On Freemont Street

This is a digital painting from when I was in Las Vegas back in October. On the last full night I was there, I went to see what Freemont Street was all about. Unfortunately, I was exhausted and not feeling well at this point in the trip, so I didn't fully appreciate the experience since it was unbearably loud with flashing lights and mobs of people. Crazy people at that. I think if I were in a different state of mind I totally would have been into it, but at that moment it all was so overwhelming to me. I did, however, want to capture the essence of what it was like being there. Mobs of people stopped in their tracks, heads thrown back staring up at a flashing screen that spanned for several city blocks. I've never seen anything quite like it before. It was cool to see in person the many iconic places that Vegas is known for, such as the Golden Goose, in this one spot. After a brief stay I headed back to the hotel to rest and get ready to leave the next day.

If you ever have the chance to get to Vegas, I do suggest you check it out. If I had been up to it, I would have done the zip-line that takes you several city blocks across the canopy of the street. Quite cool. Hoping you all have a wonderful weekend! TGIF!

Don't forget...the opening reception for the winter show at Arts By the Bay gallery is tonight from 7-9PM.  Hoping some of you are able to get out there to see the 5 pieces I have hanging!  Hugs!

xo

Waiting for the Wave

Taken in Rodanthe, Outer Banks, North Carolina.

Have a wonderful weekend, y'all.  Mine is kinda crazy, so I will see you on the flip side!  xo

Red Rock Canyon, Nevada

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread,

places to play in and pray in where nature

may heal and give strength to body and soul.

~John Muir

If you don't die of thirst, there are blessings in the desert.

You can be pulled into limitlessness, which we all yearn for,

or you can do the beauty of minutiae, the scrimshaw of tiny and precise.

The sky is your ocean, and the crystal silence will uplift you

like great gospel music or Neil Young.

~Anne Lamott

I had to live in the desert before I could understand 

the full value of grass in a green ditch.

~Ella Maillart

I'd had no particular interest in the Southwest at all 

as a young girl, and I was completely surprised 

that the desert stole my heart to the extent that it did.

~Terri Windling

One Way

Along the access road at Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas, Nevada

Lately it seems as if my fight against Lyme and co-infections is going one way...the wrong way. It started about three months ago when all of the sudden my high of feeling the best I felt in years did a brisk turn for the worse. Since then I have been heading downhill, regaining many of the debilitating symptoms that plagued me early in my diagnosis.  No one but my closest friends and family really knew this as I don't usually talk about it publicly. I plaster a happy face on and try the best I can to live as close to a normal life as possible while behind closed doors I cry and struggle to dress myself, wash my own hair, or drive due to the level of pain I deal with on a daily basis.

Then came the trip to Vegas. I knew I wasn't feeling my best, and against my better judgement, I really pushed myself and ended up in the hotel room bed, sick for the last two days I was there. I was completely incapacitated and almost couldn't make the flight back to Baltimore. Not the smartest move ever.

In the two weeks I've been back I've seen my doctor yet again and have again changed up my treatment plan. Our options are getting thin, kind of like the Raven's depth chart (had to throw in a bit of football humor in there) because I have not responded to many of the treatments and I am allergic to many antibiotics. We've almost run the gamut of choices as far as treatment options goes. So, hopefully this combination of herbals, supplements, and medications will be up to the task of making me better. 

Nearing Red Rock Canyon during our tour in these three wheeled scooters

In the meantime, I've had some genetic testing done and the results were depressing. It turns out my treatment is even more complicated because I have a homogeneous (double mutation...one from my father and one from my mother) MTHFR A1298C gene mutation which basically means (from what I understand so far) that my body can only get rid of toxins at an efficiency rate of 7%-10% of a person who has no gene mutations. Toxins include the dead Lyme and co-infection bacteria, heavy metal exposures, pesticide exposure, pollutant exposure, etc. Since I can not efficiently rid of these things from my body, it continues to build up in my system and make me sicker and sicker. It can also increase levels of inflammation in the body, and decrease mineral absorption, both of which is NOT helpful in my recovery. There is more scientific mumbo jumbo to it that is over my head right now, but so far that is what I am understanding.  So....this mutation could very well be another roadblock to my full recovery. If you are fascinated by this, feel free to read more here. The good news is my doctor is aware and on-board with researching what this means to better my treatment. He is smart and caring and knows exactly what I am going through which is more than I can say for every doctor I had seen for the two and a half years prior to getting diagnosed.

That is not the only gene where I have a double mutation, I found out to my dismay, but I have no idea yet what the implications are for those specific genes. Now I am worried that I passed down the mutations to my children and wonder what the health implications may be for them in the future.

