Hello, New Year 2018

As 2017 passes into 2018, it is a time to reflect and a time to set goals. It has been a wonderful year in so many ways but also a difficult year.  There has been a lot of changes, a lot of "new normals" for all of us, but one thing that hasn't changed is the incredible amount of love of family and friends.

Mill in Darlington

LOOKING BACK-

In August, Brenna, our oldest daughter, moved out into her own apartment (with a roommate) in Florida and began her studies at Full Sail University. She is in an accelerated program and will graduate in 20 months with a Bachelor of Science in Film. So far she has completed 24 credits already and is carrying a 4.0 GPA. She has adjusted to “adulting” quite well and we are very proud of her. It took me weeks and weeks to adjust to the sadness I felt when she left, but through it all I knew my pride in her would eventually overshadow the weight of her leaving. She has made it through her first hurricane, adjusted to living on her own, and is rocking her academic studies.

Just as I was adjusting to Brenna moving out, our oldest son, Tyler, moved out in October. He moved to Exton, Pennsylvania where he is living in his own apartment (with two roommates) and is attending Universal Technical Institute to become an auto mechanic. He will graduate in about 2 years as well and will have 10 certifications under his belt upon completion. He is in his third rotation of classes and is maintaining high scores. He is working at a nearby auto shop and is learning the trade not only in school, but also while earning money. He and his girlfriend, Leah, have been dating almost two years. We are so happy that he has found a career he is excited about and that he is happily settled into his routine.  We could not be more proud of him! I felt another wave of sadness and emptiness when he moved out but as expected, we all adjusted to the new normal of a half empty nest.

Our twins are growing up! They recently turned 10 and are in 4^th grade. They returned to public school this year after homeschooling for two years and both are both doing very well with the transition. Zachary is into sports and played his favorite, baseball, this spring. Then, he played rugby for the first time this summer. He had tons of fun and we enjoyed watching him. He is currently in rec basketball and loves that as well. Natalie found her love this year…singing. She joined Deer Creek Youth Choir back in January and has been active in the program since. She has sung in front of hundreds of people at colleges and churches around the state. Both twins were baptized this year and we couldn’t be prouder. They are amazing kids with unique personalities. It is fun to watch them grow into the young people they are meant to be.

During all of these changes with our children, my husband was doing some transitioning of his own at work. His company went completely independent this summer and continues to grow my leaps and bounds. The growing pains this time around weren't nearly as stressful as in past years and I am thankful for his dedication and hard work every day to support us.

Y'all pretty much know how I've been through the year, but to summarize, I am still in treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease and co-infections although I just received the amazing news I will begin weaning off antibiotics in a few months. This past year I struggled with a jaw infection which I had surgery for and now I discovered I have the same infection on the other side of my jaw which will require surgery again in a few weeks.  I continue to pursue art and was the Featured Artist at Arts By the Bay Gallery in May where I showed approximately 40 pieces of art.  My art was published in two publications this year, one an international art magazine, Somerset Digital Studio, and the other a local magazine, Harford’s Heart. My work was also displayed digitally at the Ruderman Inclusion Summit in Boston, Massachusetts in November. In addition, I have been writing articles about living with Lyme Disease for The Mighty, an online magazine, and have had 4 articles published. In the coming year I look forward to teaching digital art classes! Praise be to God for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am so thankful to Him for each and every thing.

Top 9 images from my Instagram account from 2017

 LOOKING FORWARD-

If you know me then you know I don't set resolutions per se, but I do choose a word to stand for the theme for the upcoming year. This year I am choosing the word "EXPLORE" for my theme. Some goals I want to set in relation to this theme is to explore more places (go places I have

n't been before), explore new ideas (take classes and read books to expand my knowledge in various areas including art) and explore more opportunities (look for new places to be published, new places to show my art, and new outlets to teach classes.). EXPLORE...I am so excited to make a large banner with this word and post it in my studio to remind me throughout the year to step out of my box, get out of my comfort zone, live life more.

Here's to a wonderful 2018!

41/365- The Missing Pole and the Morning Newspaper

Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

“Heaven, such as it is, is right here on earth. Behold: my revelation: I stand at the door in the morning, and lo, there is a newspaper, in sight like unto an emerald. And holy, holy, holy is the coffee, which was, and is, and is to come."

-Sarah Vowell, Take the Cannoli

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Today is a bittersweet day. Tyler, my oldest son, is flying out of the nest and heading out to live in an apartment with some roommates while he attends school at Universal Technical Institute in Exton, PA. While I am so happy for him and am so proud to see him pursue his dreams, it leaves me with a knot in my stomach because I will miss him. He is the silliness in our household. He loves to make us all laugh and he is all the time lifting our moods. In the span of two months, I have watched my two oldest set out on their own and start a new chapter of their lives. After raising these kids for 18 years, guiding them along the way, it is not easy to let them go. The house feels incredibly empty and I am incredibly weepy, sad for myself but happy for him.

I will be in Exton today attending school orientation and helping Tyler move into his new digs.  Hug your children tightly today. They grow up so darn fast.

xo

Spirit of the Heart Award- Dedicated to All of You!

