Tuesday, June 17, 2014


I'm not sure why, but it feels wrong to be blogging.
Blogging is such a normal activity for me and
my life isn't normal anymore.
Blogging feels like it was ok BEFORE
but not AFTER.
My world is now divided up into the BEFORE,
when I had both parents on this earth,
and AFTER,
the moment when I lost my dad and everything changed.
Life goes on and doesn't even pause...
it's so strange.
I wanted the whole world to just STOP,
but it doesn't.
The clocks still keep ticking, to my dismay.
Every click of the second hand brings sadness and grief.

Normal everyday things just aren't the same.
I find myself in a store, greeted by a cashier,
"Hello, how are you today?" she says.
I want to say,
"Really?  It sucks...don't you know my father died and I feel
like I will never breathe again?"
But of course she doesn't know,
and I don't say that. 
Instead, I just smile and say "Fine, and you?"
even though that is a lie...I am not fine,
 and I could care less how she is.

Despite the horrible lump that now permanently resides in my throat
and the 50 pound weight that sits on my chest with every breath,
I am still forcing myself to find things to be grateful for.
Today, I am grateful for all the friends and family
who either called, sent Facebook messages, texted,
sent cards, or showed up at my Dad's service to express
their condolences and send stories of love 
about my father.
You are all a blessing to me and my family.
I could not possibly answer each message individually,
so if you sent one, please know that I have gotten it 
and I have taken your words to heart...
thank you.

I haven't picked up a camera since BEFORE.
I know I will have to and I know my father would want me to,
but again...it just doesn't feel right.
The camera feels too heavy in my hands.

Hug a loved one today for me.
Time is all too short.

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