Individually, We Are One Drop

We Are One Drop- Photo by Brenna Grumbach; Edited by Tracey Grumbach

Individually, we are one drop.

Together, we are an ocean.

-Ryunosuke Satoro

It was a bright, perfectly warm day, about 75 degrees, when we stood together on this California beach. We stood in awe as the Pacific waves crashed terribly, forcibly into the rocky cliffs surrounding the sand. The noise was an unrelenting cycle of pounding surf punctuated with the high pitched squawks of seagulls nearby. It was too loud to talk comfortably, so we stood in silence, observing. Our bare feet sunk slowly into the cold, wet sand, eventually lost beneath the ever transforming earth. We squinted, despite wearing sunglasses, as the sun reflected off of the water like a million diamonds floating in the sea, the color of the water so turquoise that we wondered if it were real. The spray and mist from the salty water permeated the air and clung to our skin and hair in micro-droplets, surrounding us in a moisture filled hug from the sea. Negataive ions of crashing water swirled around us, luring us closer to this undulating, breathing giant. We were there together, but separate, lost in our own thoughts and sensory experiences yet united in this common experience, this common place. 

I will never forget this moment I shared with my daughter and my husband on a trip we took west to explore colleges back in September. As we were driving along the coast, north to Los Angeles, we spontaneously pulled off at a parking area and got out to explore this beach. This moment is engrained in my mind, which is why this altered photo means so much to me. It was a collaboration of her photograph and my editing, used with her permission and blessing. As she is getting ready to leave for college in less than two months, I want to capture, memorialize, and remember these individual memories I've shared with her. Her absence will be felt deeply here when she is gone, but I am so thrilled for her to spread her wings. A bittersweet dichotomy...

Have a blessed day.

xo

Hay Harvest- Digital Collage by Harford County Artist

Hay Harvest by Tracey Grumbach

As the days seem to slow to a turtle's pace, my thoughts are in St. Louis with my cousins and their children. If you are not friends with me on Facebook, you may not know that their 16 year old daughter and 13 year old son were in a horrific car accident and are both in comas with traumatic brain injuries. It has been quite a desperate time for my extended family as they have already lost one son in a car accident years ago when he was only 19.

If you could, please pray for my extended family. You can read more about the children and read the medical updates from their parents at their Go Fund Me page. The children's older sister set up the account to help relieve the incredible cost of the medical care for two children and the daily living expenses (my cousins are both staying at the hospital with their children, of course, which is two hours away from their home.)

The outpouring of help, love, prayers, and thoughts for my extended family has been amazing. Thank you to everyone who supports them in daily prayer. This is going to be a long difficult journey for the children, their parents, their grandparents, and their siblings. But with everyone's support, we can get them through this. Please continue to check the Go Fund Me page for updates, as I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to blog about it here daily.

Thanks and have a wonderful, safe Halloween.

xo

Shaking Hands With the Dark Part of My Thoughts

Two days ago was a horrible day. We all have them. Truth be told, though, it almost crushed me. Days where things just pile on and pile on and pile on really challenge me. I guess it challenges everyone unless you are a complete saint. I'm not a saint. Not even close.

To start out, I haven't been feeling my best. I am not sure if I am having mold issues in the house again which is causing my sinus problems, or if I caught the virus my oldest daughter had about a week ago. Either way, for about 5 days I have been dealing with sinus pain, pressure, and headaches. So just waking up and getting going yesterday was a challenge.

Then, I had an appointment with the endodontist that did my jaw surgery in June of 2015. The teeth/jaw that he repaired had another infection and so it needed to be re-evaluated. I was praying for an easy solution to this latest jaw infection, but I came away from the appointment disappointed, frustrated, and terrified because the news was not good. The infection was back full force and once again was beginning to "eat away" at my jaw bone. The bone had not healed the way he was hoping it would and so the tooth can't be saved. He told me I would need to have the tooth extracted and have surgery on the jaw to remove the infection and implant a bone graft. Hopefully after this procedure, the infection will stay away and the bone graft will take to help regrow the bone that has been compromised from the infection. Of course, hearing this news on top of not feeling well to begin with was quite the blow.