Yesterday Brian, the twins, and I went to Sibley Hospital in Washington D.C. to hear Dr. Neil Spector speak. He was incredible! His story is one of perseverance and hope and I was so thankful to be able to attend his lecture. He not only talked about his own battle with Lyme, which caused him to have a heart transplant, but he also discussed how his experience and research in oncology is closely related to Lyme and the treatment of the borrelia burgdorferi bacteria. It truly was fascinating! I was so happy to shake his hand and thank him for all his hard work in bringing this issue to light and his help in pushing current research forward for Lyme Disease. I was gifted his book, Gone In a Heartbeat: A Physician's Search for True Healing, by the amazing director of Harford Lyme Advocates, Janet Jensen, and started reading it immediately after the lecture yesterday. It is captivating and I highly recommend it to anyone with a chronic illness or who takes care of someone with a chronic illness. He truly is an inspiration with his will to live and his compassion as a healer.

One of the best moments of the day for me was after the presentation when I turned to see my own Lyme doctor in attendance! How wonderful is it that the man taking care of me is taking his personal time to seek further viewpoints and theories behind this tricky disease? It made my heart soar to know he is still seeking education and understanding from his colleagues even though he himself has written a book about beating Lyme Disease. Awesome.

In addition, NatCapLyme Association honored me with their Spirit of the Heart Award to recognize my work in raising awareness of and funds for Lyme Disease and other tick borne illnesses in Harford County and beyond. It is my honor and pleasure to give back by supporting research, education, and legislation for this horrible disease. I want to dedicate the Spirit of the Heart Award to everyone who has supported me in my efforts with my Ticked Off events over the last three years! I could not have done this without the undying help from family, friends, fellow artists, and patrons! We are getting the word out and making a difference! This award is for all of you! Thank you! Here are a few pictures from the event:

Dr. Neil Spector- a unique voice for the Lyme community

Monte Skall of NatCapLyme giving me the Spirit of the Heart Award

Spirit of the Heart Award from NatCapLyme

Susan Green, Esq.

Susan Green is the amazing lawyer who has helped and continues to help push through legislation to protect Lyme patients in Maryland and Virginia. She had the honor of introducing Dr. Neil Spector prior to his presentation.

One of the many slides Dr. Neil Spector had in his presentation explaining the similarities between cancer and Lyme Disease.

Dr. Neil Spector's Book

Again, thank you all for your continuing support in raising awareness and research funds for Lyme Disease.

xo

37/365- Through Time and Space

Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last.”

― Kristin O'Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign

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I turned and saw him standing there next to my brother with his arms held out to me, arms formed in a downward but wide open V, palms facing me, inviting me to him. I ran, stunned at his presence, and threw myself into his embrace. After a long hug, I looked up into his face, his countenance younger than when he left, his expression soft and calm.

"How is this possible?  How are you here?" I blurted out to him, heart pounding both with excitement and a knowing dread.
"I've been working." came his simple reply with a slight smile on his lips.  He looked around at the crowd of people milling around about us and he said, "I can't stay here. There are too many people." He patted me on the back with his huge hands as if telling me it was time to step away from his embrace

"But," I started to protest as I stepped backward from him.

He turned and without hesitation, walked away from me. He turned once, several steps into his retreat and said, "I'll see you soon."

And then he was gone and I opened my eyes.

Thank you for visiting me, Dad, through time and space. I am so thankful to have had this brief time with you. It has been a while.

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For those who don't know, my father passed away suddenly in 2014. This is the first "encounter" I've had with him since the year he died when I had two similar incidents.

xo

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About this digital art-

Flying home on the plane from Arizona I was thinking about time and space and how, when you fly west to east, it is a bit like time traveling. At least it is as close to time traveling as we will probably ever get here on earth. As I was contemplating this idea, I was staring out onto the wing of my "time machine" watching the light from the setting sun flicker on the wings. The sky turned cotton candy pink and blue and the moon reflected off the shiny silver of the wing. It was captivating. So, I created this digital art piece to remember that stunning moment, the moment I traveled through time and through space. 

People Watching in the Airport

Returned to Dust- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

"...there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust."

John Greene; The Fault in Our Stars


As I sat waiting to board the plane that would take me to my daughter and her new apartment many states away, I became hyper-aware of all the people and human interaction around me at the airport.

A young boy, perhaps 8 or 9 years old was exiting the jetway having just arrived to Baltimore from goodness knows where. He screamed, "Mama!" and ran, bursting into tears, leaping in to the waiting arms of his mother, who was also crying. They embraced for a long while, each wiping the tears of the other from their cheeks. I sat and wondered what their story was. Where did the boy go and for how long was he gone? Why was he traveling alone?

A couple, maybe in their 20's, were having an intense conversation, huddled close to each other near the bathrooms. He had her wrapped in her arms, her face nestled into the soft spot where his arm connects with his shoulder. She was crying and dabbing her eyes and nose with a Silver Diner napkin, a forlorn look on her face. He kissed the top of her head and held her close, talking in whispers back to her. Finally, they released each other and walked away together toward the gates. I wonder what news had her so upset? Where were they traveling? Was there a death in the family?

