11/365- Bull and Puddle

Visual Artist Tracey Grumbach

“Zen masters say you cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love

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It was good to spend some time with my husband and two oldest kids yesterday. Brian, Brenna, and I took a day trip to Pennsylvania and did some hiking at Ringing Rocks Park.  An amazing boulder field filled with rocks that ring like bells when struck and Bucks County, PA's largest waterfall are located at this park. It was a great day. Perhaps I will share a few photos in the future of this location. Then, we met Tyler and his girlfriend, Leah for dinner in Glen Rock, PA. It has been a while since I've had my oldest kids all together for quality time.

Today the twins are being baptized. We are so excited for them as they made this decision on their own. We have been attending a local church led by a pastor that we consider a family friend and we have been so happy there. We are so proud of their decision and can't wait for them to stand in front of the church to proclaim their faith. The fact that Brenna is safe and sound at home and she is able to experience this moment with her siblings is very special for us.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday. I am looking forward to a Raven's win today as the NFL season kicks off. I am thrilled the Patriots lost Thursday night...there is no better way to start the season than seeing Tom Brady mad and defeated. It's football season!

Until tomorrow...

xo

10/365- The Beginning and the End

Created by Visual Artist Tracey Grumbach

“Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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Brenna is home safe and sound. I can not express how much my heart is releived. I wish it was completely content, but it isn't.  Some of my extended family and friends are still in the line of fire of Irma and now that my daughter is safe, I have worries about our investment in her apartment and car which are at risk of being destroyed in the hurricane. Will she have a place to go back to when this is all said and done? 

In addition, I have other family going through some very difficult times right now. Remember my cousins who had TBI's from a severe car accident back in October of 2016?  Well, Elias had massive seizures yesterday and he is back in the hospital. My heart is heavy. 

So so much is going on in our counry right now that is just so crippling and devastating. Fires, floods, hurricanes, and on and on. And yet we all still begin at the beginning and go on until we get to the end, just like the quote says. We all keep on keeping on because that is what humans do. We adapt and move on. Our world is so much more loving and full of kindness than the media lets on. I am grateful for that. The outpouring of love, prayers, and kindness I have felt from the community, friends, and family as we worked toward getting Brenna out of the path of Irma and lifting Elias up in prayer has been amazing. Thank you. I will keep you all updated. 

God bless,

xo

Let It Rain- Photography by Tracey Grumbach

Let It Rain- Digital Photography by Tracey Grumbach

Canon 5DMarkIII
EF 100mm Macro 100mm f/2.8
1/640 sec; f/5.6 ISO 320
Aperture Priority
Edited with various iPhone6SPlus Apps

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain."
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When the tears make tracks upon your cheeks,
Allow them.
When your heart aches like it will shatter at any moment,
Let it.
When sadness rises in your throat like hot bile,
Grant it permission.
When panic surges and steals your breath,
Surrender to it.
When waves of loss drown you,
Yield to it.
When grief grows in your belly, filling you up,
Own it.

For after all,
the best thing one can do when it is raining
Is let it rain.

Hoping your Monday is beautiful and safe. Sending love to you all in the world.

xo

Love is So Short; Forgetting is So Long- Artisit Tracey Grumbach

Digital Art by Harford County Artist Tracey Grumbach

Below is an expert from Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines by Pablo Neruda that I felt drawn to when finished this digital painting last night.

"...Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her. "

 

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Yesterday I grabbed my grandmother's antique medicine bottle, a dying sunflower, my tabletop soft box, and my camera and had a little photo shoot. I was moved by just how beautiful the flower was even in the moment before losing its last few petals. This is another in the digital art series Portrait of a Flower I have been doing lately. I hope you like it.

Last night my husband and I were talking about how quickly our entire world is changing. He recently went through a career transition which caused us to change all of our medical, dental, vision, and pharmacy insurance coverage. He is still in the process of transition, which even if it is a good change, is still change. Then, in just 8 days Brenna leaves for college. This is the first time we will have to deal with a child leaving home. Packing her room and preparing her for a life on her own has been a very emotional process for me. Next, in October, my son is set to leave home. We are in the midst of getting him prepared to go to technical school in Pennsylvania to become a master technician. If all goes well, my household of 6 will suddenly be a household of 4. In addition, we are transitioning the twins from homeschooling back to public school. Basically, all of our children are in upheaval right now and it is difficult and unsettling for me. I am happy and excited for them all, but it feels like a lot of change to handle in such a short time.

