Duplicity- Creating Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

Digital Art by Maryland Artist Tracey Grumbach

We are only falsehood, duplicity, contradiction; 

we both conceal and disguise ourselves from ourselves. 

-Blaise Pascal

I've been having trouble sleeping. Today marks 8 days I have been in Florida. Sleeping in a hotel room doesn't help with all the strange city noises and the sounds of other people coming and going from their rooms. My husband and the twins left on Friday night, so I've been sleeping alone in a strange hotel bed.  The sheets aren't my sheets and the pillows are not my pillows. I am sadly anticipating having to leave my oldest daughter, Brenna, here in Florida when I return to Maryland on Wednesday, which doesn't help produce a feeling of sleepy contentment. I'm out of my regular eating habits and daily routine, which throws off my sleep as well. 

The zombie-like insomniac state I have been hovering around in has inspired a mood to create. However, I've been struggling with that as well.  Nothing I have created recently feels quite right. Nothing is quite good enough. I can't seem to get to the point with a piece where I feel it is finished. This piece, Duplicity, I have been trying to rework for days. I kept trying to add elements to it and it felt fake, overworked, and disingenuine.  Finally, I didn't touch it all day yesterday until last night right before bed. I opened the file and I finally knew that I needed to revert back to a simpler version, this version, of the piece. It was there all along and I kept trying to force more out of it. I ended up loving it and am slightly angry for wasting so much time trying to add more to a piece that didn't need more. Sometimes we just need to let things be...to allow them to exist in a space of simplicity. Sometimes we need to stop trying so hard.

I will take that lesson to heart and stop trying so hard to be stoic about cutting the apron strings with my daughter. She is struggling a bit emotionally since her father returned to Maryland and it is difficult to watch my child suffer. She is doing great, but there is an underlying sadness about her that just isn't "her." I need to stop wanting or trying to erase the pain of separation from her and for her. I need to let it exist as it is...in space of simplicity so we can all feel it and move on. I will stop trying to make it into something it is not and I will stop pretending the sadness isn't lurking around the next corner. That is my commitment to her and to myself.

Today is Brenna's first day of mandatory orientation. She will get a parking pass, her student ID, her first month's schedule, etc. I am excited for her because I can remember clearly my own first day at Towson University and all the excitement that caused. Today is also parent orientation, which is part of the reason I had to extend my stay here in Florida.  I'm looking forward to our day and meeting up with Brenna afterward to compare our notes and compare orientations.

Hey, y'all...be safe out there today with the Great American Solar Eclipse. I am looking forward to seeing its effects and watching it on television as I haven't purchased safety glasses to see it directly. I am a bit sad about that, that I can't look directly at it, but better safe than sorry. Enjoy this special experience...are you planning anything special for today? A viewing party, perhaps?

See you here tomorrow...

xo