A little girl was playing across the aisle from me at another gate. She was giggling loudly and running around with her shirt pulled over her face, her preschool belly open and bare. Her father would grab her, spin her around and give her a tickle, pulling the shirt back down where it belonged. The girl would laugh uncontrollably, pull her shirt right back over her face, and set off running in circles, blindly. Her mother then grabbed her, corrected the shirt, giggled at her daughter, and then set her free again. This cycle repeated over and over again to the dismay of the elderly couple doing sudoku puzzles  across from me. The woman declared that this behavior in a public place was not mannerly and that even if the father thinks he is being funny, it certainly was not. I questioned...where was the family of three headed to? Why was the elderly couple at my gate so irritated over a toddler having fun? Were the old man and woman traveling to Orlando to visit Disney, as their hats would indicate?

I find people fascinating. I love to people watch. I make up stories about them in my head. I find emotion fascinating. I love watching how people interact with each other...how they fight, how they love, how they comfort, how they laugh. Humans are incredible and strange animals.

Do you love to people watch? Where is your favorite place to watch others?

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I am still in Florida helping my daughter get settled. It is going well so far and I am so proud of how she is handling everything. There have been a few challenges and she seems to have overcome them with grace and gratitude. Proud of my son for taking care of the house and animals while we are gone, and proud of the twins for being so helpful as their sister gets tucked into life here in Florida. I am a blessed mother for sure.

For all of those who followed my cousins' stories from back in October when they were in a near-fatal accident and left with significant brain injuries, I wanted to let you know Kirsten left for college yesterday. She is all set up in her dorm and ready to conquer this next phase of her life. I couldn't be prouder of her. I know her parents, my cousins, will miss her desperately, just as we will miss Brenna, but they are also bursting with pride. They were not sure just less than a year ago if she would live to see another day much less recover enough to begin college on time. This is indeed a special time. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday. We will be heading to Ikea to pick a few things to organize Brenna's new apartment. We are looking forward to her roommate arriving on Thursday. This is such a neat time of life watching my kids begin adulthood. Neat, but strange.

Until tomorrow...

xo

When Your Child Leaves for College for the First Time

Yellow Spider Chrysanthemum by Harford County Digital Artist Tracey Grumbach
Part of the Portrait of a Flower Series

 I opened my eyes in the dim morning light, filtered by the clouds of a rainy day. The house felt so quiet and empty. So still. My first thought was, she is gone. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and a physical, not theoretical, ache in my heart. The thing all parents wish for, to raise children capable of living a healthy, productive, meaningful, independent life was coming true after 18 years of raising her to be the person she is today. And yet that didn't help the terrible empty feeling in the house she left behind when she packed up her room and embarked on a journey of a lifetime.

I am so incredibly proud of her. She is taking a leap of faith despite being unsure. She is being brave despite being frightened. She is letting go when all she wants to do is cling to what she knows. She is ready. We are ready. Being ready doesn't mean she won't hurt and we won't miss her. Those feelings aren't bad feelings. Those feelings are a testament to our close relationship with our children. They are proof that we invested our time, energy, and heart into raising her. These feelings will ease with time and a new normal will eventually just become normal. I will take my own advice that I gave to Brenna...it is OK to feel these strong feelings. You will miss home. You will miss us. Feel those feelings in their full force because without them, happiness and comfort have no definition. So, I will feel these strong feelings and welcome them. They are a sign I am moving into the next phase of life, and that is OK. I am OK. She is OK. We are all OK.

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Continuing my series, Portrait of a Flower, this yellow spider chrysanthemum tells us the days of fall are creeping ever nearer. I simply can not believe how quickly the summer has gone. I knew this summer would be fast because of all the preparation and anticipation of Brenna leaving for college and getting Tyler ready to leave for his school in October, but it has just disappeared. The weather the last week has even felt more fall like. I am sure the summer heat will pop back in soon, as it always seems to do in the beginning of fall in Maryland. In the meantime, I will embrace the coming changing of seasons just as I will embrace the changing of seasons my life right now...with awe, and wonder, and thankfulness that I am here to experience it.

May you have a wonderful Monday!
xo

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend- Digital Art

It has been quiet around here. Despite my plans for an active summer full of exploring with the twins before they return to public school in September, my body has decided not to cooperate so far. I've been confined to the house pretty much for the last week except for an outing to the Hippodrome with a friend and a family picnic for 4th of July...both of which I rested in chairs.  Yesterday I had a close call with a health crisis that almost sent me to the hospital, but in the end it subsided and I was able to stay home, under the careful and vigilant watch of my oldest daughter.  I sure am going to miss her when she moves away next month. I still have tons of hope, though, and I see a future full of activity and exploring. I'm just not quite there yet.

Since I haven't been far from home, I have been busy with creative things around the house. This was the view from my front porch when a summer thunderstorm was rolling in. Not too shabby of a view! I've also been working on my Figurescapes class and I have completed my second project. I'll show that to you and talk more about that here on the blog tomorrow. I've also been writing. Yesterday, I told you I was writing another article for The Mighty and I did, but after going back to edit it yesterday after lunch, I hated it. Yep. I absolutely hated the article I wrote. The tone was so negative and I didn't like how I presented the material. So, today, I plan on rewriting the article, but this time with a positive and hopeful tone!