And to kick me while I am down, I received a letter from my insurance company stating that they will no longer cover the ONE prescription drug I take simply because I take it in a much lower dosage than the "normal" dosage and therefore order it from a compounding pharmacy. I only take ONE pharmaceutical medication (the rest I take are herbals or supplements) and they refuse to cover it. Unbelieveable.  Then what good is all of the thousands of dollars my husband pays into our coverage?  They pay for NOTHING related to my Lyme treatment.  Not.  One.  Red.  Hot.  Cent.

So, the bottom line is I have not been around as much as I'd like to.  Exhaustion, pain, and a downright pissy mood has kept me isolated and hiding for much of the past week.

I will take this opportunity to thank everyone who called, texted, emailed, visited, messaged, or wrote on my private Facebook wall checking in on me.  Your concern, your encouragement, and your love are very much appreciated.  And while I couldn't possibly personally respond to so many of you individually, I hope you know that my heart swells with your prayers and love and you are heard and appreciated beyond measure. Some days I can't even summons a voice for fear of breaking down into a hysterical sob so I just don't talk at all (Elizabeth!).  Just know even if I don't call or respond, it is not out of lack of friendship, it is a lack of ability to form a voice through the tears.

I won't promise updates at this point...I just don't know when I will feel myself again, so I will post when I have energy for it.  In the meantime, I am sending my love and well wishes to all of you!  Hoping fall is being kind to you and I hope to be back up and running again soon.  xo

Juxtaposition

Trust Jesus

Life is full of contradictions. Opposites. Yin and Yang. Juxtaposition.

During my recent trip to Las Vegas, Nevada this was so apparent not only on the streets, but also in my own life. Here I was, on a vacation of a lifetime, happy and carefree...no worries or responsibilities and on my phone's voicemail was a message waiting for me that would rock my world and yet again change my perspective on just how fragile life really is. While standing in the middle of a lavish resort on my first day of vacation in a place where anything and everything is possible, I heard the devastating news that one of my closest friend's husband passed away suddenly. It stopped me in my tracks. He had just turned a young 50 and he was gone. Just.  Like.  That.  All of the emotions of being away and carefree suddenly crashed and collided with the realization that my friend was now a widow. YinYangOppositesPullPushUpDownLeftRight.  My world was spinning.

This one singular image really wraps up life, does it not? This single frozen moment in time truly gives us a code for living...on one side we have the man who is telling us to "Trust Jesus," and on the other side are the Vegas girls who are telling us to "Live it up!" Life is short and unexpected, so while we need to live a Jesus-like existence, we also need to make sure we are seizing all the opportunities life provides us. Live as if it were your last day. Be kind. Love your family out loud. Kiss your kids. Take risks. Enjoy every day.

My entire vacation I was continuously met with these polar opposite emotions, sights, and experiences. I would be in awe of the amazing scenery when all of a sudden it would smack me in the face that my friend was learning to live without the love of her life. HIGHlow. Young wholesome Chinese school girls in uniforms walking down Freemont Street with topless girls standing right next to them. InnocentDevilish. Homeless men smoking expensive cigarettes holding signs begging for food while sitting right next to their dog feeding him treats. HungryFull. Crowds cheering at the craps table celebrating a win while the next table over the Blackjack gambler hung his head in defeat. WinLose. It truly was a bizarre experience moving through this vacation trying to enjoy myself all the while knowing my friend and her children were suffering terribly at home.

Life sucks and yet is beautiful in the same moment. I bet if you really thought about it all day you would see the contradictions that play out before us at any given moment.

Please pray for my friend and her family. I know they could use some comfort during this very difficult time.

Sunset Over the Sound

ISO-50; Exposure-13 seconds; f/22

Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.

Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds


This one moment on my vacation, the sun setting over the sound in Rodanthe, North Carolina, stole my breath away and renewed my faith in one instant. It was so powerful to see God's beauty painted across the sky and reflected in the water that I almost forgot to release the shutter to record the magnificence. We all know how quickly these moments pass...the sun is there one second and gone the next.

I hope your day was amazing.  xo

Coming Back to Reality

Sights from the Outer Banks, North Carolina
Left: Hattaras Lighthouse Top Right: Sunset across the Sound
Middle Right: Ocracoke Preservation Society Museum
Bottom Right: Ocracoke Island Lighthouse

For the last week I have enjoyed the sights, sounds, and atmosphere of the Outer Banks, North Carolina. It was a difficult trip in some ways and a delightful one in most ways. It didn't start off so well...my teenage son and daughter were following us in our pick-up truck because we were bringing along our kayaks other other outdoor equipment that just couldn't fit in the Suburban along with our luggage and food. Somewhere along Interstate 95 in Virginia, he was involved in an accident where a a driver lost control (possibly fell asleep?), slammed into the back of the car behind my son, which caused that driver to swerve off the road onto the shoulder and when she corrected and swerved back onto the road, she slammed into the rear/side of our truck. It is a horrible feeling when you look behind you and see your kids pulling off the road because they have been involved in an accident.