But somehow, when I am being creative...creating photographs or digital art, I become so mindful and all the worry just disappears. It is a craving, a need, a itch that needs to be scratched. If I don't have enough creative time, I feel like I am suffocating. People ask me how I stay motivated and disciplined with being creative each day. My answer always is, "I don't have to stay motivated. It literally is a need and if I miss being creative for a few days I feel like I will go insane." I am so thankful to have art to distract me from all the changes happening right now.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and a fabulous weekend! We have some fun things planned with the family since this is Brenna's last weekend home. We are hoping to squeeze in as much family time as possible! Don't forget to cruise out to Havre de Grace tonight for First Friday! It is always such a festive atmosphere and oh-so-much-fun. I will be working at Arts By the Bay Gallery tonight from 6PM to 9PM, so stop in and say hello! Hope to see you there.

xo

Art Without Boundaries- Juried Art Show Coming in July

I am so excited to announce that my artwork has been chosen to be displayed in the juried art show, Art Without Boundaries, presented by the Harford County Cultural Arts Board and the Harford County Commission on Disabilities. This art show is to celebrate that art is for everyone, both its creation and its enjoyment. The show will run the month of July and can be seen in two libraries in Harford County, Bel Air Library and Havre de Grace Library. The galleries will be open during normal operating hours. (M-Th 10 -8 and F & Sat 10 – 5)

The two pieces that were accepted were Guitar For Sale, one of my very favorite black and white street photography images. Shortly after taking this image I was rushed to the hospital with what at the time they thought was a stroke. Turns out, I discovered after years of doctors and tests, the symptoms I displayed that evening in New York was due to Lyme Disease and co-infections, not a stroke.

Guitar For Sale- Photograhy by Tracey Grumbach

The second piece that was accepted and will be displayed is this self portrait I did during a Chronic Lyme Disease flair up. It is titled Beautiful Beyond Description-Self Portrait of an Artist Ravaged By Lyme Disease.

Beautiful Beyond Description-Self Portrait of an Artist Ravaged By Lyme Disease

 

 

 

I don't know which piece will be in which library, but please be sure to check out the art galleries in both libraries for all the entries! I am sure they will all be compelling. Both pieces are for sale, so please contact me if you are interested in purchasing them! Thank you to the jury members of the Harford County Cultural Arts Board for honoring my work.

xo

Museum of Natural History, Washington D.C.

The marvels contained in the walls of this place
Were more than any carnival side show could compare.

Bones
Butterflies
Mummies
Dinosaurs
Diamonds

Treasures so valuable they spark the human spirit
Reverting our eyes back to childhood awe.



Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend.

xo

Arts By the Bay Gallery Winter Blitz Opening Reception

Join me this Friday, February 3, from 7PM-9PM for Arts By the Bay Gallery opening reception of the Winter Blitz Art Show! I will have 5 pieces hanging this show, including The Wheel, which will be featured on the cover and in the pages of the upcoming publication of Somerset Digital Studio in newsstands March 1!

The Wheel

Beautiful Beyond Description- Artist Self Portrait

Zen

Caution In the Wind

Wrightsville Bridge

I am also very honored and excited to have my work included in this week's Flickr Showcase over at TheAppWhisperer.com! Click through to see the video of all the beautiful artwork curated for this video. My image is "Long Shadows of Empirical Knowledge" at 3:27. Thank you, Joanne Carter, of choosing my work!

Horse In the Buttercups- Baltimore Digital Artist

No doubt he heard me coming through the long field. His ears were pricked behind him, listening, and his nose was working to smell me. I moved slowly and deliberately, wanting to get as near as I could. The grass in the field was long, my high muck boots swishing as I moved forward, a sound he did not much like. The split second after taking this image, the click from the shutter startled him and he began walking slow circles, snorting his irritation before finally walking away, alerting the rest of the herd that an annoying stranger was near. And then they were all gone over the rolling hills toward the barn in the distance.

Today is the day I have been waiting for for three weeks. I am hoping to get the stitches out of my mouth from my recent jaw surgery. I am a bit nervous as they need to take the stitches out and then remove the membranes that are covering the bone graft. I hope all is healing well and the procedure is easy and painfree. I would appreciate any thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

xo

The Best Thing To Do Is Walk Out of the Barn- Digital Art By Harford County Artist

I love the title of this piece of art because it reminds us that even in stormy, difficult times, it is best to walk out into the open and be vulnerable. Take chances. Live your dreams. Take steps forward when all you want to do is stand still.

