treatment- Self Portrait

August 9 was the one year anniversary of my Lyme being diagnosed. My world changed in that moment, some things for the good and in other ways, my life became horrific, although not as horrific as not knowing what was slowly killing me. I had my every-two-month checkup with my doctor yesterday and I am disappointed with where I am. Unfortunately, since last visit, when I felt at my best in two years, I have nosedived into feeling very much like I did prior to treatment. After analyzing my symptoms and my treatment plan, my doctor believes the reason for my descent is the change in treatment we implemented last time. Two months ago we agreed to switch my anti-microbial herbals so that I could hopefully benefit from pulsing the treatments every two months, but unfortunately, my body did not care for the new herbals and was not reacting well to the change in treatment. So, I have slowly declined into misery, pain, confusion, and dizziness. Many of my original symptoms have reappeared such as joint pain, muscle twitching, yeast overgrowth, brain fog, and fatigue. It has become so bad that I couldn't even drive myself to the doctor yesterday. When I came home, I ate lunch and then slept the rest of the day and all night last night.

The blood work I had done was a mixed bag of good news and bad news. The good news is that it indicated my adrenal glands are functioning much better than they were last year. My doctor has even cut back the medication I take for adrenal support to half of what I was taking. Also, the test that shows how well my immune system is functioning was better than it was 7 months ago, so some improvement has been made.  However, the bad news is the immune system indicator is actually still lower than when I started treatment and not even half of where a "normal healthy" person's should be. That is concerning. So, of course, we will be giving my immune system support while trying to continue to find and kill all the bacteria hiding in my body. I still have a very long road ahead of me and while I am so disappointed and discouraged that I am not where I want to be, I am not giving up. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, eat what I want, drink what I desire, and give the finger to all the meds I take. But I can't. I know I can't. I have 4 kids to take care of so I will continue to power through, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not-so-gracefully (more like a toddler in a candy store screaming and throwing a temper tantrum) and try to make progress.

So, there you have it...the good with the bad, the pretty with the ugly. Interesting how almost everything comes in pairs of opposites like that...yin and yang.

Have a wonderful day and if you are a religious person, I would appreciate any and all prayers for healing and strength as I stare down my second year of treatment. Thank you in advance...love to all.  xo

Daisies In My Hair

This self-portrait was created using a combination of iPhoneography, digital painting and digital mixed media.  This is how I see myself, with crooked nose and all.  I had a difficult time with the nose...the shading and making it crooked, lol.  My grandfather used to tell me that the reason my nostrils were crooked was because I picked one side of my nose more than the other.  Ewwww.  As a young girl, I hated hearing that mostly because I wondered if he was right...if maybe when I was too young to remember I picked my nose more than I should have.  Funny how little conversations will stick with you like that.  Now my crooked nostrils are a defining feature of myself.

I am glad to report that although my surgery lasted twice as long as expected and that it was more complicated than expected (my anatomy threw some surprises at the surgeon when he was in there), it so far has been a success.  My surgeon believes he has cleaned out all of the infection and was successfully able to avoid the main nerve that supplies the right side of my face with feeling, which was lying just millimeters away from the infection sites.  Despite the local anesthetic wearing off in the middle of the procedure because it lasted much longer than anticipated, remarkably I am doing well with pain.  They didn't give me general anesthesia for several reasons, one of which because they needed me to follow directions for head and mouth movement during the surgery and they also wanted to be able to assess the nerve function which they can't do unless I was awake.  So, I was awake during the 2.5 hour long surgery and awake when the numbness wore off (which was a good sign because the pain meant they had not severed the main nerve).  My surgeon did send off a biopsy of the infected tissue to a lab and mentioned that I have chronic Lyme disease to see if they can detect any Lyme or co-infection bacteria in the sample.  It should be interesting to get those results back as I have been reading lately that these tick-born illnesses can cause jaw infections.

Besides being very sore, swollen, slightly bruised, and looking like the hunch-face of Notre Dame (think lopsided jaw), all is well so far.  I go back Wednesday to get all 18 (9 double) stitches removed and have the surgery site assessed for healing.  I am feeling positive about it despite hearing the news that another infection site was found on the other side of my jaw as well which means I will probably have to do this again in the future on the left side.  One step at a time...

I am still on doctor-ordered house arrest (or light bedrest as he called it but feels more like house arrest to me) through the weekend to help reduce pain, swelling, and bleeding.  Apparently I am a bleeder, which also complicated the surgery (I knew there was trouble when he made the first cut and immediately asked if I was on blood thinners!).  So, I don't have many plans for this weekend other than catching up on my DVRed shows, reading, and possibly working on some art.

I do want you to know how flattered I am with everyone's well wishes...they came flooding in the day of surgery and haven't stopped. I've had visitors, offers to bring dinner for the family, texts, calls, private messages and more over the past two days.  You all sure know how to make a girl feel loved! I truly believe the success of the surgery was influenced by all the prayers sent for a good outcome and I can never say thank you enough.  I hope you have a blessed and beautiful weekend and I will see you all on Monday.  xo

Not All Who Wander (To My Son On His Graduation Day)

My Dearest Son,

On the occasion of a high school graduation most parents have sage advice for their son or daughter. Most can tell you with certainty the correct direction in which to launch yourself into the next phase of being an adult.  I, however, am not one with sage advice.  I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and find myself sometimes still wandering about aimlessly at times.  But there is one thing I would like to tell you...not so much advice as a mantra that I would like for you to carry with you.  It is this: Not all who wander are lost.  

I want you to know that, son.  I want you to not only hear those words, but internalize them and make them your traveling companion as you walk through the new world of independence waiting for you. I want you to make it the rhythm to which you walk...Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost.  I want you to know that it is OK to not have it all figured out.  It is OK to be scared.  It is OK to be confused.  It is OK to walk through the grass or the woods where no one has tread before you.  It is OK to wander because not all who wander are lost.

Go forward boldly but take time to veer off the well-worn path that the masses take because sometimes wandering alone and blazing your own way is where you find yourself, where you come back to the you you were meant to be. It is where you find your internal compass that will lead you in the correct direction. Wandering can teach you lessons that you may not have otherwise learned. Wandering can let you see things that others have not seen, and that, my precious child, is where the beauty lies. You get one life, so live it. Create experiences and fill your heart with gladness.  Always be content with what you have, but never settle for less than you are worth.

I am so very proud of who you are.  You are the best and brightest of me. You have a soul to be proud of, so trust yourself in quiet, still moments and follow your heart.  Be you.  Be the best you.  I love you with every ounce of my being, with every fiber that creates me.  Congratulations on this accomplishment, my son.  Your journey is just beginning and what one hell of a journey it will be.

Love,
Mom

In My Children's Eyes

I often wonder how my kids see me.

Wouldn't it be interesting to step into their mind

for just a little while and view yourself from their perspective?

I bet it would be eye opening and totally change how I see myself.

Maybe one day I will do a journaling exercise where I will 

write a description of myself from the point of view of each of my kids...

and then show it to them to see how accurate it is.

Could be interesting.

I used to worry about what other people think of me,

but these recent life-changing events, 

(the loss of my father and my health)

has made me realize I really don't give a damn what "others" think of me.

All I care about is what my family and closest friends

think about my character and my heart.

Sitting through my father's service two months ago

I began to think about what kind of person I want to be remembered as.

What would my eulogy be?

What legacy would I leave behind?

What ripple of kindness would I leave in this world?

The other thing I realized recently is 

how important it is for me to be in more pictures.

I used to avoid pictures of myself at all costs,

but when I lost my father, I realized how prized those pictures of my father are to me.

Why would I deny my children the same comfort when I pass to the next life?

It is also important to show my kids, especially my girls,

that it is important to love yourself and be ok with your flaws.

As I get older and realize the outside isn't as beautiful as the inside,

I have become less vain about how a picture of me looks.

Heck...it's me and I need to love this body of mine...

I took it for granted until the past two years when my systems started to fail due to lyme.

NOW I realize just how precious and beautiful this body is.

I will celebrate it with pictures because damn it, I am beautiful.

Today I am thankful for this little step in falling in love with myself.

I now, more than ever, respect this amaizing body and 

the miraculous way in which in functions.

xo