Thank God, my kids were perfectly fine (thanks to my son's head's up driving and the stoutness of our farm truck) the damage to the Ford F150 was minimal and was still drivable to continue on our trip. The other two vehicles in the crash were both towed with massive damage, but thankfully all the occupants involved were not seriously injured. About 90 minutes later we were on our way again, adrenaline pumping, but everyone safe and sound. The Virginia state police, the paramedics, and the firemen that all came to the scene were friendly and amazing. They gave all of us water (it was HOT standing on 95 in the blazing sun!), checked on us all (including everyone in my vehicle that wasn't even involved in the crash), and chatted with us, giving us travel tips and shortcuts to our destination. These professionals are so underappreciated now days and I just wanted to be sure to send a shout out to all the first responders out there that serve our communities!

Arriving at our final destination 11 hours later, we were thrilled with our rented home in Rodanthe, NC. What a beautiful place. Our week was filled with relaxing and exploring as well as a bit of education for the kids. I will write more about our trip later...for now, it is all about trying to get back to reality, unpacking, planning homeschool for the coming week, and preparing to get my business back on track after vacation (scheduling time for my co-op gallery, selecting and printing pieces for my solo show in October, invoicing for real estate photos, etc.). Oh, and laundry too...the gosh darn laundry!  :)

Hope you are having a wonderful Sunday.  <3

Mind Full Ness

Mind Full Ness

As I am typing I am sitting on the top deck of our vacation rental listening to the sound of crashing waves directly in front of me. The view is breathtaking and the salty air on my skin and lips is dewy and feels fresh instead of heavy. There aren't many gulls around so the sound of birds is minimal but the laughter and screeching of children is plentiful. The smell of the ocean, you know that distinct smell, don't you; mixes occasionally with a whiff of pungent bait fish blowing over in the breeze from the fishing pier just beyond the deck to my far left. The fishermen/women are not catching much this morning. The fish seem to be winning.

The tide is high, the sandpipers are running from the advancing waterline as each wave moves onto shore, searching the air holes created by the ghost crabs for their next meal. Sandcastles that were built at an earlier time are now slowly being eaten by the hungry waves. Surfers wait just beyond the breaking point waiting for the perfect wave to carry them to shore. A few are solo, but many swarm in groups, just watching and waiting. The athletic types are jogging with their dogs, earphones plugged into their ears, rhythmically making their way down the shoreline. I often wonder where they go...some I see on his/her return trip back to where he/she started, but others I never see again...where do they go?

I look inward to my own body...I feel relaxed, heart rhythm steady and slow, but I fell a tightness in my chest. I noticed an increase in Lyme/Bartonella related air hunger this morning when I woke and climbed the stairs to the top level of the home. Perhaps the humid air makes it more difficult for air exchange. Either way, the result is a restriction in my lungs that is noticeable. The light from the hot sun is making me squint at the computer screen as my fingers fly across the keyboard. Sunglasses are in order, but then the polarization blacks out the screen and I can't see what I am typing. I'll get up and get them when I'm finished. Besides my lungs, everything else including my muscles feel soft and relaxed, no sign of tension hiding in my shoulders or neck. It's so nice to be relaxed and not worrying about all the things that need to be accomplished in the next few weeks.

Dang.  Now that I typed that, all I can think about is the list looming large for me when I get home. It is all good things, but not what I want to think about while on vacation. I've acknowledged the tightness in my stomach caused by that thought and have released it. Plenty of time later to worry about all of that. For now, back to my mindfulness of the being here and present in this moment. I'm signing off for now, going to take a few minutes while my children are occupied, to close my eyes and pay attention to my breathing, the rhythm of my own body. Meditation. Mindfulness. Thankfulness. Thank you, God, for this beautiful day. May all of you have beauty in your day. Seek it and you will find it.

xo

The Expedition- Digital Collage Painting

It pays off to get out of you comfort zone every once in a while.  I've never been a fan of crowds and the hustle and bustle of a city, so the king of all cities, The Big Apple, sends fear into my heart at the mere mention of going there.  So, of course, my teen daughter, who is into television production, live theatre, movies, and all things LA, New York, and Hollywood, choose to go to New York City for her 16th birthday trip.  In lieu of a sweet 16 party, both of my teens opted for going on a trip instead. So, off to NYC we went on Sunday via the train.