Whether it is personal or career related, taking chances has never been easier for me. Somehow when you are faced with difficult health, it really puts other things in your life into perspective. I used to be afraid to ask for what I want and need, but I've learned that if I don't advocate for myself, then no one will. The worst that can happen is someone tells you "no." Big deal. Is not fulfilling your dreams a risk you want to take just because someone may tell you no? For me, it is a clear choice.

So, whether it is for my health or for my career, I have been practicing intention and not letting fear stop me from moving forward. I ask for help when I need it.  I put my art out there to be judged. I accept a no when it comes, but it doesn't freeze me.

In the past week I have contacted two local publications and one national publication to consider publishing my art. Also, I have committed to entering a juried art contest on the local level. Nothing may come of any of this, but if I didn't try and stick my head and heart out there, then NOTHING would come of it for sure. Because when you do nothing, nothing comes to you in return. But, what if everything came of this? What if all three publications said yes! What if I won the contest? Yes, what if.

So, what are you waiting for? What dreams do you have that you can take a baby step toward today? No is not a barrier...it is just a detour sign. Don't be afraid of it, just take a different route. Get busy, people. Take action toward your goals.

xo

White Farm

Recently I have really begun to realize just how incredibly lucky I am to do what I love and to make money from art. Truly, if you think about it, how many people in the world do their soul's work for a living? I must admit, I can't support a family on what I am making with my art by any means, and I am thankful to my husband for being able to support us so well. But still, I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that what I am doing would ever bring joy to others and sell to the public at the consistent rate. I still have so many professional goals to reach and maybe one day I will be able to make a wonderful consistent income from what I do with art. Right now, I still rely on real estate photography to make a huge portion of Nine Acres Designs, LLC's income but perhaps in the not too distant future that will change.

This weekend I received another phone call from Arts By the Bay Gallery in Havre de Grace saying they sold another piece of mine and that I was to bring in another one to replace it. How exciting! I currently have 12 new limited edition pieces ordered (and shipped) and awaiting the box is like anticipating Christmas morning for me. To actually see my digital art printed on Somerset Velvet paper with deep rich archival inks after creating and seeing my creations only on a digital screen is equivalent to that first buzz I got when I took my black and white film class and saw the images appear on the photo paper in the darkroom. It takes my breath away and brings me so much joy.

I hope your day is bringing you joy and that you can take a moment to appreciate all the blessings in your life.

xo

I Am Reborn

Each night, when I go to sleep, I die.

And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.

~Mahatma Gandhi

It's so refreshing to know that every day is a new day; a new opportunity to become your best self. What a blessing that we get to renew our faith, continue or change our journey, turn a new leaf, and come closer to our authentic self with each rising of the sun. Night is cleansing. Night is quiet and pure. So thankful that I am reborn each and every time my eyes close and then open again.

xo

When We Drove Past the Farm in Autumn

There is something so comforting to me about this time of year. I love the fresh chill in the air, the sound of combines working late into the night,  and the smell of the damp earth heaving a sigh before a long winter's rest. Plumes of smoke rise from bonfires, surrounded by families telling ghost stories and roasting marshmallows together. The birds become active again, some beginning their commute south while others frantically gorge on autumn seeds and grain to fill up for the long winter creeping in. This time of year seems to give us permission to exhale, to stop and look around us, and appreciate the bounty the earth has given us over the past many months. I so appreciate Mother Nature's hard work providing us with her fruits.

Sitting in the passenger side, I rode by a local farm the other day. I snapped an iPhone image of the golden cornfields blurring by me with the farm and silo in the background, partly obscured by the tall, dry cornstalks.  I didn't think much of it until later when I looked back at the image and was inspired by the gorgeous tones of the season and decided to create it into this piece. Just looking at it makes me happy, and I hope it does you too.

xo

Better Keep Yourself Clean and Bright

Better keep yourself clean and bright; 

you are the window through which you must see the world. 

~George Bernard Shaw

Someone asked me the other day how I can stay so positive when I am in the midst of so much pain and confusion caused by Lyme. The question took me off guard because in general I am a very positive person, but not a very patient one (with myself). I guess the answer is I truly, deep down in my heart and fibers of my soul, believe that whatever you send out into the world you get back. If I am moping around grumpy all the time, how could I expect to have a beautiful day? I'd get on my own nerves, much less all the other people I love and care about. It's not something I have to think about most of the time, I am just happy.