On the way home from the appointment I stopped at a health food market to grab a few things we were out of since we got back from vacation. I went through the market quickly grabbing things I needed only to get to the cashier to realize I didn't have a credit card or cash to pay with. The night before I had given my oldest daughter my cash and card to pick up a few food essentials and both of us had forgotten to get my card back. Thank goodness I convinced the natural market to let me write a check for my purchase or I would've had to leave me entire order there.

I called my daughter after leaving the store to make sure that she still had my credit card and she told me that there was a problem at home. Apparently my youngest daughter used the bathroom and clogged up the toilet but instead of asking for help, she just flushed the toilet over and over causing a flood in our upstairs bathroom. When I got home I saw the extent of the damage, including drywall ceiling damage in our basement. I was devastated. I just couldn't take one more thing. Tears flooded my eyes and I just gave in to it. I couldn't even look at my youngest daughter because I was so angry about the damage she had done.

I cried. I called my mom. I called a friend. Then, I went into quiet mode. I realized, when I became still and quiet, that I could not start the day over, I could not control the world and all the bad things in it, but I could control my thoughts and reactions. I still had a safe home in which to live. I still had my family and friends. Yes, I had some health challenges again, but I am a fighter. I still had my sense of humor. Yes, there was some damage to the house, but that could be repaired with time.

So, I shook hands with the dark part of my thoughts, acknowledged them, and then sent them on their way, allowing the blessings and gratitude for the beautiful life I live to fill in the all the crevices in my heart and brain the dark thoughts were occupying. I can only control what I can control and the rest I need to leave up to God.

I went and found my daughter in her room, told her how disappointed I was and showed her the damage she had caused to the house. I told her what the consequences were going to be since she did something she knew was wrong. And then I hugged her. I told her although I was disappointed and angry, I still loved her and nothing she ever did could change that. And then I walked away to fix dinner and nourish my family.

So yeah, shitty days happen, in this case, literally. But overall, life is beautiful.

5 Year Adoption Anniversary!

Today is a special day in our family. Five years ago today was the legal adoption of the twins. Our life changed the minute they stepped into it as foster children and they still brighten our lives every single day. To celebrate, I am reposting the blog post I wrote 5 years ago on the morning of the adoption...enjoy!

Originally posted 5 years ago today...

5 years ago today at the courthouse! Our four children

I can't believe we made it here...ADOPTION DAY!

It has been such a long and winding road.

Isn't it amazing how a journey of a thousand miles

starts with one simple baby step?

I still remember the phone call I made

to my dear friend, A, who was the twins' foster mother

before me.

 I remember distinctly the first question I asked her was

"Are you sitting down?"

and the second was:

"What are the chances we will be able to adopt the twins?"

"Slim to none." was her answer.

And then she had a question for me...

"Are you crazy?"

She didn't ask me that question because 

there was anything wrong with the twins...

she was asking because I had a 12 and 10 year old

at the time and this would be starting all. over. again.

Not to mention she knew the heartache and struggles that this 

road less traveled would hold for us.

After all, she had been a foster parent for years 

and knew the system.

But there was something there...

a whisper in my heart the very fist time I saw 

their sweet faces...

Days and nights of thinking and rethinking 

and dreaming and what-if-ing.

And then, when I was still and listened to my soul

I found the answer.

They belonged with us.

They were born to be a part of this family.

And so the journey began.

Today is the end of our fostering journey 

but the beginning of a lifelong journey of a new family dynamic.

Four children!  

I've always wanted four children.

I thought they would all be biological children,

but God had a master plan 

and needed us to raise these little blessings...

and so He told us to wait...

(Most of you may not know that I miscarried my third child after the 12th week)

and so I thought there would never be four children.

But, I was wrong.

It was in the plans, just not how I thought it would be.

Today starts this new, beautiful, scary journey of 

 loving, worrying about, guiding, teaching,

and yes, getting frustrated with,

two more children...

two beautiful gifts entrusted to us...

a gift times two from the universe.

