Monday, August 31, 2015

The Control We Believe We Have

"...the control we believe we have is purely illusionary, and that every moment we teeter on chaos and oblivion."

~Clive Barker

Control is an interesting concept. I have been, in the past, a self-admitted control freak. I had, for many more years than I can count, tried to control every aspect of my life because I felt so out of control when I was a child and a teen. I was in a situation for many years where I felt like I couldn't control my own destiny. When I was able to get out of my confining situation, I turned in completely the opposite direction, and instead of being out of control of my destiny, I decided that I was going to be in control of every single aspect of my life. I spiraled down into a difficult depression filled with anxiety, all fueled by my desire to micromanage people and situations around me. I developed a strong fear of flying. I developed a strong fear of being alone with my own children when they were babies. I developed a fear of fire...I feared just about anything that I couldn't, a plane, accidents, etc. If I wasn't in control, I was anxious and afraid. So, yeah, that didn't work out so well for me.

Years later I sought therapy for the original issues that caused me to want to control everything. When I realized that everything I was afraid of was something I could NOT control, it dawned on me how much of my life I was wasting worry about something out of my realm, out of my reach. I had to give complete faith over to God and accept that He had a plan for me. I had to trust when trust was not yet easy for me. I had to have faith when I had little faith left to go on. Once I did this, I became a much less anxious person and a much happier person. Some lessons in life are learned slowly, and this was one of those lessons for me. I am still anxious and afraid at times, but so much less than I was years ago; and when I am scared, I know how to deal with it without resorting to panic attacks and depression.

This digital art piece was created from my imagination; a visual representation of the chaos and oblivion I tightroped along when I thought I had to control all aspects of my life. It is a face to go along with that deep embedded fear I lived with for so many years. The control I thought I had was not control...instead, it was causing me to teeter on the edge of chaos and oblivion, just as Clive Barker states. 

I hope you all have a beautiful week. I plan on it. 


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