Today looks to be more of the same, except maybe I will pull out some art materials and make some art paper and collages I can use in upcoming artwork I have planned. It will be fun to do something with physical materials instead of a just a computer. I hope your Thursday is the best Thursday you've ever had! I think I'll throw on some relaxing music, fold some laundry, and then get started with all of these creative endeavors I have planned. Till tomorrow...

xo

No Fear- Figurescapes Project 1

No Fear- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

In my new Figurescapes class I am taking, this is my completed first project. It is totally out of the realm of what is "normal" for me- an abstract human figure. I rarely include humans in my digital art work and when I do they are typically self portraits. While I really enjoyed and loved this first project and while I learned a ton, both about myself and about apps and artistic process, I am not sure this is exactly "me."  But, that is ok. The point was to push myself out of my artistic box and see what I can learn. I will continue exploring this type of art to see if I can apply more of "my style" to it and make it more me.

I titled it "No Fear" because that was my mantra going into this project and it stuck with me throughout the weekend. I often times find my fear of failure holding me back from trying new things, so I thought it was an appropriate title for my first project. Those words also popped into my mind when I thought about the defiant body posture the figure is taking in this piece. She looks strong and fearless and powerful in her stance. No Fear. I love it. Can you see the cursive written words "no fear" toward the bottom of the piece in her leg area? Just a sweet reminder to myself to let me fears go and let the process work unhindered.

What do you fear? How is this holding you back from achieving your goals or holding you back from trying new things? How can you overcome this fear? Talk to me...

Have a great Monday and a fantastic Independence Day. I may or may not have a post tomorrow, so if I don't, have a safe holiday!

xo

Changes For Us

Late Spring Sunset- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

As the corn creeps closer to being knee high and the temperatures creep toward the nineties, my mind creeps toward next school year instead of summer fun. When I started the journey of homeschooling 2 years ago, I knew that one day we would return our twins back into the public school system at some point. We had a set of private goals for our children and my husband and I knew we would know when it was time to send them back. These past two years have been challenging, rewarding, fun, and full of bonding with my two youngest. But, the time has come to send them back to their local elementary school. It is a decision that brings me a mixed bag of feelings. While I am so happy for them to be more independent from me, I am sad for the fun times and flexibility we will lose in this process. We recently told them they are returning to the public education system and they too had mixed feelings. They are excited to be with friends on a daily basis again, but sad to lose our shorter schooling day, our fun field trips, and other special things we got to do as homeschoolers. For all of us it is a weird mix of excitement and grieving.  I guess that is normal for the ending of one stage of life and the moving on to another.

Thank you to everyone who has supported our decision to homeschool two years ago. We took a leap of faith pulling our children out of the system and home with us. Most everyone was happy for us and cheered us on for two years. I especially want to thank all the homeschooling moms who took me under their wing, counseled me when I was stressing out, and who have become lifelong friends. You all know who you are and you ladies rock. Thank you to everyone for your continuing support as we navigate this change again. I will be discontinuing my Instagram and blog related to homeschooling now that the twins will be back in school.  So, if you follow those, please be aware of this change.

Have a wonderful Monday...

xo

A Letter to My Father on the 3rd Anniversary of His Death

Bridge Over Troubled Waters- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

Dear Dad,
It's been three years since you've left us here on earth. 1,095 days of missing you. 26,280 hours of wanting to hear your voice just one more time. 1,576,800 minutes of navigating this life without your guidance.  I don't cry very often anymore like I did when you first went to heaven. But this morning, while I sit alone in my room thinking about the significance of this date, I let the tears stream down my face, I let the knot form in my throat, I let the nausea overcome me and I allow myself to feel the full impact of your loss. I weep. I weep because I miss you. I weep because Mom is alone without you. I weep because my kids wish for their grandfather's love.

Do you know how many times I wanted to reach for the phone to call you and hear your voice; to tell you what is happening in our lives; to ask for your sound advice on millions of things? Do you know how many holidays, vacations, birthdays, graduations, and other events felt empty because your booming presence wasn't with us? We may not say it aloud very often, but every one of us is thinking, "I wish Dad (PopPop) was here to see this." 

Pop, you are missed more than you ever can imagine. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't agree. There are some wounds that are just too deep to ever really heal. They may scab over but the scars never leave us. And to be honest, I prefer it that way. Somehow the hurt that lingers helps me remember the impact you had in my life. You weren't the perfect father and I wasn't the perfect daughter, but it didn't matter. What mattered was the love you never ever stopped showing me and for that I will forever be grateful.

Keep looking down on us, Dad. I will continue to lift my face to the heavens searching for you.