We stayed in Times Square and did all things television and theater.  Our first morning there we made it to the front row of the Today Show Plaza and actually were spotted on television for a brief wave to the public.  But the cool part was actually watching how the whole production went down. So many people are involved behind the scenes and the anchors or "talent" as they are called, are pretty clueless about the segments coming up other than a quick briefing right before the segment is about to happen.  The tele-prompters keep them on track with the content and the producer behind the camera keeps them on track with time (soooo funny to watch them get upset when the anchors aren't wrapping it up). Basically, the anchors get paid a LOT of money for reading, smiling, and looking pretty.  Which, they all are, actually...we had a chance to shake Al Roker's hand (boy is he much tinier than I imagined!), and Tamron Hall's hand (she actually had a conversation with my daughter about her birthday and said she was a queen!)  We were greeted in general by Willie Geist, Natalie Morales, and Savannah Guthrie when they waved to the crowd in between segments.  Apparently Matt Lauer was on vacation this week, so we didn't see him (which was fine...I think he is my least favorite of the bunch).  Besides having to stand for 2.5-3 hours, it was a fantastic experience to watch it all behind the scenes.  Check in with Nine Acres Designs on Facebook later today for some screen shots of the broadcast of us on the Today Show (and maybe some other shots from the Today show).

It was a great morning and then afterward we took my daughter to Central Park since she has never been there before.  We walked around in the beautiful weather (80's with almost no humidity) enjoying the sights and sounds.  It really is amazing to see what the natural landscape of the area looked like before they bulldozed it all over to build the city.  A quick rest in the hotel geared us up for dinner at Planet Hollywood where my daughter was overjoyed to see some of the costumes from one of her favorite  movies...The Hunger Games.  After dinner we went to a great Broadway show called 39 Steps...an amazing and hilarious adaptation of a Hitchcock movie.  There were only 4 actors in the entire show that played 101 roles!  Truly amazing.

Riding in New York taxis is a must for any first timer to the city, just for the experience, so we did that several times for my daughter, but honestly, it is pure torture for me filled with anxiety and fear! I thought driving with my teens was terrifying...um, no.  For someone who hates not being in control, the back seat of a NYC taxi is not the place to be!

So glad to be safe and sound home in my rural comfort zone, but so happy to have gone with my dear daughter to experience some of her life's firsts with her!  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Ancient Urges

A view of the dunes looking toward the sea along Barefoot Beach, Florida

Every time we walk along a beach some ancient urge disturbs us so that we find ourselves shedding shoes and garments or scavenging among seaweed and whitened timbers like the homesick refugees of a long war.

~Loren Eiseley

I never was much of a beach person growing up.  I didn't like the sand in my suit, or the harsh waves and undertow.  I didn't like being so dang hot.  I didn't like the greenish, murky water of the Mid-Atlantic where there were sea creatures lurking beyond my sight.  I am allergic to jellyfish stings, so nothing about dying by anaphylactic shock sounded like vacation to me.  The seashore just didn't hold any sort of appeal.

One of the many things that has changed since I became sick and was eventually diagnosed with Late Disseminated Lyme Disease is the fact that one of my most favorite places in the world now is, in fact, the beach.  Strange how things like this happen.  Something that held no mystery for me previously nows captures my attention and wanting like nothing else.  Where once I hated being hot, I now yearn for the warmth that takes away the constant cold ache in my bones.  Where once I hated the sand, I now appreciate the softness it offers to my body as I lie on my beach towel, it forming to the contours of my body and supporting me like a snug bed.  Where I once hated the green murky waters of the Mid-Atlantic, I have found my calling in the serene glass-like warm turquoise waters of the Gulf of Mexico.  I find myself longing, in a very primal sense, to return to the sea, the salt water, the sounds, smells, and sensations of the beach.

The sea feels like healing, a soothing balm to my sore, tired body, and a medication for my busy, overwhelmed mind.  When I meditate, I find myself in my mind's eye, alone on a pristine white beach with turquoise water gently lapping on shore, seabirds calling in the distance, a warm yellow beam of light filling me all the way into each cell of my body.  It is my go-to comfort spot in my mind when things are just too much.

Many times I am thankful that I have to walk through this journey of chronic illness because it has changed me on such a deep level for the better.  My view of the world and my everyday life is so much sweeter...I appreciate things so much more.  My view of the sea is one of these things that has changed, and I am happier for it.  Now, if only I could move closer to the Gulf... ;)

It's good to be back blogging and sharing my experiences with you.  I hope you had a blessed week while I was away.  I know I missed all of you.

xo

Sunset Beach

It Is Good to be Alive!