There are dark days, though. Don't let me kid you about that. There are days when I am angry, sad, feel sorry for myself, don't see the light, and want to quit. On days like that I tend to be snappy and curt; short and impatient with everything around me. Those days I feel like I am living in someone else's body, watching myself from afar and I don't recognize myself. When I find myself lost in the dark hole of despair what brings me around is usually two things...sleep and my kids. I find a high correlation between lack of sufficient sleep and a hopeless feeling. So, with a good catch up on sleep, some rest, and looking in my children's faces, I am often rescued from my own darkness. 

Besides, everyone has problems, not just me. My problems are no worse or no better than everyone else's, mine are just different. My friend said the other day that she didn't like complaining about her health to me because I have it so much worse. Truthfully, I don't see it that way. I don't compare my health issues with anyone else's and never think, "Oh, I have it so much worse than you." I don't pity myself nor do I ever wish this disease was someone else's. Everyone single one of us has a burden to carry and this is mine and I am ok with that. I wouldn't want anyone else to carry it...ever.  Which is why I am speaking out about it and trying to educate everyone about the early signs of Lyme, the alternative options of testing, and clearing up misconceptions like the one I ran into last night.  

I was eating dinner with my daughter when a waiter asked me if I had celiac because I could not eat gluten. I replied that I did not have celiac, but that I do have Lyme which causes me to have a strict diet to control inflammation in the body, therefore I can not have dairy, gluten, or alcohol. His reply was to ask if that was the "disease where once you take the tick off your body you get better?"  It is shocking to me that people who live in an epidemic area such as this still don't know anything about the disease. I want to correct that so people don't have to suffer in pain and fear for years like I did. Of course, 14 months ago I had no idea about this disease and I lived here all of my life, so I guess that should be a clue that education is of paramount need. 

On another note, I have been on a creative manic this week and have more digital art to share!  Tons of ideas are flowing...now if I could only add 12 hours to the day.  

Hugs...

When Fears Are Grounded

When fears are grounded dreams take flight.

~Unknown

Please mark your calendars for Friday, October 2, 2015.  I will be hosting the opening reception for my show at The Gallery at 122 Main where I will be the featured artist for the month of October! The reception is from 5PM- 8PM and the gallery is located at 122 E. Main Street in Elkton, Maryland. I will be showcasing my photography and digital art. I am partnering with a soon-to-be-announced Lyme advocacy group to spread awareness about this terrible disease and a percentage of the proceeds from my art sales will go to Lyme education and awareness. I would love to see lots of friendly faces...stop in, introduce yourself, browse through the gallery and enjoy the evening in Elkton! Hope to see you there!  xo

Dance in the Puddles

I am the parent of one of those children, a girl, who wants nothing more than to be loved by a dear friend. She is a people person. Everywhere we go, she yearns for the attentions and sweetness of a girl her age. If there is a girl in the area within a few years age difference from her, she finds them, and says, "Mama! I found a friend!" She may not ever know her name, she may not ever see her again, but she declares that girl her best friend for that moment in time. I hope one day she can find a true friend that is her confidant, her safe place to fall, her favorite person to share secrets with.

Inspired by the vintage photo I showed at the bottom of this post, I created two very different pieces...this digitally painted art piece, Dance in the Puddles, and In the Sweetness of Friendship. I really love them both, but feel more of an emotional connection to this one.

Hope your week is starting off well. Mine certainly is as I am in Lynchburg visiting my mother. Nothing like quality time with the woman who can still bring me peace and comfort as well as keep me grounded and in line.  Love you, Mom!

xo

Get Up One More Time Than You Are Knocked Down

The Kiss- digital mixed media

That sheer feeling of elation when a goal you have set for yourself is achieved. That is exactly what I felt when at 6:41PM yesterday evening I received an email from the managing editor of Artful Blogging Magazine telling me my blog was chosen to be featured in their upcoming November issue! Artful Blogging is a gorgeous magazine published by Stampington and Company four times a year. I've been reading this magazine for years and admiring their beautiful printed magazine, drawing inspiration from many other artists and bloggers. For a long time I promised myself that one day I would have my work in a Stampington and Company publication, but fear of failure held me back for years.

Then, one day in May, I decided that I was being a hypocrite. I was writing blogs about taking control of your life, not living in fear, and reaching for your goals and yet here I was being held back by the very thing I told everyone else not worry about. Fear. So, I decided to get off the proverbial fence and just do it. So, that very day, May 22 to be exact, I wrote a submission email to the managing editor of Artful Blogging...and held my breath.  A week later I received an email telling me that she had received my submission and that a decision would be made at the end of June or beginning of July. Ach...that is a long time to wait. But, what was I to do? I felt encouraged that they didn't say no right off the bat, so I just filed it in the back of my brain and moved on with my busy life.

