Shaking Hands With the Dark Part of My Thoughts

Two days ago was a horrible day. We all have them. Truth be told, though, it almost crushed me. Days where things just pile on and pile on and pile on really challenge me. I guess it challenges everyone unless you are a complete saint. I'm not a saint. Not even close.

To start out, I haven't been feeling my best. I am not sure if I am having mold issues in the house again which is causing my sinus problems, or if I caught the virus my oldest daughter had about a week ago. Either way, for about 5 days I have been dealing with sinus pain, pressure, and headaches. So just waking up and getting going yesterday was a challenge.

Then, I had an appointment with the endodontist that did my jaw surgery in June of 2015. The teeth/jaw that he repaired had another infection and so it needed to be re-evaluated. I was praying for an easy solution to this latest jaw infection, but I came away from the appointment disappointed, frustrated, and terrified because the news was not good. The infection was back full force and once again was beginning to "eat away" at my jaw bone. The bone had not healed the way he was hoping it would and so the tooth can't be saved. He told me I would need to have the tooth extracted and have surgery on the jaw to remove the infection and implant a bone graft. Hopefully after this procedure, the infection will stay away and the bone graft will take to help regrow the bone that has been compromised from the infection. Of course, hearing this news on top of not feeling well to begin with was quite the blow.

On the way home from the appointment I stopped at a health food market to grab a few things we were out of since we got back from vacation. I went through the market quickly grabbing things I needed only to get to the cashier to realize I didn't have a credit card or cash to pay with. The night before I had given my oldest daughter my cash and card to pick up a few food essentials and both of us had forgotten to get my card back. Thank goodness I convinced the natural market to let me write a check for my purchase or I would've had to leave me entire order there.

I called my daughter after leaving the store to make sure that she still had my credit card and she told me that there was a problem at home. Apparently my youngest daughter used the bathroom and clogged up the toilet but instead of asking for help, she just flushed the toilet over and over causing a flood in our upstairs bathroom. When I got home I saw the extent of the damage, including drywall ceiling damage in our basement. I was devastated. I just couldn't take one more thing. Tears flooded my eyes and I just gave in to it. I couldn't even look at my youngest daughter because I was so angry about the damage she had done.

I cried. I called my mom. I called a friend. Then, I went into quiet mode. I realized, when I became still and quiet, that I could not start the day over, I could not control the world and all the bad things in it, but I could control my thoughts and reactions. I still had a safe home in which to live. I still had my family and friends. Yes, I had some health challenges again, but I am a fighter. I still had my sense of humor. Yes, there was some damage to the house, but that could be repaired with time.

So, I shook hands with the dark part of my thoughts, acknowledged them, and then sent them on their way, allowing the blessings and gratitude for the beautiful life I live to fill in the all the crevices in my heart and brain the dark thoughts were occupying. I can only control what I can control and the rest I need to leave up to God.

I went and found my daughter in her room, told her how disappointed I was and showed her the damage she had caused to the house. I told her what the consequences were going to be since she did something she knew was wrong. And then I hugged her. I told her although I was disappointed and angry, I still loved her and nothing she ever did could change that. And then I walked away to fix dinner and nourish my family.

So yeah, shitty days happen, in this case, literally. But overall, life is beautiful.

The Season of Recovery

Winter is a season of recovery and preparation.

~Paul Theroux

I know many of you are sick and tired of the white stuff already (which is why I opted to post this colorful image today as opposed to more snow pictures), but keep in mind that winter is the season of recovery and preparation. It is a good time to reconnect with ourselves and also with our neighbors. I have been thrilled with how all of our neighbors are helping each other during the aftermath of the blizzard. While I am physically unable to do a lot of shoveling myself, I was able to contribute by feeding all the hard working neighbors who were out working in the cold all day yesterday. We are still not plowed out by the county, so my husband and other neighborhood men are out today with their tractor snowblowers and front end loaders clearing our road themselves. It may take them all day to make a path, but the county always leaves us for last, so sometimes if you want it done, you have to do it yourself. People need to return to work, go to doctor appointments, get to stores to replenish supplies, and in some cases, get to the airport for travel plans. So, they are out there working as a team to get it done. Also, please be sure to check on elderly neighbors to make sure they have what they need and have a path to get out in an emergency.

One thing I am proud of as a parent was, after watching me feed the working neighbors yesterday, my sixteen year old daughter came to me this morning to ask if she could bake a batch of blueberry muffins to take to the men today. Of course, I said yes. So happy she has a giving and kind heart and sees the value of contributing to a group effort. My oldest son is out with the men helping unbury everyone. I am thankful that I am raising children that contribute positively to society. It is all a mama could ask for. 

Hope everyone is safe, warm, and comfortable. 

Hugs

xo