Monday, April 20, 2015

Birds of a Feather

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.

Brene Brown

This quote rang so true for me when I read it.  This is what I am trying to do now, as I change and grow into my best self...lean into the discomfort of vulnerability so that I can enjoy the fullness of my experiences.  Being vulnerable was never my strong suit.  I loved portraying the strong, confident woman who could maneuver in tight spots and still come out shining.  The one who always was in control and had it together.  The "I don't need anyone else" philosophy that kept most at an arm's length from knowing the real me.  Yeah, I was really good at that scheme.

The only problem is, all of that was a mask.  Through the past year, with the passing of my father and the diagnosis of my illness, I began a journey of self reflection.  Once I admitted that I was NOT always strong and confident, all the walls shattered and my real self was able to shine through.  I don't like feeling uncomfortable...who does?  But I now know growth can only take place when there are growing pains and growing pains are uncomfortable.  This move from photography to art was and still is uncomfortable and I had to be vulnerable in a whole new sense.  But it was worth the has paid dividends in the awesome feeling I get when I finish a piece of work.  

Vulnerability...I still don't like it, but I have realized it is my friend.  I was, for sure, a black/white type of person but now, as I change, I am finding there is a lot of beauty in the grays.  During this change, I have found myself flocking, so to speak, to those like minded people who are open to vulnerability and spirituality and introspection like I now am.  It feels like home.  It feels like my tribe.  I finally found where I belong.  I had to tear down the walls myself before I could be content and stand in this space, but here I am.  And I am happy with it.  

Birds of a glad I have my flock along with me for this winged dance called life.  So glad you are a part of it too.


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