June passed.  No word.

July began.  No word.

I decided that if I hadn't heard by July 7th, the end of the first week of July, that my blog probably wasn't chosen for publication. July 7th came and went. Darn. I was disappointed, but not discouraged. Since it was a goal, I would just work on my blog for a while and resubmit. July 8th came...my mother called and asked, out of the blue, "Have you heard about your blog submission?" The question stung a bit because I wanted so badly to say YES and that it was chosen. I wanted to make her proud. But, I hadn't heard a word, so I told her the truth, "No, I don't think it was chosen.  I'll have to try again later."

I guess my mother putting it out into the world was a blessing because later that evening, at 6:41PM, my iPhone pinged the alert that I had received an email in my work account. I checked it immediately and was elated. All I read was, "Congrats! Your blog has been selected to be featured in the upcoming November issue of Artful Blogging that hits newsstands November 1, 2015!" I let out a squeal, jumped out of my chair, and exclaimed to the two construction workers in my house at the time, "I DID IT!" They paused in their work, looking at me like I was a nut and asked calmly exactly what it was that I did. I rambled on, my words a confused waterfall of exclamations and explanations, about setting a goal, going after it, and achieving it...My art was going to be published in a magazine I had long adored! I am pretty sure they thought I was possessed at that moment and I am not at all sure they understood a word I said.

I ran around the house telling anyone who would listen, including my daughter's friend who was over at the time, that I had overcome my fear of failure and had achieved a career goal! Elation.  Pure elation. I was proud of myself for overcoming all that has happened in the last year and a half and never giving up on my goals. So, please keep your eyes out for two amazing things happening this fall...I will be having a solo show at The Gallery at 122 Main in Elkton, Maryland, featuring my photographs and my digital art. I will also be published in Artful Blogging magazine, hitting the newsstands on November 1! Thank you to all my family and friends who support me in everything I do and celebrate life's victories with me. I love and appreciate you all. xo

Life Is Not a Spectator Sport

Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you are wasting your life.

Jackie Robinson

Saddle up, folks!  For the first time in a long time I feel like I have the reins back on my life and just like this cowboy above, I am gently guiding it along the path I want it to go. While I am not a spectator in my own life, on the contrary, I am actively working to make things happen that I want to happen, I have trusted God that if I am quiet and listen to my heart, my life will take me in exactly direction that is right for me.  I can not wait to see and experience the beauty that is waiting just ahead!

May your day be filled with the light of joy today, and may you saddle up your horse (or fish) and gently guide your life where you want it to be. Trust your inner voice. Trust the whisper of God.

Have an amazing day.

xo

The Bee Keeper

It's funny how things change.  When I was a much younger woman, not only was I in need of controlling every aspect of my life, but I also cared a lot more than I do now about what people think of me.  Back when we purchased our first home, I was so crazy about keeping my yard spotless and "weed" free because God forbid someone think I not take care of my lawn.  No clover, no dandelions, no crab grass...nothing to mar my little postage stamp in the world.  In my youthful naivety I would spray herbicide (Round-Up anyone?) at every errant sprig of grass in the crack of a sidewalk and any weed-like intruder into my perfect grass.  Herbicide was my friend and companion.  I had no idea what I was doing to myself, my kids, the bees, and the environment.

Fast forward 18 or so years and I found myself the other day slowly walking around my small farm, observing, appreciating, and taking in all the little details that make me love this place. As I was looking down, I saw one of many patches of clover in my lawn and fields and it hit me for some reason, how differently I feel about this "weed."  While I used to hate it, I now see it for what it is...food for the amazing bees that are declining at an alarmingly rapid rate (thanks to people like myself who sprayed insecticides, pesticides, and herbicides); a treat for my horse who loves its sweet taste, and a part of my grassy environment that should be and is welcome here.  So differently I think than when I was a young twenty-something.  I only wish I had come to my senses a little earlier.  I guess the saying goes, when you know better, you do better.

I created this piece, The Bee Keeper, over the weekend while I was still on house arrest (or as the surgeon calls it, bedrest) from my surgery last Wednesday.  I was starting to feel better and could not lie in bed a single moment more, and I had ideas swirling around...like this one.  So, it was much needed exercise for my brain while being a quiet and calm physical activity.  I hope you like it...and I hope in honor of the bees, your family and yourself, to commit to not to spraying Round-Up any more. ;)  Happy Monday, y'all.