Thank you to all of my friends and family

who have walked this path with us...

clearing the way, 

crying with us,

supporting us,

cheering with us,

having sleepless nights worrying with us,

letting us lean on you when we were ready to quit,

and now

celebrating with us.

We love each and every one of you.

As I sit here and type,

happy tears are falling

down my cheeks

because I know from this day forward

life will never be the same.

And thank God for that.

My 4 children today!
Photo by Dawn Bayer Photography

xoxo

Behind the Scenes

During last week's snowfall, a local photographer and a friend of mine, Dawn Bayer, asked my daughter to pose in a red dress. It was a vision she had in her mind for some time and my daughter was thrilled to pose for her, although she was quite chilly during the process. I grabbed my camera and shot the behind the scenes action for both my daughter and for Dawn to remember the shoot by.

You can see some of the results of the shoot on Dawn's blog. I am excited to have these images of my daughter and can't wait to get then printed!  

Have a wonderful day, y'all.  Stay dry.

Trespass

Yes, the house must be inhabited, and we will see by whom; 

for imagination is a licensed trespasser; 

it has no fear of dogs, 

but may climb over walls and peep in at windows with impunity.

George Eliot

Yesterday I wrtote a little update about what has been happening over here and I mentioned that I've been scrounging around on Ancestry.com again, digging up secrets about my family. For some reason I am completely fascinated with the stories of my family's past and when I find crime, intrigue, lost love, lies, and buried secrets, it makes the time and effort of digging worth it. 

So, during my research I came across a plea from a woman looking for her husband's paternal family. Apparently, her husband's father left his mother before he was born and never had any contact with him again. She had limited information about her husband's father, but the name caught my eye as being similar to a great-uncle that I didn't know very well but adored nonetheless. I didn't know him very well because he lived across the country in Oregon and so growing up I only saw him a few times. When I was around him, I remember always being in awe because I truly viewed him as a real-life cowboy. He was tall, wide, an imposing figure physically (to my young girl's mind), who always wore cowboy boots and a wide leather belt with a large belt buckle. Despite his hulking appearance, he was always kind, gentle, and in good spirits with me. In my mind he was a man of myth...a hero in a wild west novel. 

Intrigued with this message from 2008, I started digging through Ancestry.com's records to see what I could find and piece together about this uncle I knew more in my child's imagination than in real life and wow...I was shocked at what I found. Apparently, this great uncle had quite a troubled past starting at an early age. The first clue I found was a 1946 arrest record and mugshot from New Mexico when he was just 16 years old. He had "taken a car without permission," according to the charging document, and plead guilty. The interesting part was he gave a fake birthday, perhaps to conceal the fact that he was only 16 at the time, to make it seem as if he were 18. I imagine he didn't want to be sent home as a minor to his mom and dad so he made it seem as if he were of legal age. What I couldn't get over was what in the world a 16 year old from West Virginia was doing in New Mexico at that age, half way across the country from his family? He was sentenced to a year in the penitentiary, but I have no idea how long he actually served.

After finding this document, I contacted my mother to ask what she remembered about this uncle of hers. She didn't know a lot of details about his life, but did remember there were many myths and stories floating around about his past. I collected some information from her and other family members who knew him and the stories just got crazier and more interesting.  bigamy...many kids left behind...FBI investigations...arrest...hiding from the law... etc. Wow. 

I am still researching to see if I can find any more proof of his scoundrel days and also to see if indeed my great uncle might perhaps be the father of this woman's husband. Many of the details of his story match dates, times, and locations of my great uncle's escapades, so the chance of this being one of his kids left behind might be true. 

Sometimes when I research my ancestry, I swear I am from a long line of criminals, scoundrels, and trouble makers...from BOTH sides of my family. It sure does make for interesting research!

Have a wonderful Wednesday.  

Happy Thanksgiving...

and may the beginning of the winter holiday season be a blessed one.  If you are going out Black Friday shopping, be kind and patient with each other.  Remember, we just counted our blessings and things we are thankful for, keep that spirit in your heart as you shop for those you love.