I love you,
Pumpkin

Settling of a New Day- Digital Art by Tracey Grumbach

It truly is the settling of a new day. Not only has the month changed to June, but we, as a family, have changed into a new chapter of life. Brian and I now have two children who have graduated high school with just two more to go. My oldest daughter, Brenna, graduated with honors on Tuesday and we couldn't be prouder. She will be heading off to college in August to attend Full Sail University to study film production. We are so proud of the wonderful young adult she is turning into and can't wait to see where the rest of her life will take her. This summer she will be exploring Canada, working as a nanny, and preparing herself to head out into the world on her own. Life, indeed, is changing and God is good.

xo

Life Is Really Simple- Mobile Art by Tracey Grumbach

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

~Confucius

Life truly is simple. There is nothing more important to me than my family. Spending quality time with each of my children gets harder and harder as they grow into adults, so I am thrilled when I have the opportunity to be with them alone, away from the other kids. This weekend I got to spend some quality time with my oldest and his girlfriend. We had brunch at Miss Shirley's in downtown Baltimore at the Inner Harbor. It was great to just sit and chat about his life, reminisce about when he was young, get to know his beautiful girlfriend better, and enjoy a meal together without the distraction of other siblings. That doesn't happen so often now days since my oldest is working and going to college. 

This weekend I also had a date night with my youngest son, who is turning nine along with his twin sister this week. We went out to dinner together and then went to see Santa Paws at the local Community College. These are precious times that build a sense of history and meaning into their young lives. In January I already have a college visitation trip planned with my oldest daughter, and a date night with my youngest daughter for dinner and a Peter Rabbit theater show. Each of my kids is so different and unique, this alone time with them allows me to see that more clearly and let them know how much I love and appreciate each one as an individual. 

As busy and hectic as this season gets, I wouldn't trade these hours spent with my kids for anything. I hope you are able to slow down and find time for those in your life. After all, isn't that what this season is all about...family?

xo

Character Cannot Be Developed In Ease and Quiet- Digital Art

Digital Art Self Portrait

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.

Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, 

ambition inspired, and success achieved.

-Helen Keller

Dear 16 year old me,

Stop stressing.  It's all going to work out fine.

Begin by honoring yourself. Speak your mind, but speak it kindly. Leave behind things and people that don't make you happy. Really, it's ok...you won't miss them in the long run. You don't think you are good enough for the best, but take it from me, you will learn to see you are worth the moon and stars. You really do deserve the best, so release anything and anyone that is not serving to fill you with joy.

You don't know it yet, but you will be entrusted by God to help raise four amazing children. If you weren't truly an amazing person, God would never bestow such a great honor upon you. All of those years you will spend learning to be a great teacher will come in handy. Your true gift is teaching and you will be able to use that gift in more ways than one as you grow older. It will be integrated into your daily life...just you wait and see.

This isn't to say you won't make mistakes along the way. You will. Lots of them. Some are bigger than others, but the good news is you will humble yourself, ask forgiveness, and continue moving forward. You will lose yourself, but when you find yourself once again, you will be stronger, more centered, and a totally different person who sees the world much differently. That is not a bad thing, trust me. You will wake up and use the difficult times you tread through to help others. We all make mistakes, my 16 year old self, but it is how you pick yourself up and move on that matter. Don't let yourself wallow in self-loathing when you make mistakes. It is part of being human. Keep God centered in your life and it will all work out in the end.

Beautiful girl, take care of yourself. You will get very sick, eventually, and you will want to give up more than once. But you see, you are strong and built of character so you won't give in. You will fight for answers when you think there are no answers. You will surprise yourself with how steadfast and determined you can be. But then again, you've always been stubborn and that is a good thing...most of the time. You will realize during this illness what truly is important in life. Let those who love you help you. Many "friends" will move on because you will be ill for a long time, but the ones who stick around are gold. Keep them close. Your family...they will amaze you with the support they give you. They will show you the true meaning of love during this time. Take it and use it to heal. Give it back to them in thanks.

Oh, and I almost forgot...trust your gut. God has given you a beautiful woman's intuition that is rarely wrong. As long as you are quiet and listen for the whispers of God, your instinct will not steer you wrong. If your gut is telling you no, listen. If it is telling you to go for it, listen. Trust it. Trust yourself.

Most of all, my 16 year old self, don't be so tough on yourself. You are your own worst critic and later in life this will eventually catch up with you. Don't take yourself so seriously. Have fun. Explore. Don't get tied down in the small, irrelevant stuff. Keep your head up, eyes forward, and love in your heart and you will be just fine. I love you dearly, my 16 year old self. If not for you, I wouldn't be where I am today.

With neverending love,

Your 44 year old self

xo

The Week Whizzed By

Glen Rock, PA

This past week flew by but in its hurry, I was still able to savor some really joyful moments despite the chaos. Last Sunday I celebrated my 43rd birthday. I am not much on birthdays anymore, as I assume most people my age aren't, but for me this one held significance. It was a marker in my journey, a mile marker along the highway of healing I have been on for the past 13 months. I have one full year of Lyme treatment under my belt and while I have a long way to go, I am so thankful for where I am. Some days it is difficult to see it because the pain and exhaustion is still so great, but when I have a cause to pause and look over the past year, I am thankful for how far I've come. If this week occurred one year ago, I never would have been able to accomplish half of what I was able to accomplish this year.

I spent the day celebrating with my family. It started with a delicious breakfast at one of my favorite restaurants where they now offer gluten free pancakes! Then, home to open gifts and do what I love to do on Sunday...watch football. Even the Raven's losing couldn't dampen my birthday mood. That evening my husband cooked a delicious dinner and surprised me with a wonderful homemade dessert. He made a strawberry shortcake that meets my dietary needs...gluten and dairy free, created from a delicious vanilla cake with organic strawberries on top and whipped coconut cream on top. It was divine.