When Music and Art Dance

I was driving the other day when the song Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes (featuring Adam Levine) came on.  I started singing along with the tune, of course. I hadn't heard this song in quite a long time so I had to refocus my attention on the lyrics, trying to remember all the words.  When I came to this section of the lyrics a new art idea clicked-

If I could only find a note to make you understand

I'd sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hand

Keep it stuck your head, like your favorite tune

And know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you.

My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every note.

Make me your radio

Turn me up when you feel low

This melody was meant for you

Just sing along to my stereo.

I had been holding on to a vintage photo of these dancers for a long time.  I loved it but wasn't sure what to do with it. I kept waiting to be inspired but nothing ever felt quite right. Finally, when I heard the above lyrics, I knew I wanted to turn the dancers into something that represented art and music since, for me, they dance and intermingle in my mind.  I knew I had it...I knew I wanted to use an image of a vintage camera and a vintage radio to collage with the dancers that had been in my mind for so long.  Finally!

So, when I got home that day, I immediately pulled up the image of the dancers and started colorizing it. I've been in to pinks, browns, and greens lately, so I chose that color scheme for the floor, background, and dress. After colorizing the photo, I then layered, resized, transformed, and masked the images of the camera and radio for the heads.  Next, I added a texture layer and masked out the dancers by 50% and then added the music overlay.  I erased out the words and other details I didn't want in the music layer and then flattened the piece.  Last, I made some mid-tone adjustments, added a contrast pop, and then burned a vignette around the edges to focus more attention to the dancers.

And I fell in love with it.  I think I would like this one LARGE in my home somewhere...perhaps my office.  It just speaks to me since music and art are so delicately connected in my heart and soul.

I wanted to thank everyone for their private messages, texts, and phone calls yesterday comforting me on the one year anniversary of my father's passing.  It was much appreciated.  If you don't mind, please say a small prayer for me and the surgeon today as I go in to get my jaw repaired with a bone graft at 3:00 PM.  Thank you in advance.  Depending on how I am recovering, you may or may not hear from me the rest of the week.  Hope to be here tomorrow, but if not, I will begin posting again Friday or Monday.  Love to all.  xo

Battleship- The First Anniversary of My Father's Death

One year.  Today marks the first anniversary of my father's death.  I have lived an entire year without seeing his face, hearing his voice, or feeling his hugs.  I have lived an entire year without his encouragement, his tough love, his support.  How?  How is that possible?

That day, June 9, 2014 is forever engrained in my mind, blazoned in my memory like a hot branding iron.  The minutes that ticked by like days, weeks...the sound of my mother's voice as she told me he was gone; the long journey to my parent's house in Lynchburg, Virginia. How can a year have passed already when the first 24 hours felt like a year in itself?  How could I have not died of heartbreak during these 365 days?  Some days it seemed inevitable that I would. The struggle to remember to breathe, the pain so deep in my gut, my heart, my chest, that all I can think about is the empty hole there in my soul and I would forget to breathe.  It would be too painful to breathe.

And yet here I am.  One year later.  They say time heals all wounds, but twelve months into grieving and the pain is still there.  I can't imagine it will ever go away.  Yes, it isn't all I think about every minute of every day like in the early months.  But every day I do think of him and all he has taught me.  I wonder about him...where he is, what he is doing, what he knows, when I will see him again. And it is still painful...that raw feeling of having just lost him.

The other day I was playing the game Battleship with my youngest son and it made me think...yes, Battleship, that is exactly what this past year has felt like.  Not only losing my father, but also fighting Lyme disease, Bartonella, Ehrlichea, and C. Pneumonia.  Battleship...with it's white misses, red hits, and sunken ships.  I've had white misses where the day has gone well, nothing blowing up my life that day; red hits where my heart and body are broken and life seems so very difficult; and sunken ships...days that just seemed better off if they had never happened.

So, as I often do these days, I created a digital art piece to represent this Battleship game I've been playing for the last year.  Hoping I can put more white pegs on the board this year than red.  Hoping there are less sunken ships in the coming months, and hoping I ultimately win this game of Battleship.

Please say a quick prayer for my family today for continued healing during this on-going grieving process. Please include my father in your thoughts and meditations today that he is at peace.  Thank you to all my amazing friends and family who have been there on the sunken ship days and have thrown a life-ring to me as I've drifted aimlessly in the ocean of sadness this past year.  You are not taken for granted or forgotten.