Sunset Beach
 Cape May, NJ

Aren't you glad there are days like the one pictured here

where the power of the ocean,

the beauty of the sky,

the warmth of the sun, and 

the pleasure of the company refills your spirit's fuel tank?

All the bad news on the television,

all the mean, nasty people,

all the difficult situations one might be facing in life

melt away into a puddle,

putting one's problems into perspective...

shrinking them so that they don't seem so gigantic.

It is a good thing the world is so, so big

and at times we can feel so, so small...

because truly, there are only a few things that matter 

and the rest is just the rest.

xo

Mother Daughter Love

Cape May Point State Park

Get in the Picture, Mothers!

Cape May Lighthouse

Fear is the single most powerful negative force in my life.

I have always had strange, strong fears all my life,

and sometime last year I decided that I was tired of being limited by

my own mind and the fear that lived there.

One of my fears from the past is heights.

There were many things I didn't do and places I didn't go 

because I was afraid of how high it is.

I did go and get some EMDR therapy for PTSD

and in the process of that therapy, I have released many of my fears.

That is not to say that I now LOVE the things that used to scare me.

On the contrary, I still do not like heights.

I feel dizzy and vertigo when I am in a high place

(even the second story of a mall)

and I still feel nervous.

But where that fear used to paralyze me and stop me from doing things,

I now face it head on and do things that I never would have considered doing

prior to this therapy.

When my fearless daughter and I were in Cape May,

she wanted to climb to the top of this 157 foot lighthouse

and while I would rather NOT have gone up there,

I also didn't want to miss out on the experience, views, and most of all

the adventure with my daughter, 

so I said, "Sure, let's go."

(...in a weak, pitiful, not-at-all-sure voice.)

It was not easy for me, but I didn't let the rising panic

set in and conquer me.

I did need her help and cooperation to make it to the top, though.

I couldn't look up or I would get dizzy...

I couldn't look down or I would get dizzy,

so I had her go in front of me and I just stared straight ahead

at the small of her back and gripped both handrails tightly.

And one step at a time,

199 spiral steps later, 

we reached the top.

She even convinced me to step out into the open air 

(surrounded by a open metal cage)

to get the best views uninhibited by windows.

The sea air rushed to our faces and took my breath away

and I almost didn't go.

But she turned to me, offered me her hand and said,

"You can do it, Mom."

And I did.

Because of her.

It's funny how sometimes as parents we think we are saving our kids

and teaching them about life but more often than not,

I find myself inspired by, learning from, and receiving encouragement from them.

So thankful for this special experience with my daughter.

She may have seen it just as climbing 199 stairs

but I will always see it as the day my daughter led me to places I wouldn't have gone without her.

xo

This Side of Forever

Geckos

Lucky Ducks

Vintage Beauty

Thankful that despite all the ugliness in the world

and despite ongoing personal tragedies, 

I can still see and appreciate the beautiful things

that God, the Great Spirit, has put in my life.

I had another reminder yesterday that life is way too short

to take anything for granted.

Our dearly loved horse, our sweet, loving, gentle stallion Clydesdale

died suddenly last night.

Despite a desperate attempt to save him, 

it sadly was his time to go.

After the loss of my father and now of our beloved pet,

my family is stinging badly.

It has been a summer of loss,

but also at the same time a summer of discovery with bits of

joy, peace, love, and good memories sprinkled in.

It is the valleys that remind us how sweet the mountain tops are

and so I am thankful for the rainy days as well as the sunny ones.

One foot in front of the other,

chin high,

heart open,

and mind at peace knowing 

life is a cycle and I will see my loved ones on the other side one day.

In the meantime, I will fiercely cling to and love 

my friends and family

on this side of forever.

xo

Visions of Cape May

So thankful to have created these beautiful memories 

with my oldest daughter that just the two of us will share for a lifetime.

The time I spent with her can never be replaced...

the best things in life are experiences and quality time with those you love.

xo

Supine Position with Feet Elevated

Today I am thankful for 72 degrees,

a breeze,

and large white clouds.

When is the last time you lied back,

face to the sky and look for shapes and "things"

in the clouds?

I saw an alligator with it's mouth open today.

But then, the wind shifted and it became a lopsided stop sign.

And yes, that is the most exciting, strenuous activity I did today.

Or wait, it may have been lifting my book to read...

not sure.

:)

Either way, I am thrilled my day was spent doing "nothing."

Sometimes nothing is everything.

xo