The week following my birthday flew by as I homeschooled my twins during the day and then in the evening I worked each night finalizing my inventory list for my upcoming solo show, matted and framed the pieces, and edited the real estate shoots I completed over the week. Each night I would collapse into bed, exhausted but happy and proud with the day's accomplishments.

Friday was our first day at homeschool co-op where my twins take 4 classes with other homeschooled students their age and I teach 2 high school photography classes to 23 students. I also assist in two other classes, an art class for elementary students and a sign language class for the same age group. I was a bit nervous; very reminiscent of the night before school started back in the days when I was a classroom teacher. The nerves are good, keeping me on my toes, and it is more of a nervous excitement more than anything else. Joining this co-op was out of my normal realm of what I do. I tend to be very shy although I force myself to not appear that way. It takes a lot of energy for me to push myself into a group of about 40 women and appear calm and collected and sociable. But, at the end of the day, the twins were over-the-moon happy and I felt relieved and accomplished that my high school pupils were willing, kind, and excited for the upcoming year-long class.

Last night I collapsed into bed, completely spent from the week and yet, here I am, up and ready early Saturday morning, preparing to head out to deliver my artwork to the gallery for hanging. While I am there, a reporter is due to meet me and interview me for a local newspaper article. All of this is so surreal to me and uncomfortable. I prefer to be home, quiet, and private, so despite being tired, the smile will come out and I will do what I have to make this show the best it can be. I want it to succeed so that we can bring awareness to Chronic Lyme Disease and raise money for research, education, advocacy, and support.

Just when I think everything is wrapped up and things can calm down, I will have a house full of guests coming tomorrow, something else that I am uncomfortable with. In the future I can tell you all the exciting things going on here tomorrow, but for now, it has to be a contractual secret, so I can't say anything more other than the stress and rigor continues! Once the opening reception is over this coming Friday, I will be so thankful for the lull that will be present. I am in desperate need of rest and relaxation...something I am very much looking forward to in mid-October.

For now, have a wonderful weekend and I will see you next week. May you be blessed in the upcoming week and find happiness each day.  xo

The Control We Believe We Have

"...the control we believe we have is purely illusionary, and that every moment we teeter on chaos and oblivion."

~Clive Barker

Control is an interesting concept. I have been, in the past, a self-admitted control freak. I had, for many more years than I can count, tried to control every aspect of my life because I felt so out of control when I was a child and a teen. I was in a situation for many years where I felt like I couldn't control my own destiny. When I was able to get out of my confining situation, I turned in completely the opposite direction, and instead of being out of control of my destiny, I decided that I was going to be in control of every single aspect of my life. I spiraled down into a difficult depression filled with anxiety, all fueled by my desire to micromanage people and situations around me. I developed a strong fear of flying. I developed a strong fear of being alone with my own children when they were babies. I developed a fear of fire...I feared just about anything that I couldn't control...fire, a plane, accidents, etc. If I wasn't in control, I was anxious and afraid. So, yeah, that didn't work out so well for me.

Years later I sought therapy for the original issues that caused me to want to control everything. When I realized that everything I was afraid of was something I could NOT control, it dawned on me how much of my life I was wasting worry about something out of my realm, out of my reach. I had to give complete faith over to God and accept that He had a plan for me. I had to trust when trust was not yet easy for me. I had to have faith when I had little faith left to go on. Once I did this, I became a much less anxious person and a much happier person. Some lessons in life are learned slowly, and this was one of those lessons for me. I am still anxious and afraid at times, but so much less than I was years ago; and when I am scared, I know how to deal with it without resorting to panic attacks and depression.

This digital art piece was created from my imagination; a visual representation of the chaos and oblivion I tightroped along when I thought I had to control all aspects of my life. It is a face to go along with that deep embedded fear I lived with for so many years. The control I thought I had was not control...instead, it was causing me to teeter on the edge of chaos and oblivion, just as Clive Barker states. 

I hope you all have a beautiful week. I plan on it. 

xo

Daisies In My Hair

This self-portrait was created using a combination of iPhoneography, digital painting and digital mixed media.  This is how I see myself, with crooked nose and all.  I had a difficult time with the nose...the shading and making it crooked, lol.  My grandfather used to tell me that the reason my nostrils were crooked was because I picked one side of my nose more than the other.  Ewwww.  As a young girl, I hated hearing that mostly because I wondered if he was right...if maybe when I was too young to remember I picked my nose more than I should have.  Funny how little conversations will stick with you like that.  Now my crooked nostrils are a defining feature of myself.