Have a wonderful day with friends and family eating all the wonderful food our earth provides.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

xo

Battleship- The First Anniversary of My Father's Death

One year.  Today marks the first anniversary of my father's death.  I have lived an entire year without seeing his face, hearing his voice, or feeling his hugs.  I have lived an entire year without his encouragement, his tough love, his support.  How?  How is that possible?

That day, June 9, 2014 is forever engrained in my mind, blazoned in my memory like a hot branding iron.  The minutes that ticked by like days, weeks...the sound of my mother's voice as she told me he was gone; the long journey to my parent's house in Lynchburg, Virginia. How can a year have passed already when the first 24 hours felt like a year in itself?  How could I have not died of heartbreak during these 365 days?  Some days it seemed inevitable that I would. The struggle to remember to breathe, the pain so deep in my gut, my heart, my chest, that all I can think about is the empty hole there in my soul and I would forget to breathe.  It would be too painful to breathe.

And yet here I am.  One year later.  They say time heals all wounds, but twelve months into grieving and the pain is still there.  I can't imagine it will ever go away.  Yes, it isn't all I think about every minute of every day like in the early months.  But every day I do think of him and all he has taught me.  I wonder about him...where he is, what he is doing, what he knows, when I will see him again. And it is still painful...that raw feeling of having just lost him.

The other day I was playing the game Battleship with my youngest son and it made me think...yes, Battleship, that is exactly what this past year has felt like.  Not only losing my father, but also fighting Lyme disease, Bartonella, Ehrlichea, and C. Pneumonia.  Battleship...with it's white misses, red hits, and sunken ships.  I've had white misses where the day has gone well, nothing blowing up my life that day; red hits where my heart and body are broken and life seems so very difficult; and sunken ships...days that just seemed better off if they had never happened.

So, as I often do these days, I created a digital art piece to represent this Battleship game I've been playing for the last year.  Hoping I can put more white pegs on the board this year than red.  Hoping there are less sunken ships in the coming months, and hoping I ultimately win this game of Battleship.

Please say a quick prayer for my family today for continued healing during this on-going grieving process. Please include my father in your thoughts and meditations today that he is at peace.  Thank you to all my amazing friends and family who have been there on the sunken ship days and have thrown a life-ring to me as I've drifted aimlessly in the ocean of sadness this past year.  You are not taken for granted or forgotten.

A Letter To My Daughter On Her Sweet Sixteen

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

My Dearest Daughter,

Sixteen years ago you came so gently into this world.  Even in birth you were easy and accommodating. The first time I looked into those big round eyes of yours I could tell you were going to be an old soul. Even in infancy there was a seasoned patience and knowing that you carried in your beautiful eyes. As you've grown into a young woman, those same characteristics, along with your fiery heart, have taken you a long way and have endeared you to many souls. You are a people person without needing to be the center of attention, a voice of reason among extreme attitudes, and a calming force in times of chaos. For all of these reasons I love you with every part of my being.

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

You are the best of me and your father, a perfect blend of goodness. Your drive to make a mark in this world will be fulfilled because you've known from early on you were meant for great things. Your words will one day change this world.  I believe in you and your dreams.  I can't wait to watch your life unfold one success at a time.

*Copyright Dawn Bayer Photography

I love you, my darling girl.  May you always carry my love with you in a pocket deep within your heart. Know how proud I am of you and how much I believe in you.  Change the world, Baby.  I'm waiting here cheering you on!  Happy Sweet Sixteen!  xo

Love,
Mom

*Photography is not my own...portraits were taken by Dawn Bayer Photogrpahy.  Used with permission.

Not All Who Wander (To My Son On His Graduation Day)

My Dearest Son,

On the occasion of a high school graduation most parents have sage advice for their son or daughter. Most can tell you with certainty the correct direction in which to launch yourself into the next phase of being an adult.  I, however, am not one with sage advice.  I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and find myself sometimes still wandering about aimlessly at times.  But there is one thing I would like to tell you...not so much advice as a mantra that I would like for you to carry with you.  It is this: Not all who wander are lost.  

I want you to know that, son.  I want you to not only hear those words, but internalize them and make them your traveling companion as you walk through the new world of independence waiting for you. I want you to make it the rhythm to which you walk...Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost.  I want you to know that it is OK to not have it all figured out.  It is OK to be scared.  It is OK to be confused.  It is OK to walk through the grass or the woods where no one has tread before you.  It is OK to wander because not all who wander are lost.

Go forward boldly but take time to veer off the well-worn path that the masses take because sometimes wandering alone and blazing your own way is where you find yourself, where you come back to the you you were meant to be. It is where you find your internal compass that will lead you in the correct direction. Wandering can teach you lessons that you may not have otherwise learned. Wandering can let you see things that others have not seen, and that, my precious child, is where the beauty lies. You get one life, so live it. Create experiences and fill your heart with gladness.  Always be content with what you have, but never settle for less than you are worth.

I am so very proud of who you are.  You are the best and brightest of me. You have a soul to be proud of, so trust yourself in quiet, still moments and follow your heart.  Be you.  Be the best you.  I love you with every ounce of my being, with every fiber that creates me.  Congratulations on this accomplishment, my son.  Your journey is just beginning and what one hell of a journey it will be.

Love,
Mom

Letting Go

Memorial Day-  it will forever have a different meaning for me. This weekend changed that.  It was always a weekend of remembrance for those who gave everything in defense of our country's freedom. My freedom. My children's freedom.  But 2015 Memorial Day was much more. It was the weekend of saying goodbye to my father once again. Although he died last June, almost a year ago now, I had not yet scattered his ashes as he had requested. I was waiting, clinging on to what...I don't know. But I did know it was time, time to let him go and fulfill his wishes. It was his wish to be scattered on a body of water that he loved very dearly. (For the privacy of my family, I will not reveal location.)

My father loved the water...always did. He grew up partly in West Virginia and partly in Essex, Maryland where he owned his own little fishing boat from an early age. As he grew up the water was always a part of his life and then when he married my mother and had kids, he passed the tradition on to us. He used to take us out on the boat every summer to ski, tube, swim, relax, and just enjoy being surrounded by the element that makes up so much of our own bodies. He used to say, quoting Jimmy Buffett, that he was a pirate born 200 years too late. If he could have, I believe he would have made his profession on the water. But, as it was, he was his own sort of pirate...a truck driver that sailed the highways instead of the sea.

To honor my father the best way I knew how, I kayaked into a special place where he would have loved, paddled around a bit to take in the early morning surroundings and be at quiet peace with my father's spirit.  Then, I quietly played my father's favorite song, Son of a Son of a Sailor, on my phone and spread his ashes, making him one with the water that he felt he belonged to.  It was a deeply sad moment for me, but I also had a deep feeling of release, of letting go, of setting my father free.

So, yes, Memorial Day weekend will from now on take on a new meaning for me. Not only will I honor our fallen Veterans, but also I will honor my father. Perhaps I will kayak out to this very special place each year. Perhaps I will play Jimmy Buffett again and just remember him, like I do every day, but feel more close to him floating upon the water he loved so much.

A Pirate Looks at Forty by Jimmy Buffett

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call

Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall

You've seen it all, you've seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam

And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen

Most of them dream, most of them dream.

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late

The cannons don't thunder, there's nothing to plunder

I'm an over-forty victim of fate

Arriving too late, arriving too late.

I've done a bit of smuggling, I've run my share of grass

I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast

Never meant to last, never meant to last.

And I have been drunk now for over two weeks

I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks

But I got stop wishing, got to go fishing, down to rock bottom again

Just a few friends, just a few friends.

I go for younger women, lived with several a while

Though I ran them away, they'd come back one day

Still could manage to smile

Just takes a while, just takes a while.

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found

My occupational hazard being my occupation's just not around

I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown.

The Mask

Although I know it's unfair, I reveal myself one mask at a time.

~Stephen Dunn

This is how I feel much of the time dealing with chronic Lyme, as do many other people who deal with chronic illness on a daily basis.  This is dedicated to all of those people out there dealing with pain  and illness but who still put on a smiling face to greet the world every single day.

