Empty Nest- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

Digital Artist Tracey Grumbach- Empty Nest

We've begun the countdown until my oldest daughter leaves the nest and spreads her wings.  11 days. 11 days until she sets out on her own five states away from me. We have furniture stacked and ready to be loaded into the trailer for her new apartment. We have lists written that need to be checked off. She has a room that needs to be packed up...boxes everywhere. We've been teaching her last minute life skills she will need living on her own. (paying bills, balancing checkbooks, etc.) We've been squeezing in some last minute family time with fun activities like visiting Longwood Gardens, having a crab feast, meeting family members she won't see for a while for lunch, etc. It just seems like such a lot to do in so little time. 11 days.

I don't live well in chaos and between the generalized emotion of having my first child leave home, the deep emotion of this last week saying goodbye to young men my kids' ages who've died, general anxiety about the condition of the world in which we live in, and the clutter of packing her up...well, I am an emotional mess. 11 days.

I have become increasingly aware just how precious these moments are when our children are entrusted to our care and live under the same roof as us. I am happy and excited for her because I can remember that feeling of getting ready to set out on one's own. However, my anxiety over harm coming to her has risen over the last week. I have complete confidence she will do amazingly...I just don't have complete confidence in other people. The world has become such a crazy place. 11 days.

My oldest son won't be far behind her as he plans on setting off to school in October, leaving me suddenly with a house of 4 instead of 6. I am sure that once Brenna is settled in Florida, our attention will turn to a countdown for him as well. Where has the time gone? 11 days...

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On a side note, I wanted to thank everyone who took the chance to see my art displayed at the Art Without Boundaries Exhibit at the Bel Air Branch of Harford County Public Library. This exhibit has closed and it was wildly successful. Such beautiful art created by people of all abilities! I was so honored to have my art included.

Also, please join me this Friday from 6PM-9PM at Arts By the Bay Gallery in Havre de Grace for First Friday! Stop in the gallery to say hello and then enjoy all the festivities that will be set up along Main Street. It really is a fun time! I hope to see you there. 

Blessings to you on this day.
xo

5 Year Adoption Anniversary!

Today is a special day in our family. Five years ago today was the legal adoption of the twins. Our life changed the minute they stepped into it as foster children and they still brighten our lives every single day. To celebrate, I am reposting the blog post I wrote 5 years ago on the morning of the adoption...enjoy!

Originally posted 5 years ago today...

5 years ago today at the courthouse! Our four children

I can't believe we made it here...ADOPTION DAY!

It has been such a long and winding road.

Isn't it amazing how a journey of a thousand miles

starts with one simple baby step?

I still remember the phone call I made

to my dear friend, A, who was the twins' foster mother

before me.

 I remember distinctly the first question I asked her was

"Are you sitting down?"

and the second was:

"What are the chances we will be able to adopt the twins?"

"Slim to none." was her answer.

And then she had a question for me...

"Are you crazy?"

She didn't ask me that question because 

there was anything wrong with the twins...

she was asking because I had a 12 and 10 year old

at the time and this would be starting all. over. again.

Not to mention she knew the heartache and struggles that this 

road less traveled would hold for us.

After all, she had been a foster parent for years 

and knew the system.

But there was something there...

a whisper in my heart the very fist time I saw 

their sweet faces...

Days and nights of thinking and rethinking 

and dreaming and what-if-ing.

And then, when I was still and listened to my soul

I found the answer.

They belonged with us.

They were born to be a part of this family.

And so the journey began.

Today is the end of our fostering journey 

but the beginning of a lifelong journey of a new family dynamic.

Four children!  

I've always wanted four children.

I thought they would all be biological children,

but God had a master plan 

and needed us to raise these little blessings...

and so He told us to wait...

(Most of you may not know that I miscarried my third child after the 12th week)

and so I thought there would never be four children.

But, I was wrong.

It was in the plans, just not how I thought it would be.

Today starts this new, beautiful, scary journey of 

 loving, worrying about, guiding, teaching,

and yes, getting frustrated with,

two more children...

two beautiful gifts entrusted to us...

a gift times two from the universe.

Thank you to all of my friends and family

who have walked this path with us...

clearing the way, 

crying with us,

supporting us,

cheering with us,

having sleepless nights worrying with us,

letting us lean on you when we were ready to quit,

and now

celebrating with us.

We love each and every one of you.

As I sit here and type,

happy tears are falling

down my cheeks

because I know from this day forward

life will never be the same.

And thank God for that.

My 4 children today!
Photo by Dawn Bayer Photography

xoxo

The Worst Part of Holding the Memories

The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. 

It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.

~Lois Lowry

A while ago I gave an update on my Lyme treatment. At that time I mentioned having a huge fear related to Lyme but I didn't elaborate.  Today, I am ready to talk about that anxiety. My angst actually has to do with my children and how they will remember me. I am so afraid that because this illness and the repercussions of this illness have sucked up so many years of my life that, in my children's eyes, I will always be remembered as being sick or in pain. I'm terrified my legacy will be illness. When I say this is a fear of mine, I mean I lose sleep and shed tears worrying about this. It is a bone deep fear that sometimes stops me in my tracks.

There are many physical activities that I can not do yet because of this illness. The pain and exhaustion associated with this disease impairs my ability to do strenuous activity. Sometimes it stops me from doing any activity at all. For a previously very active and athletic person, this absolutely kills me. I am also fiercely independent and a Type A personality. I hate to ask for help. I hate needing help. I hate the word "can't" but I have had to become friends with these ideas. I want my children to remember me hiking high points, rafting rapids, shooting sporting clays, swimming in the lake with them. I do NOT want them to remember me in bed, crying, scared, and angry.

So far 4 years have been swallowed by this illness. Two and a half trying to be correctly diagnosed and the other year and a half in treatment. I thought I would be healed by now and I could return to the life I once had but that is not the case. I thought I could get over this misery quickly (within a year) and be back doing all the things I once did. I figured if that was the case, this was just a bump in the road and the kids would forget about it once I was back to my former self. Unfortunately, it hasn't been a bump in the road. It has been a road in and of itself and I don't know where the exit sign is. I so desperately want my kids to remember a vibrant, happy, glowing, healthy, energetic mother. I have been sick for many of their formative years, so their memories of me are, like in the movie Inside Out, tainted with a touch of blue sadness that I will never be able to erase.

So, there it is in the open and raw. I am scared I will be remembered as sick, weak, and unable. I am hoping there will be a turn in my treatment soon so no more time will be dominated by this illness. As long as there is hope, there is life, so I will keep hoping. I have 4 beautiful kids and a husband to make memories with. I am mentally ready to write the next chapter, but I just need my body to catch up.

xo

This digital artwork is a digital mixed media piece including textures, stamps, and painting techniques layered on a base of an iPhone image. The subject is one of my favorites and has appeared in a previous bestseller for me, Snowy Ridge.

A Letter To My Daughter On Her Sweet Sixteen

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

My Dearest Daughter,

Sixteen years ago you came so gently into this world.  Even in birth you were easy and accommodating. The first time I looked into those big round eyes of yours I could tell you were going to be an old soul. Even in infancy there was a seasoned patience and knowing that you carried in your beautiful eyes. As you've grown into a young woman, those same characteristics, along with your fiery heart, have taken you a long way and have endeared you to many souls. You are a people person without needing to be the center of attention, a voice of reason among extreme attitudes, and a calming force in times of chaos. For all of these reasons I love you with every part of my being.

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

You are the best of me and your father, a perfect blend of goodness. Your drive to make a mark in this world will be fulfilled because you've known from early on you were meant for great things. Your words will one day change this world.  I believe in you and your dreams.  I can't wait to watch your life unfold one success at a time.

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

I love you, my darling girl.  May you always carry my love with you in a pocket deep within your heart. Know how proud I am of you and how much I believe in you.  Change the world, Baby.  I'm waiting here cheering you on!  Happy Sweet Sixteen!  xo

Love,
Mom

*Photography is not my own...portraits were taken by Dawn Bayer Photogrpahy.  Used with permission.

Replacing Negative with Positive

Taken and edited with iPhone 5s except the watermark

Do you have a tape inside your head that is set to repeat over and over again?  If so, what does it tell you?  I thought about this concept as I was driving to and from my real estate shoot yesterday.  I am very guilty of having negative self talk and as I get older, it is more and more apparent to me how damaging it can be.  Think about it...if you keep telling yourself you aren't good enough (or thin enough, or smart enough, etc.) over and over you are eventually going to believe it.  And then...and then it takes so, so long to undo the damage, to unhear those negative thoughts and instead replace them with the self love.

I have struggled with negative self talk for a long, long time.  I am more aware of it now that I am an older adult, but the damage has been done and it has taken a long journey for me to get better and substitute a better soundtrack into my head and life.  It took some counseling and some deep self reflection to overcome many of the teen issues I had as a result of having false beliefs about myself. Some of those thoughts were self inflicted, but some were from harsh words of adults in my life.

The reason I began thinking about all of this is because I have two teens right now.  I often wonder what the tapes inside their minds are telling them.  I hope, as a mother, I can be a positive influence in making them understand that they are humans who are growing and learning and to give themselves a break.  They are perfect beings created by God (they are not perfect in the sense they don't make mistakes, but in the sense that God doesn't create mistakes and they are created in his perfect image).  I hope that they can strike a balance of humility and self love as they develop into adults so they can avoid the struggles and mistakes I've made as an adult.

Ah, the joy of having kids and worrying about them.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  I love those 4 kids with all my being.  I just hope I am a good enough mother to release them into the world with a strong sense of self, family, and community.


I am playing along with Weekly Top Shot over at Madge's Place!  Click through to see other players!