I am glad to report that although my surgery lasted twice as long as expected and that it was more complicated than expected (my anatomy threw some surprises at the surgeon when he was in there), it so far has been a success.  My surgeon believes he has cleaned out all of the infection and was successfully able to avoid the main nerve that supplies the right side of my face with feeling, which was lying just millimeters away from the infection sites.  Despite the local anesthetic wearing off in the middle of the procedure because it lasted much longer than anticipated, remarkably I am doing well with pain.  They didn't give me general anesthesia for several reasons, one of which because they needed me to follow directions for head and mouth movement during the surgery and they also wanted to be able to assess the nerve function which they can't do unless I was awake.  So, I was awake during the 2.5 hour long surgery and awake when the numbness wore off (which was a good sign because the pain meant they had not severed the main nerve).  My surgeon did send off a biopsy of the infected tissue to a lab and mentioned that I have chronic Lyme disease to see if they can detect any Lyme or co-infection bacteria in the sample.  It should be interesting to get those results back as I have been reading lately that these tick-born illnesses can cause jaw infections.

Besides being very sore, swollen, slightly bruised, and looking like the hunch-face of Notre Dame (think lopsided jaw), all is well so far.  I go back Wednesday to get all 18 (9 double) stitches removed and have the surgery site assessed for healing.  I am feeling positive about it despite hearing the news that another infection site was found on the other side of my jaw as well which means I will probably have to do this again in the future on the left side.  One step at a time...

I am still on doctor-ordered house arrest (or light bedrest as he called it but feels more like house arrest to me) through the weekend to help reduce pain, swelling, and bleeding.  Apparently I am a bleeder, which also complicated the surgery (I knew there was trouble when he made the first cut and immediately asked if I was on blood thinners!).  So, I don't have many plans for this weekend other than catching up on my DVRed shows, reading, and possibly working on some art.

I do want you to know how flattered I am with everyone's well wishes...they came flooding in the day of surgery and haven't stopped. I've had visitors, offers to bring dinner for the family, texts, calls, private messages and more over the past two days.  You all sure know how to make a girl feel loved! I truly believe the success of the surgery was influenced by all the prayers sent for a good outcome and I can never say thank you enough.  I hope you have a blessed and beautiful weekend and I will see you all on Monday.  xo

Not All Who Wander (To My Son On His Graduation Day)

My Dearest Son,

On the occasion of a high school graduation most parents have sage advice for their son or daughter. Most can tell you with certainty the correct direction in which to launch yourself into the next phase of being an adult.  I, however, am not one with sage advice.  I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and find myself sometimes still wandering about aimlessly at times.  But there is one thing I would like to tell you...not so much advice as a mantra that I would like for you to carry with you.  It is this: Not all who wander are lost.  

I want you to know that, son.  I want you to not only hear those words, but internalize them and make them your traveling companion as you walk through the new world of independence waiting for you. I want you to make it the rhythm to which you walk...Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost, Not all who wander are lost.  I want you to know that it is OK to not have it all figured out.  It is OK to be scared.  It is OK to be confused.  It is OK to walk through the grass or the woods where no one has tread before you.  It is OK to wander because not all who wander are lost.

Go forward boldly but take time to veer off the well-worn path that the masses take because sometimes wandering alone and blazing your own way is where you find yourself, where you come back to the you you were meant to be. It is where you find your internal compass that will lead you in the correct direction. Wandering can teach you lessons that you may not have otherwise learned. Wandering can let you see things that others have not seen, and that, my precious child, is where the beauty lies. You get one life, so live it. Create experiences and fill your heart with gladness.  Always be content with what you have, but never settle for less than you are worth.

I am so very proud of who you are.  You are the best and brightest of me. You have a soul to be proud of, so trust yourself in quiet, still moments and follow your heart.  Be you.  Be the best you.  I love you with every ounce of my being, with every fiber that creates me.  Congratulations on this accomplishment, my son.  Your journey is just beginning and what one hell of a journey it will be.

Love,
Mom

Point 65°North

I become one with the kayak, sinking so low in the seat that I am parallel with the water, skimming silently over the surface.  I lean back and close my eyes, thinking of all the life just underneath my boat thriving, moving, living a life we know nothing about.  My face lifts to the sun and I take it into my pores, absorbing its heat and energy and love...filling myself with it.  I need this. I need this warm embrace from the sun to my soul.  It rejuvenates me.

The birds are calling and I can hear a slight knocking...bonk, bonk, bonk.  Is that sound human or animal?  Ah, a woodpecker...just over to the left of my head on an outstretched branch that reaches longingly over the river.  Bonk, bonk, bonk.  Always in sets of threes, searching for his next morsel. In the distance I hear the honking of geese as they fly low over the water getting ready to land. It is a jarring and obnoxious sound, this honking, and it disturbs the quiet revery of the early morning river. After the splash landing (they could use some lessons in gracefulness, those geese) all falls quiet and hush again.

I can see fisherman in the distance and their lazy conversation drifts over to me on top of the water...a gift of deep, mumbled sound waves that, by the time they reach me, are indistinguishable words.  A gift all the same, because it seems that one of them has a tone that reminds me of my father's voice. I feel as if he is with me, murmuring softly about his day...I can pretend he is anyway.  When I lean forward and open my eyes, they are flooded with the bright colors of nature...greens, blues, purples, browns, grays, a vibrant painting before my eyes.  It is almost, almost, too much to take in.

I grab my paddle and gently stroke the water's surface, not wanting to disturb it too much, and propel myself slightly forward, pointed 65° North.  I'm heading toward the opening between two islands, to explore a land, a river, that I've never been to before yet it all seems familiar somehow.