Well, I am so excited to announce that it is official...I will be homeschooling the twins next year!  I have sent in my paperwork; I have ordered, received, and reviewed the curriculum; we have discussed it (for many many months) as a family and we feel this is the best course of action for us. It opens up a world full of possibilities for us and it will be fun, exciting, trying, exhausting, and well worth every minute that I get to spend with them.  I won't go into the very personal reasons we have decided go in this direction, but I will say it has nothing to do with the wonderful teachers my kids have had this year.  They have been supportive and wonderful with them, but I feel the best direction for us is homeschooling...at least through the elementary years.  So, let the adventure begin!

Soooo excited (mixed with a little worry too...)!  xo

The Information Age

"The stone age was marked by man's clever use of crude tools; the information age, to date, has been marked by man's crude use of clever tools."

~Anonymous

As I was reading the memoir If You Find This Letter, I began thinking about my teenagers when I came to the following passage referring to receiving and sending hand written letters in the mail:

"Your generation is never going to have that," the professor said to us, scanning the room.  I remember her saying that more than anything else. 

Her words fell flat into a room full of millennials who were texting their friends beneath their desks. It wasn't a question.  It was a statement.  She was right.  It was nearly impossible to even think of sitting down and writing someone a letter.  It was incredibly intimidating to think of what I would say to someone without the filter of a 140-character limit.  But I never thought it meant we actually would miss something.

If You Find This Letter
page 96

 It made me sad to think that my kids will never experience the romanticism of sitting down and writing a letter, thinking about a person with each swoop of the pen, all the way through from the first well formed letter to the last period.  They will probably never know the satisfaction one feels pouring out your heart, your worries, your fears, your joys onto a piece of paper that you then send to a loved one who will hold that same piece of paper in their hands and hear your voice as they read and reread the letter over again.  

Unless, of course, I teach them that pleasure.  I wonder if it is too late to instill in them the importance of intimate communication instead of the type of communication that only requires 140 forty characters or less and pre-made emoticons?  Truly, think about how limiting that is...that teens now days are communicating with a given set of limited emoticons instead of using their minds to formulate words to convey meaning of an infinite amount of emotions.  Sad, limiting, and worrisome. 

I think I might just start a letter writing campaign myself, but instead of strangers, I will write my thoughts and feelings out on beautiful stationary to my children.  I want to leave a legacy for them, not just texts and emails that can be easily deleted.  I will start by rewriting my letter to my son that I have on the blog, but instead write it in my own handwriting on gorgeous stationary.  I think there is a connection one can feel to another by seeing the intricacies of their handwriting scratched onto a piece of stationary that can not be achieved by the typed word on a screen.

So, there it is.  Love letters to my children...a new tradition I plan on starting immediately.  I want them to feel my love as they hold the letter in their hands the same way I feel connected to my ancestors as I hold and read letters they have written to members of my family in a era long passed. There is so much that is great about the information age, but nothing can replace a handwritten love letter.

Have a wonderful day.

A Letter to My Son on the Occasion of His 18th Birthday

*Images were taken by Dawn Bayer

My Dearest Son,

How does a mother express the amazement of watching her first born grow over the course of 18 years into a young man the caliber of which I could never have even dared dream?  I wish I were a poet and could capture with words the pride and joy that you have brought me all these years.  I remember holding you that first day 18 years ago and thinking about what type of person you would grow into and finding that I could not even imagine you past kindergarten.  It seemed as if it would be a lifetime before I would have to consider our relationship as two adults rather than a mother and child.  And yet, here I am, seemingly overnight, considering this on your 18th birthday.  It truly is mind blowing.

Your birthdays have always been a special occasion, however, this one is hitting me in a way that I did not expect.  I am rather emotional today as I realize that you are now considered, in the eyes of the law, an adult and that soon you will be spreading your wings and soaring in your own independent life, not needing me in the same capacity as your mom.  How do I let go after all these years of holding you so close, guiding you, and protecting you from the world?  I don't have that answer just yet and I will ask for your grace and patience as I figure out how to push you into the world and yet still steer you through life's rough patches.

Dad, all three of your siblings, your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and I are so very proud of you. You have a sensitive, caring heart paired with a good sense of right and wrong which will take you far in this world.  You are smart, you have a good work ethic, and you strive for responsibility and independence.  What amazing qualities to have in a son, brother, grandson, and nephew.  You've made it through some tough teen years making sound life decisions aided by your strong sense of self.  I know you will continue your journey confidently, making you a successful, loving man who has a lot to share with the world.

I am excited to watch your journey and to continue to cheer you on, support your dreams, and love you as only a parent can.  Happy Birthday, Son.  You and your brother and sisters are my greatest gift, my ultimate prize, my heart.  I love you dearly...have a wonderful birthday!

Love,
Mom

On Blessings and Hope

As I was driving from to and from a doctor's appointment yesterday, I started thinking about all the blessings in my life right now.  It just seems like things go in cycles, does it not?  A period of good things and a period of rough patches and then back into the good times again.  As much as the painful times hurt, it does give us a great perspective from which to appreciate the good times, I suppose.

So...it got me thinking about the many blessings in my life.  This week I was contacted by a major magazine publisher's art department about using one of my images in a future article.  Considering this is on my career bucket-list, to be published in a magazine, I was over the moon, of course.  The contract has been signed, so now I am just waiting for the issue to be published!  When it comes out, I will give more information.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to drop in to visit friends/colleagues who just got engaged!  So fun to celebrate happy times with those you care about.  They make such a great couple and I am thrilled they are taking this step to combine their families.  While I was at their office, I also connected with another friend/colleague I haven't had a chance to see in a while and it was good to reconnect with her.  So great to walk into a place that is filled with good energy and love.  I left there feeling invigorated.

I also got wonderful news at the ENT's office...while I have slight hearing damage in my left ear, it is minimal and it does not affect my ability to understand speech.  I was worried that I may have significant loss in that ear and it was great news to hear that was not the case.

Another blessing this week...the little kitten that showed up in our garage about a month ago is now spayed and microchipped.  After suffering through a week of her being in heat, this is a blessing!  A cat in heat is NOT fun!  LOL.  She went through surgery just fine and now she is recovering quietly (or not so quietly) at home.  She brings much joy to my life...I've never seen a cat more cuddly or loving than this little cutie.  Maybe I will put a picture of her up soon on my Facebook page (see my Social tab for a link).  She has come to us at a wonderful time considering we lost all three of our cats in the last year.  Dusty, our 10 year old barn cat, just died about 10 days ago...so she is a very welcome addition to our home.

As I walked into the library the other day, an unbearably cold, windy day, I noticed this left over bird's nest from last summer.  I thought it was beautiful, the way the birds incorporated sticks and string and trash into their creation...mixed media artists in their own right, lol.  But more than that, I thought about what a symbol of hope it was...the promise of warmer days soon to come and the return of the migratory birds back to Maryland.  These symbols of joy and hope surround us all the time, we just have to lift our eyes and look for them.

Have a beautiful day...

Tell Me Lies

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

This is my latest digital collage piece in my series that is inspired by music.  The song that I took inspiration from was Fleetwood Mac Little Lies.  There were about 20 different layers in this piece and I incorporated something very personal into it...my 2x great grandfather's death certificate. 

As I conducted genealogical research into my family, I discovered my maternal grandfather's side had quite a sketchy past.  One of the family mysteries surrounds the death of my great-great grandfather, whose death certificate states he died of a gunshot wound to the head.  Family lore indicates that he was sleeping at the time of the murder, but there hasn't been any additional information available as to who killed him or why.  I have researchers trying to locate any court documents, newspapers articles, or obituaries that may give additional insight into the details surrounding his murder.  So far, the well is dry and we haven't located a single thing to explain his death.  The mystery continues...

As I reflect on this collage, I have to admit it reminds me of past toxic "friendships" I have had and how grateful I am to shed those from my life.  I no longer have to listen to and carry the weight of constant negativity and lies around with me.  You know the type...constantly complaining, never happy, always think they are entitled to something, not taking responsibility for actions and blames everyone else and the world around them for all their difficulties.  Yeah, gets really wearing.  Such a relief to have supportive, non-jealous friends who celebrate your victories along with you instead of pulling you down!  Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who lift me up on a daily basis!

Speaking of family, I am currently visiting my wonderful mother in Lynchburg, Virginia.  I traveled down for the week with my aunt to visit and bring some joy to my mother.  I have truly enjoyed this time with them, laughing, telling old stories, playing cards, shopping, and just being together.  I dislike living 5 hours away from her and it is a blessing when I get to spend quality time with her.  It sure is cold here in the mountains...hoping you all can find a warm snug place to hunker down until spring sets in.  For me, that can't be soon enough!   Brrrrr!

The Random Encounter That Wasn't

Maryland Song Sparrow

Yesterday started out horribly.  It was one of those days where you really wished you had a re-do button.  You know the kind of day...as soon as your feet hit the ground from bed in the morning Murphy's Law kicks in, the kids get riled up and make bad choices, nothing goes right.  Heck, it even seems like the pets got in on the act and were not themselves.  I was grumpy, the kids were grumpy, the whole world just seemed off kilter.  Running errands with the kids, who were home from school due to ice, was the last thing I felt like doing, but it had to be tackled...so off we went.

*pause in my story for a not-so-random-thought*

It is interesting and fascinating to me how God knows me so clearly and knows what I need and when I need it even when I don't know myself.  His timing is always perfect and as I am getting older and since my illness, I have settled in to giving my will over to His and trusting that He has a plan for me and my life, even if I can't see it.  This giving control over to my Creator has not been an easy process for me as I am/was a control freak in every aspect of my life.  But that is a post for another day.

Back to yesterday...as I was grocery shopping with the kids yesterday, still seething with anger at them for grossly misbehaving earlier that morning,  a pop song came on over the store's sound system.  To keep my 7 year old twins occupied during our long shopping trip, my 15 year old daughter began to sing quietly and dance not-so-quietly to the beat.  I love how my teen daughter is so sure of herself and uninhibited even at this very awkward time of life.  Anyway, the twins saw her and joined in joyfully dancing along the aisles and smiling their fool heads off.  Their mood changed immediately and the air seemed to lighten all around me.  Soon I joined in and danced along pushing the cart and I am sure all 4 of us looked like fools acting like we had some semblance of rhythm.

As we came around the corner of the aisle, a woman walked by and caught us dancing.  She smiled a huge welcoming smile and said, "Well, aren't you all just having fun?"  It caught me off guard because not 30 seconds before, we were all grumpy and miserable.  It was true, though, in that moment yes, we were all having fun!

Later, we were at the self check out, I was scanning the groceries, my oldest daughter was bagging, and the twins were being quiet and good watching the packages cruise down the conveyer belt.  I was engrossed in my job of scanning when I heard from the next aisle over a woman's voice.   It was not the woman who had commented on our dancing earlier, it was someone different.

"Excuse me, Ma'am?"
"Yes?" I replied.
"I just wanted to tell you that you have an absolutely beautiful family."

Wow.
Just wow.
Her words hit me hard.
I realized that my anger from the morning had ruined my whole day up until that point and in that very second, her words brought me back to what is really important...my family and how beautiful they are.  Yes, the kids misbehave.  Yes, they make bad choices.  Yes, I get angry.  But through it all they are beautiful and I am so blessed to have 4 amazing children.

"Well, thank you!" I replied.  I smiled.  "I really needed to hear that today."
"I know." she stated.  Then she smiled, grabbed her groceries and left the store.

Huh, I thought.  That was a random encounter.  How did she know I needed to hear that today?

Perhaps it wasn't a random encounter after all.  Perhaps both the woman who said we looked happy and this woman were not coincidences.  Perhaps God knew I needed to refocus my brain and get rid of my anger and had sent them to me for just that purpose...to dissipate my anger and refocus on the beauty that was right there before me.

Thank you, God, for knowing me so well and knowing what I need before I do.  You truly are amazing.