Some days I just don't want to keep going. There seems like too much emotional and physical pain. But then I am here, in this place right now, using all my senses to absorb this beautiful moment, and for just a brief time the pain subsides and I renew my hope.  It is all a cycle of life and I will just keep paddling north.

Have a beautiful Monday. xo

Digging Through the Rubble

Rubble. Trash. Junk. Debris. Refuse. Waste. Litter.

We have lots of it around here.  There are piles and piles of debris from the construction happening at my home.  We all have junk, don't we?  Layers and layers of rubble that not only fill our homes (or yards or offices), but also refuse in our minds and hearts.  All of those things we can't let go?  Trash. All of those negative thoughts...wreckage.  All of those hurts that haven't healed...a minefield of garbage.  The accumulation of those wounds and emotional sores pile up just like the stinking, decaying garbage at the dump.

In an effort to clean up prior to hosting my son's graduation party here, we worked as a family cleaning up and loading a dumpster with construction refuse to be hauled away prior to the celebration. Doing this monotonous work (pick up trash, throw it in the dumpster, pick up trash, throw it in the dumpster) started me thinking about this past year and how tough it has been...my diagnosis with Lyme, my father's death, having to quite a job I loved, and so many other hurtful events.  As I picked through the layers of rotting wood, broken boards, twisted metal, and bent nails I began feeling like I was peeling back the layers of trash from this past year in my heart.

And then, the funniest thing happened.  I lifted a board and found the cutest toad.  Yep, a warty, round, fat greenish-brown blob of animal energy hiding there beneath all of those scraps.  It was like finding a treasure.  I stopped and showed my twins what I found and they were delighted.  We carried him/her (how DO you tell the difference between a male and female toad?) to a safe place and let him/her go.  I left the kids there to observe the toad and I went back to digging, lifting, throwing, and digging some more.

And guess what?  I found a second toad.  After much screeching of joy and delight now that Toad 1 had a friend, it dawned on me.  This peeling back of the onion-like layers of trash was helping peel back all the hurts of this past year.  If we keep on keeping on and look for the positive, the treasures in the pile of trash, we will find them.

Cleaning the yard was very cathartic for me.  Healing even.  Purifying.  Lifting the trash in my heart and throwing it out along with the construction litter became a soulful, thoughtful process and by the time I was finished, I felt lighter.  Tired, but lighter.

xo

P.S.  That Gatorade bottle was from one of the workers, not my family.  I don't allow them to drink that chemical ridden mess of a liquid.

Letting Go

Memorial Day-  it will forever have a different meaning for me. This weekend changed that.  It was always a weekend of remembrance for those who gave everything in defense of our country's freedom. My freedom. My children's freedom.  But 2015 Memorial Day was much more. It was the weekend of saying goodbye to my father once again. Although he died last June, almost a year ago now, I had not yet scattered his ashes as he had requested. I was waiting, clinging on to what...I don't know. But I did know it was time, time to let him go and fulfill his wishes. It was his wish to be scattered on a body of water that he loved very dearly. (For the privacy of my family, I will not reveal location.)

My father loved the water...always did. He grew up partly in West Virginia and partly in Essex, Maryland where he owned his own little fishing boat from an early age. As he grew up the water was always a part of his life and then when he married my mother and had kids, he passed the tradition on to us. He used to take us out on the boat every summer to ski, tube, swim, relax, and just enjoy being surrounded by the element that makes up so much of our own bodies. He used to say, quoting Jimmy Buffett, that he was a pirate born 200 years too late. If he could have, I believe he would have made his profession on the water. But, as it was, he was his own sort of pirate...a truck driver that sailed the highways instead of the sea.

To honor my father the best way I knew how, I kayaked into a special place where he would have loved, paddled around a bit to take in the early morning surroundings and be at quiet peace with my father's spirit.  Then, I quietly played my father's favorite song, Son of a Son of a Sailor, on my phone and spread his ashes, making him one with the water that he felt he belonged to.  It was a deeply sad moment for me, but I also had a deep feeling of release, of letting go, of setting my father free.

So, yes, Memorial Day weekend will from now on take on a new meaning for me. Not only will I honor our fallen Veterans, but also I will honor my father. Perhaps I will kayak out to this very special place each year. Perhaps I will play Jimmy Buffett again and just remember him, like I do every day, but feel more close to him floating upon the water he loved so much.

A Pirate Looks at Forty by Jimmy Buffett

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call

Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall

You've seen it all, you've seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam

And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen

Most of them dream, most of them dream.

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late

The cannons don't thunder, there's nothing to plunder

I'm an over-forty victim of fate

Arriving too late, arriving too late.

I've done a bit of smuggling, I've run my share of grass

I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast

Never meant to last, never meant to last.

And I have been drunk now for over two weeks

I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks

But I got stop wishing, got to go fishing, down to rock bottom again

Just a few friends, just a few friends.

I go for younger women, lived with several a while

Though I ran them away, they'd come back one day

Still could manage to smile

Just takes a while, just takes a while.

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found

My occupational hazard being my occupation's just not around

I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown.